Please accept that you will never, ever be able to get her to feel what you want her to feel or to say (and mean) what you want to hear. It hurts, but it will get better. But as long as you hold onto some kind of hope that you would be able to change things around, you’ll not be able to let go.

You are not the only one to have such thought patterns and I have personally suffered through something like that many times. I didn’t have strong enough boundaries and the self-esteem to end bad relationships when I should’ve and I just allowed them to linger until enough damage was done. I was completely stuck being preoccupied with other people’s lives and thoughts and feelings instead of my own. It is hell on earth, I know that. And I also know that it’s very painful to change that, but after you are able to do it, there is such bliss and serenity…

I got some help from Al-Anon, which is the sister organization of AA. It was basically for friends and family members of alcoholics, but essentially in the meetings there were just loads of people who were codependent and had forgotten to actually live their own lives and tried all kinds of ways to make others behave in ways they wanted them to behave. There’s not enough trust in one’s own abilities and too much emphasis on another person’s power over us. As long as you are preoccupied with her life, you’ll not be able to build that confidence you need in yourself to carry on with your life and build relationships that are healthy and not hurtful.

I think you are also stuck in some kind of illusion, which is actually quite “normal” when in a relationship like that. When I’ve been in hurtful relationships, I never trusted my own eyes and ears and my feelings, but I listened to all the explanations how it was actually I who was in the wrong. I also got depressed, because I truly believed that I was the worst girlfriend in the world and if only I were different, things would be better. It was all one big lie and an illusion which I believed and helped to create. Then you become afraid to face the reality, because you think that the reality is that you’re bad. That is not the case. Reality is your friend. Perhaps that’s why you’re afraid to write about these things, because then you have to face the reality that it’s over? Or that you chose a girl who was not good for you? Been there, done that. I know how you feel, and you don’t need to be afraid.

My advice is to connect with real things as much as you can. Get out of Facebook. Get out of your head and into your body. You said that you’ve tried meditation, but you could also try mindfulness in a way that you go into the nature (or where ever) and really pay attention to your surroundings and to your senses by touching, smelling, seeing. You need to build trust with your own senses, so that you believe what you see and hear, and if something feels wrong, you’ll believe that feeling. Slowly start building your confidence again by doing things that you like to do that are tangible. Listen to yourself and pay attention to your own needs. And if you start having a negative dialogue in your head, just put an end to it immediately. Just make it stop. You’ll see that with time, as you keep interrupting the negative self-talk, it’ll eventually quiet down.

Just focus and be kind to yourself and you’ll get through it. And afterwards you’ll have more compassion towards those who are lost.

Prakhar,

I’m sorry for your suffering, dear brother. It seems to be that these various fears you have come forward quite often. Consider that the ocd and gcd and whatknot push your mind into negative thinking. You’re really creative, inventing fantasy after fantasy with your fears. And, sadly, sometimes those fantasies come true. The fantasies perhaps are trying to prepare you for the worst, protect your tender heart from the unknown. However, the fantasies aren’t helping you, just distracting you. Much like a broken clock is right twice a day (if you remember clocks with hands 🙂 ), sometimes our fantasies do come true. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that your brain is caught in a cycle of negative grasping, or “looking for the bad”. That’s normal, and many people do that. Consider reading up on “positive self talk”, there is a lot of information on Google that may help. Also, have you shared your mental habits with a trusted doctor? Have they given you exercises or things to do? Medication? Allergy testing? (My son had “ocd” that turned out to be an allergy to red food dye). Instead of focusing on the girl, or the number 3, or whatever else springs into and clogs your brain, consider stepping aside, seeing the habits, and saying “OK, what do I do with this intense mind of mine?”

With warmth,
Matt

Prakhar,

Sometimes going alone is because we are strong enough to overcome what we have in front of us. Sometimes it is because we are scared of what we will find.

I wish to be gentle, but you’re caught in the mud, and perhaps need a little stick to get you moving. You are ignorant, which is normal, and you don’t know how this whole bag of beans works. You do not make fantasy come true by typing it out, that is wrong, ignorant, and foolish. The fear is normal, the reasoning understandable, but it is still wrong.

What it does do is cause negative fixation. Consider that you could be in a beautiful field of rich blossoms and lush fruit, and perhaps you would look for and find the one rotten fruit, bite into it, and then cry to the world that the garden is spoiled. “See? Proof. I’m broken, the world broken, all is wrong.” Nope. Foolish. Incorrect. You’re only grabbing onto the pain, squeezing it, cherishing it. This is not unusual, people do that often, and you can overcome this. There is always a path to joy.

Consider instead of breath meditation, which might be agitating to your sense of fear, consider switching to a metta practice. When your mind spins, (which it is doing a lot, obviously to me, and seemingly obvious to you) you deplete your energy. Metta helps to reclaim that energy, because it powerfully smooths out the mind, making the grabbing at pain less strong, the cycles in your brain less pulling. Consider searching YouTube for “guided metta meditation” and try a few. Your pain is not forever, dear brother, you’re just feeling hopeless. That is fine, usual, and normal, and it is up to you to stand up and take better care of your tender mind.

Also, perhaps reconsider looking for a doctor to help. If the problem is chemical, they can help. If its emotional, they can help. If its psychological, they can help. It might take a few tries, a few doctors before you find one that suits you, but its worth it. We all need a hand, from time to time, and strength isn’t just walking alone, enduring. Its also realizing when we need help, and having the courage to find it.

With warmth,
Matt

Prakhar,

To let go of the grudges takes time, and it is beautiful that you can see how its hurting your heart. That’s a huge first step. Consider how many times you’ve done things unskillfully, out of ignorance and negative thinking. She is the same. She taunts you because she is a fool, just like you. Doing and saying things that aren’t loving, because she doesn’t know how that hurts you and her. And, its not your place to teacher her. Instead, it is your place to forgive her for her actions. This isn’t because of something she deserves, but as you sigh and accept that she acts like a bitch sometimes for who knows why, you can be free from resentment. The metta meditation will help you with this if you keep at it. The grudge a mountain that erodes with your patient effort to be free.

Good luck, brother, may your journey blossom with hope and light.

With warmth,
Matt

Prakhar,

You say that you’re trying really hard, but in what way are you actually trying? You have at least two accounts here now both asking for help for the same thing, yet you don’t listen to anything people say to you. You don’t connect with anyone, you just want someone to listen to you. We have listened to you, so you don’t have to worry about that. The problem is though that just repeating the problem isn’t going to make it go away. It’ll just emphasize it’s power over your life more and more. You need to make a conscious effort to shift yourself back into your body and to the land of the living. You have now given away your own power and your focus is in other people’s lives and not in yours. As long as you keep doing that, things will continue to be painful and chaotic.

Get out of Facebook. Now. Promise yourself to not go in there for at least two weeks at first and then later repeat that. It’s hard to control your mind when it’s constantly pulling you back to the trauma you have gone through, but you can make a conscious effort not to feed the pain that causes you to be stuck. So no Facebook.

Stop negative thoughts to their tracks and stop when you start thinking about her. Just stop. Just interrupt that thought immediately. It’ll come back again and again, and each time you interrupt that thought. Keep doing that for as long as it’s needed, but you might be surprised how fast you can see results. Your mind will want you to go over the traumatic experience again and again, but you need to let go of it, at least for a while so that you can get some rest and heal. Right now you’re like a dog with a bone, who desperately needs to drink, but doesn’t want to let go of the bone in order to do so, being too afraid that the bone will not be in his control anymore. Just let go of the negative thoughts again and again. You will have a better understanding and you’ll be in more control than you are right now.

Seek the help of a doctor and surround yourself with people who do live in this world and are grounded. Allow them to help. You might feel that they don’t understand you, but you are seeking the type of understanding that will magically make the pain go away, and that just doesn’t exist. I have been more or less in a mental state that you are in and I did similar things that you are doing now: craving for attention from people and for someone to acknowledge the pain and to make it go away. I also made promises that “I will work on this”, but first I just wanted to share my pain with everyone and expect it to go away like that. It didn’t, but I can understand where you’re coming from. You need to put in actual conscious effort to gain your power back over your life and your mind and your body. It’s not easy and it’s painful, but it’s definitely worth it.

Write about your pain. Do write a letter to the person who hurt you and explain how it made you feel. Don’t send it. Keep the letter and then write another one. Edit the letter as many times as needed for you to feel like you’ve successfully been able to express yourself. When you have the perfect letter, just keep it. You’re clearly seeking for understanding for your pain and the best way you can get it is from yourself. You are the one who will feel the feelings of being understood, so you are the one who needs to make the effort to get into that place of feeling understood and listened to. So express your feelings the best that you can and listen to it yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be compassionate to yourself.

Please, put in more time in taking care of yourself than worrying over other people’s lives.