Hi Chloe,

Out of interest, do you have male friends and if so, what is your relationship with them? Does this issue rise in all close relationships or just the romantic ones?

I actually don’t have the answer to you, as I’m another one with daddy issues and I’ve yet to have a successful relationship 🙂 I can understand the cycle of thinking that someone quickly becomes way too important and to counter that, you’ll act like you don’t care. I’ve thought in my own life that perhaps one way would be to ease into a relationship through friendship. There would be a time when you can relax, be yourself and learn to trust the man and share without all the extra hassle. Then see if it can go further from there. I haven’t tried it yet, so I don’t know if it works, but at the moment, it’s my best bet for myself 🙂

I think you already hit on the reasons why you act this way: you are treating these guys the way your Dad has treated you – “I love you but I’m keeping you at arm’s length” (or some variation of that).
Perhaps somewhere in your subconscious, you believe that this is the normal way to have a relationship, even though your conscious mind knows better.

It’s a classic paradigm that manifests itself in other much more toxic ways – e.g. if the father is abusive to the mother, the son is more likely to abuse his own wife and the daughter is more likely to allow herself to be the victim of abuse from her husband, etc. etc. etc.

And by seeking out certain types of men (older, protective, etc.), you’re attempting to replace the fatherly love and care you never received.
The good news is that in a sense, you are at least finding the right quality of man (protective rather than abusive), now it’s just a matter of taking the leap of faith to keep the relationships afloat by contributing in equal part.

Fortunately your Dad wasn’t hateful to you, but indifference is almost worse than hate sometimes in its impact on the kids.

Here’s an interesting thought – have you ever talked to your Dad about this? That may sound nearly impossible if you’ve rarely had a heart-to-heart with him about anything – having a heart-to-heart with him about why he’s never had a heart-to-heart with you is a scary thought!

At the worst, he might dismiss you and go even deeper into his shell.
At the best, he may feel willing to open up to you and explain some of what’s going on in his head.
Either way, perhaps he can shed some light that will demonstrate to you that it has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Because ultimately, that is true. No matter what his reasons are, his lack of affection has absolutely nothing to do with anything you are or have done, and it’s entirely in his head. That’s a hard pill to swallow, for a child to recognize the weakness and vulnerability in our parents – they’re supposed to be perfect, right?

That’s his story.
So re-write your story.
Sometimes we have to act in a manner directly opposite of what feels right in order to do what is right.
As a previous poster said – do the hard thing. Open up in your next relationship. Love completely and freely and be completely individual. Imagine what you WANT to be like and then BE it, don’t wait for it to make itself known. You are in control of your destiny.

Good luck!

Chloe,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand why relating to men can be problematic. There you are, sitting with a radiant sun of love for someone, and bite your tongue, clamp it down. Hah, safe to express that? Puh-lease, and risk rejection? And, is he even interested? A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that dad on the couch is like him in hunter mode. Emotions set aside, looking elsewhere, for game, food, stress relief, whatever. When your obvious needs came up, he’d put you on his task list, which is awesome of him, but still, always looking elsewhere, not really taking the time to see you.

And that was wrong of him, your tender heart needs to know it is cared for, seen, heard, known… and were he perfect, he’d set down the remote, the spears, stop hunting, and just come home and play. If only being a parent gave us an automatic map, it would be easier… but parents are just who they are.

The good news is, you’ve seen the pattern in yourself, which means you’ll break through soon(ish) :). It’ll nag at you, push you to escape it, so don’t be afraid you’ll just “always be stuck”, that’s nonsense. You’re already exploring the causes, looking for an exit, and crafting a key. So relax!

Consider that many daddy issues resolve in a few simple ways, though take some work, courage and heart. First, its important to find some peace with what was. Picture dad, sitting on the couch, looking off somewhere not you, again. And there you are, a waterfall of love and affection, desire to connect, share, hear, be heard… but shit, he doesn’t seem to come home long enough to share anything with him. Maybe if something breaks or is on fire, he’d hop up then, but “hey dad, can we talk about our feelings?” feels like you might as well be saying “dad, could we speak in Klingon?” or interrupting his momentum with nonsense.

But that’s all empty, just an old habit, armor we put on to protect our young hearts from dad’s absence. Just the past, what was, leaving cards in your hand that you can play however you want. You could repeat the cycle a few more times, if you need more information… but when you’re ready, you can play whatever hand you want. In my opinion, the best hand in this moment would be to rekindle your heartsong.

Consider a loving kindness practice to do this. When we cultivate metta, or the emotion of warm friendliness, these issues become less looming, and more a curious puzzle that are easier to set aside. We grow the space inside to take off the armor, find peace with what is, and hope. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on youtube, if interested. For example, imagine running up tons distracted and distant dad, on his couch, and throwing your arms around him and giving him a hug. Telling him how much you appreciated all he did do, and how you hope he finds endless happiness, freedom, and peace. He may stare at you blankly, stammer, or scoff, but who cares? If your moments are heartfelt, authentic, and courageous, you’ll walk away feeling light, refreshed.

Now, you may never do such a thing, it may never be the right thing, but as we dream it, wish it, put our heart behind our wish to offer that grace to them, we become free of the entanglement. Such as, if you’ve spent time on the cushion envisioning pouring your heart to your dad, but just haven’t seen the right time yet… when another man comes along that is open and offering his tender attentions, perhaps you’ll feel the courage and strength to reach back, be authentic, and just shine with that brilliant heart of yours.

Namaste, sister, may your dance be light and joyous.

With warmth,
Matt

Hi Chloe,

I know the feeling, but as a son.

Your dad did the best he could at the time. It’s time to see that, forgive him and let it go.

When I realized this, it completely changed my view.

Big blue