I proposed.. She confessed.. Guidance please

New Reply

This topic has 22 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 10 months ago by Actin565.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 22 total)

1 2 →

Author

Posts
June 3, 2016 at 8:42 pm #106442

Lostsoul92
Participant

Each time I think of marriage now – it feels like I’ve got a lump/burden on my chest. I don’t see her as purely mine anymore;

Each one of my friends I’ve told about this tell me she’s mine now and how this guy is completely out of the picture? I get their point but why does he bother me so much? I can’t help but think she wanted him over me.

But if she did, surely I wouldn’t be typing this message now?

June 3, 2016 at 8:57 pm #106443

Lostsoul92
Participant

Another thing is that I was her first.. Her first kiss, the first guy she’d ever let touch etc

She said I’d been the first guy she’d ever let in and I always took this for granted and never showed any intention of staying. When she said she didn’t want to ruin her chances with Imran, it was because no ‘criteria’ person would want her knowing so. I clearly said no to her after everything she’d risked so why should she keep risking?

Also that Imran could’ve been anyone – anyone who seemed ready and settled on the idea of marriage. She’d never had considered him if she hadn’t thought that about him.

June 3, 2016 at 9:16 pm #106444

Lostsoul92
Participant

I may as well answer this post myself the amount I’m commenting..

The main issue is I’m broken.. I’m not confident anymore and I’m constantly overthinking. My girlfriend would blame me for making it such an issue and not letting it go but all along she never gave me the truth. Like I said we’d argued 10+ times over this matter.. And each time it’d be me apologising. I guess my trust and the way I viewed her has completely changed..

June 4, 2016 at 12:11 am #106450

Nina Sakura
Participant

Hello lostsoul92,

Lets consider the situation as i have understood so far –

1) You started casually dating a girl in your office 20 months ago.
2) Often her behavior indicated that she considered another guy a more suitable option as per understanding of some of his views on life.
3) You have insecurity and commitment issues. The second you have appeared to have overcome but the first is there.
4) Both of you have displayed a normal level of immaturity – your denial of making the relationship serious 2/3rd of the times, her attempts to tease all the time about others.
5) Despite all this, you proposed and she told you some things that surprised you like hell though you kind of knew them anyway.

My questions to you are:

1) If her intentions were indeed dishonorable, then why would she tell you all of this when you proposed to her?

2) Why are you being so adamant about being the only guy when all you insisted this relationship was casual and fun?

“She also asked if I’d wanted to make the relationship more serious at least 2/3 times and again, I said no. I constantly told her the relationship was nothing but fun and once ‘the right guy offering marriage came along’, I’d be okay with letting her go. I guess I never thought she’d have the right guy in her mind already..”

“Another thing is that I was her first.. Her first kiss, the first guy she’d ever let touch etc She said I’d been the first guy she’d ever let in and I always took this for granted and never showed any intention of staying.”

Bdw in standard criteria, you are the only guy. Your girlfriend has casually tried to know someone and you were fine with that. Now why is it bothering you anyway?

3) You wish she could have told you her thoughts earlier in last 20 months but then, has anything every happened with Imran worth telling? You never 100% confirmed that the relationship got serious anyway, then why should she bring this up before?

4) Fine your girlfriend could have come clean but has she actually betrayed you?

If she has said she will marry you, believe it and let the past be. Frankly nothing happened in the past anyway with another guy while you were around, albeit casually according to you? Do not let your pride ruin this.

June 4, 2016 at 1:28 am #106452

Leonie Burmeister
Participant

You love the girl. Follow your heart . Leave your reason for a while. If you follow your heart your approach will be efficient. You know what she wants to hear. She is a girl with a heart. She wants what her heart is aching for. If your heart aches for her then let her know about it. Before it is too late. If it is already too late you also know what to do. If it is too late you move on and let go. But make sure first. Maybe your approach is just what she is waiting for. Be honest with her for once. And be soft. Honest and soft. Like a teddybear.
Hmm?

June 4, 2016 at 2:53 am #106455
Maria_L
Participant
Hello,

It seems to me that you care about this girl, and the feelings are returned… It’s not easy (looking from a girl’s perspective) being with someone for 20 months and kept listening that things should be ‘casual’, regardless of the religion… And also girls sometimes go for the ‘safe’ choice in any culture, someone who will be good husband and father to their children. Coming also from more traditional environment I can relate to this… You told her again and again that you can’t be that… I can only imagine the suffering she went through hearing these words again and again while she wanted to hear something else from the only guy she’s been with. Maybe she told you about the other guy out of despair and hope that you’ll realize that she has options.

Think really good if it’s fear of commitment your issue.. sometimes you can’t predict the date when you are ready to meet ‘the one’. It just happens. I think you should try your best to approach her, this time do it differently… There is a saying ‘boys fall in love through their eyes, girls fall in love through their ears’.So choose wisely your words and future actions. You have nothing to loose, and pride and ego are overrated…

I wouldn’t worry much about the other guy if I was you, though I understand that you might feel some kind of emotional betrail. From what I understood he was treated this whole time like plan B.. And one of my best friends used joke all the time ‘a girl has to always have plan B’…lol 🙂

I wish you the best of luck, and if things work out please don’t bring up this issue to her, all the time you both have an argument … You’ll end up in endless unhappy circle…Forgive, forget, move on and be happy 🙂 Sometimes it’s that simple
- This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by Maria_L.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by Maria_L.
June 4, 2016 at 7:49 am #106487

Lostsoul92
Participant

Wow thank you all 🙂 @Marliv @ninasakura

That’s what it’s basically become – an issue I’ve never let go off and we’ve wound up in a circle constantly. In my gut the excuses she gave never felt right and I guess now I have the truth I’ve got the choice of what to do with it.
The commitment is another thing – I never thought of marriage till she popped along but I guess she has everything I’d want in a partner and she’s bettered me, I’ve got all them qualities she wanted to start with! But still – am I rushing? Am I looking past these things?

The reason I can’t hold it against her is because of what you said, I’m the one that said no – she offered me the chance and I turned it down. So what right do I have to stop her finding a guy who she believes will provide her with that security and commitment? I guess I was always honest to her though; I wanted a relationship but I didn’t want one leading to marriage.

Nina; I guess she didn’t plan on telling me.. and I’ve never let it go since that night. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t an added reason to my insecurity/overthinking. Each time we’d argue and break up over this, I’d always go back saying how I’d made it all up in my head, I’m being silly etc.. And she’d take me back. But throughout this whole time of passing the blame, she knew it wasn’t all made up in my head. All I’d ever asked is for her to tell me she’d considered him/he was an option for her. She only admitted it when I told her our marriage would be based on a lie going forward.

I don’t mind not being the first/only guy in her life – she’s had proposals in the past but they’ve never led to anything. She’s met up with guys for marriage but again led to nothing. The reason it bothers me is because this happened whilst she was WITH me, not before or after.

And the only betrayal I feel is the lying – and that I probably would’ve broken up with her at the time she said if she told me the truth.

These are my issues at the moment;

1) I’ve wasted over 20 months going over and over this in my head that it’s become a major issue. I don’t know how to get out of that or move past it – I’ve got a terrible habit of overthinking everything.
2) She lied to me – I understand why and the fear of losing me. But how could she pass the blame to me each time when she knew the truth?
3) I would’ve broke up with her at the time if I knew the truth – and now it almost feels like I’ve been living a lie. I’m in love with the girl though and I’m scared I’d be making a huge mistake letting her go
4) I constantly wonder if other happy couples have an ‘Imran’ in their relationship – I wonder if the girl wanted someone else whilst she was with her partner? And it’s a tough blow to take.

In truth, I want nothing more than to get over this Imran guy and live happily ever after! I just don’t know how to do it.

June 4, 2016 at 7:59 am #106488

Anonymous
Guest

Dear lostsoul92:

Your girlfriend may have manipulated you for 20 months, purposefully bringing up the other guy so to manipulate you to ask to marry her.

Can you imagine: purposefully asking about him, mentioning him so to plant this guy in your brain, build jealousy, confusion, so you… fight for her and win against this other… potential mate?

anita

June 4, 2016 at 4:17 pm #106515

Lostsoul92
Participant

Hi Anita

Not sure I’d call it manipulation but I get your point – her using the other guy definitely got my attention that night.

I believe the lying and confusion was caused by her not wanting to admit it/fear of losing me. Imagine lying and knowing telling the truth would lead your partner to leave you? If I was in her shoes I think I’d probably have done the same in the hope maybe one day she’d drop/forget the issue.

Thank you

June 4, 2016 at 4:27 pm #106516

Anonymous
Guest

Dear lostsoul92:

maybe I misunderstood: I thought she mentioned and teased you about the other guy so to encourage you to feel insecure and jealous and in so doing, to lead you into fighting for her, taking her away from the other man. And I thought she accomplished that aim and you indeed proposed to her. And so she accomplished her goal. If I was correct about it, this may set the stage for further manipulation, the end justifying the means. But then, you just wrote you’d do the same thing… now I am confused.

anita

June 4, 2016 at 4:38 pm #106519

Lostsoul92
Participant

Hi Anita,

The teasing stopped after that night – and she mentioned him once more after that. That conversation was started by me.. I was talking about Imrans type of girls etc and she just asked me questions. She did finish it off by telling me ‘I don’t think I would’ve liked him to be honest’

She’d tease about pretty much all the guys at work but with him being from the same culture, I guess I saw that as more realistic.

Don’t get me wrong – I don’t think it’s right what she did but I do understand it. If you’d let someone in for the first time wouldn’t you be scared of losing them?

The arguments we had were quite intense and at some point I do believe I would’ve probably told the truth by then.

June 4, 2016 at 4:44 pm #106520

Anonymous
Guest

Dear lostsoul92:

If you still need guidance (your request on this thread) regarding this relationship; if you want my input further, please let me know.
anita

June 4, 2016 at 4:54 pm #106522
Lostsoul92
Participant
Hi Anita

I valued your input and sorry if I sounded a little abrupt or defensive!

I simply meant I can understand and would probably do the same in hiding the truth.

No she stopped teasing after that night – the teasing never really bothered me to be honest. It was that night where she’d said she doesn’t want him to know about us – that’s what I question.

I need guidance in that I believe that she may have wanted a chance with him whilst we were together/liked him.

I’ve become rather insecure and overthink everything when it comes to this guy to the point where I think she was just with me waiting for him to come along – I know how special and important our relationship was to her but I can’t get rid of this lump/anxious feeling I get.
How do I move past it?

Thank you
- This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by Lostsoul92.
June 4, 2016 at 7:55 pm #106528

Anonymous
Guest

Dear lostsoul92:

I re-read your posts on this thread. It seems clear to me that she either was interested in Imran while in relationship with you or she pretended very well that she was interested in him. She definitely behaved interested in him.

You wrote: “In the first few months, she’d constantly tease me about other guys but in particular to him. It would never bother me until she once said ‘he might get further than you, he’s the type of guy one would marry, he meets criteria’.”

Notice, it didn’t bother you that she teased you about other guys, but think what it means, that she teased you. Why did she? And then she told you that Imran might get further than you, meets criteria. I see this behavior as manipulative, intended to make you jealous and become possessive of her. She encouraged your insecurity as a way to make you pursue her.

Then you wrote: “Each time we’d argue and break up over this, I’d always go back saying how I’d made it all up in my head, I’m being silly etc.. And she’d take me back. But throughout this whole time of passing the blame, she knew it wasn’t all made up in my head…
She lied to me – I understand why and the fear of losing me. But how could she pass the blame to me each time when she knew the truth?”

This is very concerning. Sure she had a reason to lie to you, but how could she hurt you like that, the man she claims to love? how could she repeatedly suggest it’s all in your head, knowing she is lying?

That isn’t right and you know it, this is why you are so troubled, a “lost soul”- for crying out loud, this is not a woman for you to marry, and this state of mind is not the state congruent with getting married.

People have reasons to lie but that doesn’t make it right when the lying hurts the person you supposedly love. She placed her self interest in front of your well being. This is the woman you are going to marry?

This manipulative, unloving behavior is not going to stop once you are married. There will be other.. reasons for her to lie, and why not? It worked so far (if you marry her).

Your last statement and question above: “..this lump/anxious feelin I get. How do I move past it?” My answer: you don’t move past this feeling. This lump and anxiety have a message for you: don’t marry this woman. Listen to the message and the lump and anxious feeling will be gone for it delivered the message successfully.

At the least evaluate my post right here with someone you trust, print the whole thread or parts of it and take it to a counselor, a therapist, someone competent, so to help you proceed.

Post anytime:

anita

June 7, 2016 at 8:04 am #106665

Lostsoul92
Participant

@anita

Hi Anita

Your points really hit home – that’s the one side of my thinking.

She always admitted to trying to making me jealous and how it never worked – she said she’d want me to be a little more possessive rather than little interest and time I spent on her. I guess at the time I saw her as easily replaceable or the relationship didn’t mean much to me.

Her interest in Imran is quite clear and I’ve spoke to her about this – she’s told me she always feared I’d leave and as much as she liked me she questioned where the relationship would be going or how long I’d stay. It doesn’t sit right with me but I couldn’t offer her what she wanted at the time and even when she did ask me, I’d said no. So I don’t think it gives me a right to hold her back?
In her eyes there’s no relationship without marriage – what we had was simply a bit of fun and she had her goals set out. In truth, I felt and knew the same at the time – I feel like I’m bringing my feelings that I have now to analyse the situation whereas I didn’t feel so strongly about her then.

I can’t forgive her for her lying but I can understand it. She knew telling me the truth would result in me leaving – it’d have been a scary place to be in and not one I’d want to be in myself.

I’ve asked her and she says she didn’t want to ruin what we had for a stupid mistake – that she only considered this guy for selfish reasons (marriage) and that it’d provide her the life she wanted.

I took your advice and spoken to my closest friend about it and he takes the view that it’s manageable. Her considering Imran was fair because I never gave her reason to stay – I knew what she wanted in life and her goals of marriage but I was happy being non committed. Again, he agreed her lying isn’t excusable but I should view stuff from her angle – the reasons she lied and the fear she’d have felt.

I’m stuck in limbo. I adore the girl and would want someone to forgive me if I’d made the same mistakes – however I’m worried if I’ll ever trust her again?

I honestly appreciate your thoughts and input Anita 🙂

LostSoul92
Author

Posts