Hi Anita,

I feel like the last months I’ve been like a person on a bumper car ride at the fair…I crash into one thing and then another and another. I turn around and someone hits me in the side and the back. It feels physical and maybe manifested as the back pain. It hasn’t ended but with each crash I tense up more and more. Every day brings a new problem, every day I feel im hanging on..barely able to stay sane or even wanting to continue like this.

I met a client who has gone through divorce recently, she is struggling with money and has also sustained a back injury or pain…this is not really a coincidence is it, the same things. My colleague was also inconsolable about arguments she had with the boss, the difficulty the abusive pressurising. There is nothing more to say except leave. My neck became so stiff from the stress of keeping in anger, of trying so hard to keep it together.

If I could let go of the injustice and anger with other people’s behaviour, maybe I could deal with it. My ex I´m sure is fine with his decisions. He will say he just moved on and because no one questions the actions of a man (sorry its true) he will get away with the cruel details of how he did it. As a man he will feel guilt but also won’t spend long feeling that way. My boss will say she “had to make a decision” on the future of the company and that is why I have been bullied and sabotaged in my work. Fake concern with colleagues and then being “broken down” in public at our meetings.

I just want people to be held accountable for their behaviour, as I sure have in my life. Instead it seems I am being beaten down by all of the evil side of people. Today I just feel so angry. I have felt like that most days that I have to interact with them.

Ironically my parents have been supportive and now I feel bad that I would complain about them…its all bitterness building up in me due to all the horrible things that have happened. They are not so aware how hard it has been for me.

Wow, another awful day.

Hi Anita,

What you wrote here, i think is probably the core of it…which i sort of realised when i looked back on the relationship with my ex and then compared it to the relationship with my mother.

“Why am I attracted to witty and entertaining people only to find them mocking me and making fun that turns into hurtful cruelty?”- you were born to a witty and entertaining woman who mocked you and made fun of you and was cruel to you. Next, you see her in other people, often assuming that they mock you and make fun of you when really, they don’t.

But how do you move away from that negative yet attracting pattern? I get so tied up in my thinking. For instance, when i first went through the breakup with my ex..i poured over so many explanations and landed on the conclusion he was a narcissist. Because he fit the description well.

But with time and age, i was seeing other sides to the story as well, and then am not so sure of my diagnosis again. For instance, if he was such a narcissist why would he visibly seem regretful and say sorry to me..even if it was no grovelling apology. Someone with a lack of empathy would not even notice that anything was wrong. Is my mother a narcissist too? she has also shown she is sorry or once or twice apologised even though that was very rare. or are they both bipolar? Ive believed there is mental illness in my family, undiagnosed because people feel shame and want to hide it. Ive faced my problems without hiding anything because mine has been much more disruptive and to the surface but the rest seem to ignore and shove things under the rug. Sometimes i feel people would rather not know and switch on a movie, pretend its not happening.

I feel a bit better now its weekend. More drama today but im tired out by it. My boss did something yesterday publically in a meeting that left me so angry…i avoided writing a serious email to her today…i was feeling so awful as it was about discrimination.. i felt powerless and belittled. But somehow ive made it through without cracking.  Another time.

Hi Anita, Its been a while…ive had a week of feeling totally exhausted and weak. And it has passed by so quickly while i have too much to do and worry about. im dealing with a lot of mental stress as you can tell but i feel it is transferring to various physical complaints. In the last weeks i also heard a lot of my colleagues complaints about the same, its compounding in a ball of angry frustration.

Life has been much like a fight lately. Im trying to swim but im dragged down and hit again and again. Things seem to keep going wrong. Today i left work with a head swimming like id been in an actual fight….thats when i knew, im really sick from this, i really have to do something and stop sitting and pretending i can manage, hoping it will go away.

First i felt unwell, so i knew i had to survive a full day with a headache and sore throat, then my dog ran away on our walk and i spent most of an hour to get her back.

Then i had to go to the office and be around the fragile air of uncertainty that i have felt there more keenly recently. I know i keep repeating myself here but its almost like i dont believe what i already know is happening, like i need someone else to tell me…the family member is replacing the old team. This is a hostile takeover within the company while the boss pretends she doesnt know what the problem is and denies everything.

It may not be illegal but its still not ethical to take someones job anywhere in the world, so the alternative option is, if you make it so unpleasant that they leave….no one will raise an eyebrow and the victim wont have any support. Meanwhile since i started in sales i have had a very hard time with the work, it takes time but i also have years of experience and i know its a bad time right now. So money is incredibly tight and meanwhile my colleague, the family member, is thriving and making a lot of sales….Some of these sales i believe are due to him taking advantage unfairly…not all but definitely some.

So today, as with other days when i have had to be around him and other staff..he created a situation he knew would be uncomfortable for me. If i was a psychologist i could tell you exactly what he was up to but i dont have the words, i would call it “psychological bullying” because nothing happened and you can reason it away but it is intended to cause stress to a particular person, me.

We have a rota that means each person takes a day in the office. Today was my turn and within half an hour he turned up, in his usual behaviour of being very busy doing nothing. He started a conversation across the room with our new office assistant who replaced my old job, he hired her and they spend a lot more time together.  The way our office is laid out, this is very distracting for the person in my seat as you can´t concentrate. I knew it was leading up to some “moment” he had planned.

A short while later in walked an old colleague who had always got on very well with him, she acted very casually and said hi to all of us before sitting down with her back to me and had a rapid fire private, yet public conversation with him about something or other..I blocked it out as much as i could because im supposed to be working and obviously i was not included due to the conversation in their language and the way she was sitting, blocking me. If they speak to include me, they always switch to english as i cant follow everything which puts me at a disadvantage. I must also say, usually he goes in the other room to meet people but today he didnt. The reason that this is potentially upsetting is because my friend and colleague who has fought recently with him about various things, is away having a surgical procedure and the impression was very much that he was interviewing/bringing this old colleague back. Incidentally, while my colleague is away, he has allowed the other “new” staff member (his best friend) to work in her job temporarily. So now you can see why this is threatening to a number of us.

I always understood that this old colleague didnt want to come back to her old job but now im not so sure and they were very friendly in their meeting, chatting and laughing like good friends. I also got the impression she had visited before, as she waved hi and called the new assistant by name, you dont normally do that if you dont know them. I got on ok with this person but she was a cold energy, like him, driven for success and status..not open to empathic behaviour. She once told me for example, that she thought it was ok that one of her friends was dating a married man. Its totally different to how i feel. And yet…yet, i know she was cheated on and already had a child with that person. She quickly found another guy..a foreigner with a lot of money and seemingly little between the ears as she got pregnant immediately. The first days she joined us all i heard was her shouting down the phone at her partner. She is a no nonsense functional human being…basically pretty cold.

I felt very strongly that this was a show intended for me…to push me again, out of the company. Even the boss came out and was chatting with her very friendly and casually. I asked the boss afterwards what the meeting was about as he quickly left after that and she said she didnt know, all very light and innocent. But it certainly was not just a “hey, how are you doing” visit.

Again, i felt like i should speak to a lawyer. If they pressurise me (done), degrade my role (already done) sabotage my work (done), demean my work(done)or bully me into leaving (seemingly) then should i fight this? im no longer friendly and open…they got that out of me. I have nothing left to give the poor new colleagues as its just too much for me, another round of the same. But i want these family members to pay for the damage caused to my peace of mind.

Then, as if i wasnt already disturbed by that…later in the day the older business partner of my ex came to collect a key. He caught me in a moment of being flustered…and for some reason, i never could remember his face. He didnt start much of an introduction but just said he wanted the key to “nr….” so i was trying to find out what that was and when it dawned on me i was filled with humiliation. The keys had attached a fob from my company and i couldnt remove it so i just handed it to him and asked him who sold the house, to which he OF COURSE replied that it was the company of my ex´s new girlfriend..of course. We had it for sale also but my ex refused all the offers we got…i couldnt understand it. then when he told me who his girlfriend was, i realised why he made it harder for us.

This small moment has set me back at least a week of anger, tears and sadness. But mainly rage at my misfortune. I can´t explain to anyone how messy it is in my brain due to the cold hard cruelty of this Ex and my boss..the two of them working overtime to try and totally destroy my mental peace. that is what it feels like because it doesnt seem to stop!?

So i was glad for him to take the key away…but why did he come on my day? As he left he also said something strange, ” ill see you soon”. Not something you say to someone who you KNOW had been treated badly by your business colleague that you are UNLIKELY to see again, not something you mistakenly say to someone you NEVER see otherwise? what?

Im left confused and more angry again. I thought about sending a nasty text to my ex to say why he would never see me again but i stopped myself…but every time this happens, when i see him somewhere or some car of her company goes past, im reminded of my misfortune and failure. I feel i need to leave, go somewhere where no one knows me. And where i can get away from the pain caused.

When i was younger i had some serious depressions, after one boss was putting me under enormous pressure i had a nervous breakdown. I felt suicidal. Recently when i took time off work, it was because i felt that familiar feeling of losing my mind and a shaking feeling that meant i had to stop CARING about the work.  A friend shouted down the phone i was heading into a depression and i was angry back but knowing he was right. There are people who dont understand why its a big deal, why cant you have a beer and just let go? for others they understand, i want to do a good job..respect means a lot to me. So to have that torn away from you is cruel. To get demeaning comments is cruel. To downsize or demean your role is cruel after loyal and continued support and commitment. I broke down to a doctor and she wrote a note for me but i didnt want anything to go on record…due to my last stigmatized experience. Instead, my body broke down and i suffered the back problem which basically “solved” the problem. You see how it works?

This is almost criminal to me. They have plenty of money. But their older staff are worth nothing to them. Shameful. I have had such hateful feelings, wanting to destroy things..then all i can turn to is karma. Hoping to teach them a lesson.

Hi Anita, Thank you for understanding that sometimes its just…well writing it out but also someone seeing this is wrong. If i could write with hindsight i would say that perhaps a great deal of people´s mental issues can be caused by the negative choices made by others. In my case, my ex is a common situation but the work situation bothers me maybe more…because i dont feel i can do much about that. Ive had a situation like this before and now here i am again. Corrupt bosses who are weak managers and turn to people with underhand ways of doing business…it must be the norm.

Im try to look from the outside into my situation, to see how it looks from other peoples´perspective. I feel a lot of shame for complaining. I want to be a strong and successful business woman with a great life and a happy home life but i am not. I know that there are people going through a lot like me. And im lucky to still have a job but at times it feels like it could break you.

As i get older of course the people who are my clients get younger and i realise i missed out on a lot. Work has been at the centre of my life because i never make much money and always seem to be at a disadvantage. I can´t seem to break out of working for others when ive had many ideas for self employment, i never had the funding to start something or a solid idea or connections. I dont live in my native country so there will be no natural source of funding.

The unfair situation at my work i know includes some clear examples of discrimination but at a certain point you are faced with the ugly truth. Do you have the money to fight this? What will you gain from fighting this? and the answer is, im a small person with not much money battling it out against the kind of people who are big fish in small ponds. and its a small world. Im worried about burning bridges and i dont have many connections. But the anger i feel has been burning me up. Its unfair! but i have to keep my mouth shut.

I have to say that i already spent time off work due to the stress, and used that disability time to try and find another job. But the terms and conditions were not good. I weighed up the difference and it didnt seem to come out well.  its tough to start again. One of my colleagues tried to leave, she had more years experience than me and a year later came back with her tail between her legs….

In my mind i can handle almost anything, ive been through so much. But when someone pokes at me on a daily basis like it seems this family member just has to, it sends me over the edge. He is playing with fire.

I am somewhat calmer today and had a good result at work but whenever i am around them at the office something is always triggering bad feelings. I need to find a way to not care at all about them.

I have to say that although ive read about other people in toxic work situations i dont tend to meet so many friends or people in one. I guess because they leave before it affects them! But right now i just cant leave without a decent amount in the bank.

Hi Anita,

I think i mostly feel sadness!

i never used to feel so intensly angry at situations..i guess when i was younger i thought things might change and things would happen differently but they didnt. Im not sure why i attract negativity from others but i do. And it just seems to get worse. At work some years ago i used to regularly get abusive comments from clients, some about me being foreign, some sexist, it was a relief in a way when i became, i guess..more unattractive to get that attention. But that was also probably another reason for my ex to leave..so you cant win.

I think im prone to being bullied because i dont speak up, cant seem to…its like i have a stupid fascination to see where its going, to fall headlong into the pain of rejection from someone. Maybe i create the disasters in my life but i dont seem to have the will to fight back.

i started to feel some years ago that people are expected to be a little nasty in one way or another: jealous or competitive. That this is healthy. I dont get that. i know i sound stupid. I dont really get jealous….i can see other people´s beauty and i can see the things they have…but my default is to think that they too may have problems. I guess that has kept me going in a lot of ways as my nose gets rubbed in other people´s fortune quite a lot. I know there are people who WANT to make me jealous but it wont work…im not wired like that. Maybe that makes them angry.

I´m not the typical average person in that i dont have a partner and i dont have kids, so a whole easy way of meeting people is lost to me. On the other hand i think that the way i live is getting more and more common. No kids. No man. Through my 30s i had the thoughts like most women do, that i may be judged for not being partnered up..but once you get past 40 people literally dont notice you anymore and it becomes less of an issue. I guess you could say they conclude you are a loser then. Even women who have been divorced are more desirable but to me i see some women´s desperation to find a man and its a little sad. But i dont really care anymore..i accepted a lot of things i didnt want to accept, i can deal with it. I would only be with someone if they were right for me, after all the experiences and the pain i suffered after, its just really not worth the effort unless the guy is 100% right. My mom constantly says i should meet some old guy so i can be taken care of. She has said that before but luckily she doesnt push too much.

I thought about leaving the country a lot of times. Just talking to my friend reminded me how HARD it is to make a success of being where i am. He started pointing out the negatives and it just got me down. But i dont see a path outside where i am just now..

I see what you mean about the anger, keeping me in a tense state of reaction. Ive tried to suppress my true feelings a lot i see. When someone hurts me, i dont react but pretend i didnt hear or that i dont care. But i do. I dont like people being disrespectful but they often are..i just want to get through the day. But being creative, enjoying a moment, these things seem to be slipping from me and that just makes life all about work and nothing else.

A colleague and I have been planning to start a business away from our work, nothing great…rentals. But we are both sick of the dynamic at our work place. So this is a slow project. This year is hopefully the worst. Only problem for me is that im not too excited about the work…id like to do other things but i just dont have confidence. I have to say that she has also complained a lot about work situations and probably we have sat with the negativity a lot. I felt bad for her too though, its unfair a lot of the things that have happened.

I STILL think a lot about my ex. I am conscious of his problems and also believe it would not work, and yet…yet. still miss him, still feel that we are compatible in some way.

i know that being in my workplace has become unhealthy, and my colleague also felt that too for her…we just need to try and get out and maybe things will look better.