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I Need to Leave My Partner (38 & 52) But Need Advice! 15 Years!

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  • August 10, 2016 at 7:19 pm #112111
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear DGOC25:

    I read your post slowly, absorbing it the best I can. I believe the issue is Attachment. You are attached to him. Nothing new to you, is it? You know that you are attached to him. But what does it mean, attached?

    A child becomes automatically attached to the parent, the main caretaker. The baby, the young child does not evaluate the parent, does not ask: is my parent qualifies for me to be attached to her/ him? Is it a good idea? Is it for my benefit? No such questions. The child becomes attached to whomever it is that is there to feed it and protect it from predators. It is an evolutionary trait. The emotion of attachment is there to motivate the young to follow its mother into the woods so to increase its chances of survival.

    And so, you got attached to this man. You didn’t ask: does he qualify for me to be attached to him? Is it a good idea Is it for my benefit?

    Just like you didn’t ask when you were a child. A good idea would have been to ask yourself these questions, at 22, as you got to know him. But you didn’t. Now you know it wasn’t a good idea but the emotion, the attachment is still motivating you to be with him.

    It is not rational. It is a biological thing.

    You were in the big city for the first time, at 22. He was older. You were drawn to him because something about him made you feel safe. Unfortunately, he was not safe.

    What do you think so far about what I wrote here?

    anita

    August 10, 2016 at 9:33 pm #112122
    DGOC25
    Participant

    Hi,

    I do believe that is part of the problem. To be honest, I had an overbearing mother and had some of the same issues with her while trying to exhalt my independence. For some reason, that seemed way easier. I am very attached to this individual. So much in fact that he’s able to easily manipulate me in regard to fear to where it’s no good! I really think that I internalize the feelings and therefore just submit. It’s happening right now. I’m supposed to move this weekend and he hasn’t budged to do anything to get himself together. It’s sad really. The main problem is my inability to make others uncomfortable. I think this stems from a deep rooted fear of authority and avoiding disappointing others and how it’s shaped my life. (overbearing, but loving mother). I do feel comfortable and safe with this person, but miserable at the same time.

    August 11, 2016 at 12:21 am #112126
    Michelle
    Participant

    I think you have actually answered your own questions – but the last final step is always the hardest as you know in your heart of hearts this is really you leaving and moving on as you have grown so much as a person and he simply hasn’t.

    You should be proud of that internal voice that is screaming at you to look after yourself – however much at first the new life and routine will be scary and lonely whilst you are well outside your entire life’s comfort zone of doing something that stands up for what you need, not others. It’s not selfish, no one can fully contribute to their life if they’re not first taking care of themselves. Took me a while to learn that one too, being an in-bred people pleaser..

    I really hope you cling on to that inner strength to go through with this and see it out…it will be tough but you will end up being the person you are meant to be, with or without him and that’s what you are really fighting for I believe. Good luck, let us know how you are.

    August 11, 2016 at 7:41 am #112137
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear DGOC25:

    It is understandable to me that your relationship as a child with your “overbearing, but loving mother” shaped your mind and your life. Of course, you were emotionally attached to your mother, as any child is. Now, what is “overbearing”- as I understand it, it means her message was something like: “It is my way or the highway!”- submit to me and my ways or I don’t love you..” – something like that. No hearing YOU, no listening to what YOU need, want and prefer. It is her way or you are out in the cold.

    So you grew up feeling a sense of safety with your mother, as any child must feel in order to live, and at the same time you learned to pay the price for that feeling of safety- to submit, to void your own needs, wants, preferences (just like your mother did).

    Problem is, there is no real safety for you with your boyfriend- it is only a feeling. Part of you knows there is no real-life safety with this individual. Your past experience already proved this fact. And because you know it, you are miserable with him much of the time. On the other hand you are scared to be without the FEELING of safety.

    Do you agree? Disagree with any part of what I posted?

    anita

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