Bernadette,

I’m sorry for the pain and suffering you’re experiencing in your life right now. With all that’s been going on, it really is no wonder that you’re feeling disoriented! I think the therapy is a great plan, there seems to be a few tangles that a therapist can help smooth out. It seems that your self esteem is really being challenged, and the abuse your boyfriend has been doing toward you has really taken its toll. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

First, your ex boyfriend and his mates at work can think whatever they want and it has nothing to do with you. For instance, if I was to go to my wife and say “I just wrote a message to this Bernadette person, who is a man pretending to be a female”… it would be my delusion. You could go stand in front of a mirror and check to make sure I was wrong, but my wrongness would not have anything to do with you. You’re a woman, you know it, so my perceptions being whatever they are have nothing to do with you.

The same is true of your ex and his coworkers. He’s an ass, deceptive. He acts like a snake, so of course when he looks out he sees a snake. Not you. His buddy wants to sleep with you, despite being a friend to your ex, which makes him a hoe. So of course when he looks out at you he sees a hoe. Nothing to do with you. So they band together and paint lies to try to assure themselves they are good and just, in alignment with God, and so forth. You know better, you know the truth. So do they, but their mistakes cause them to cower and deceive… hide and pretend they are honorable.

That has nothing to do with you. Your low self esteem causes you to reach out and try to find confidence in their perceptions, but that is a losing battle. For instance, if someone you knew was a drug addict, and saw you eating two cookies in a row, doesn’t it make sense that they might say “you’re so addicted to cookies, you loser”. If you are stable, it is easy to see that they are just saying that because they are thinking that about themselves. It is only if you’re afraid that you might be addicted to cookies that the words sting, that you make them about you.

Said differently, you’re not those things that they are saying. You know it. So it really is just them being turdfaces. Nothing you can do about it, snakes are snakes, turdfaces are turdfaces, and their healing and growth into better places is about them, between them and their patterns. The good news is you’re shedding the leech who has been a taker and not a giver.

With all that being said, it is good for us when we take the reigns back from others and do something about our low self esteem. There are a bunch of things to help do that, but they all can be described as self nurturing or better self care. Sitting or walking and taking in the beauty of nature, taking baths, playing games with our kids, yoga, following our hobbies, and especially meditation, can all help to refuel our loving warmth within us. This gives us the energy and commitment to turn away from the icky moments and let them rest.

For the “buying into their words” problem, have you read anything about codependency? Pia Mellody has some great books about the subject, which has helped many people in situations similar to your own. She can help you see how to setup boundaries, maintain them, and what it looks like to live a life free from the intrusions from others. I think her words would strike you well.

Try to remember that no matter what other people say, that is about them. You know you’re beautiful and honorable, and nothing they say can tarnish your loving spirit. It is only when you buy into their words, give them power over you, that your energy is depleted. There’s no need, and frankly, you deserve to be treated much better than the ex treated you. Be glad he is leaving now, before more damage to your self esteem happened! Make room for someone who will see your beauty (starting with seeing it yourself), and the whole world looks different.

With warmth,
Matt

I am sorry to hear that. It is like a mirror. Guys or men are douchebags. I know how you feel Bernadette! I l also have a similar story with my ex too. I am close to his family , he is the youngest and he has Two olders sisters and a older brother that are arond 30’s. After i broke up with him, I still was in contact with one of his sisters, she invited me over to watch Texans football game. I went over and we ate and drank alcohol. She has a boyfriend around 27 years old. I was there having fun that night with them, and my phone died. So thats when i went home all late and my parents kicked me out. So i went to sleep at my ex boyfriends parents house with him.

When i woke the morning, i charged my phone and I received a text message from the boyfriend of my ex boyfriend’s sister, saying that he is him and he wanted to tell me somethig but to keep it a secret. Later some few weeks passed by, my ex boyfriends sister found out by going through his phone my number was saved under other name. I did reply to him saying what does he have to say and i thought he was going to say something about my ex. The only person i showed that he messaged me, was my ex, but i didnt show his sister. I was concerned about other things that day.

So I never told her. Her boyfriend never texted me again till the night when she found out. He was constantly texting me annoying me, I was at her house while him texting me, but he wasnt there. I was afraid to show her the messages because i didnt show her in the beginning so she might think we were hiding something. So i called him to stop annoying me and texting him, i took care of the problem by myself.

But later that night she found out about the call, she called me to get things straight she wasnt mad at first but then later on she was. Her boyfriend told her that i gave my number to him. But i didnt, i dont know how he got my number, but i believe he got it from her phone! My ex found out and called me names! And also said he cant trust hoes these days! But i told him i didnt gave my number why would i be stupid to give my number out to my ex’s sister ‘s boyfriend. I told him that is easy for that guy to blame me since he has been around the family more than me.