Alana,

I’m really excited and happy for the growth that you’ve been going through! You seem to be being a bit hard on yourself, calling yourself weak and relapsing and so on because of the adderall. Its OK and fine for you to let go of the self-doubt, its what Buddha called a second arrow!

When we make a decision that produces harm, it is like an arrow shot into our body. You already saw that in the way adderall made you feel sick and tired. Then, on top of that the mind attacks itself for getting hit with the arrow. It is as though another arrow strikes alongside the first! So now, not only does the loving Alana with a heart full of children feel sick and tired, but also sick with doubt and worry.

We don’t need that second arrow once we see the first arrow! Said differently, you know how adderall makes you feel icky, and if you just sit with that then the desire to take it again will fade. The whole “why did I do that again?” has a much simpler and truer answer than “Alana is broken somehow”. Your concentration waned, and you made a mindless decision. It happens to all of us.

This is why they say Buddhism is a practice. We sit on the cushion and nourish our inner stability. As soon as we get up from the cushion, our meditative concentration begins to wane as we engage with the busy hubbub of the world. That’s when what we’ve learned and developed on the cushion is put to the test.

You’re far stronger than you know, and less broken than you believe. It is normal to become swept into doing things we know is incorrect for our well being. When we accept that, after we get back to the cushion, those dumb decisions become fuel. It is said that breakdown+awareness=breakthrough. Said differently, as you slip into old habits with your eyes open, you experience a painfulness that motivates you to not do it again. The more you fall, the more pain, the more fuel, the more momentum to stop the habit. Its like freedom algebra!

Another way of looking at it is that from our own perspective it seems like a circle… we rise and fall over and over. However, it only looks like a circle. Its actually an upward spiral, and we move from sun (inner potency) to moon (self reflection) again and again as we grow. You’re doing great, just keep going. Next time someone offers you a chance to fall back into painfulness and tiredness, you’ll have a lot more strength to say no thanks. After all, how many times does it take before we stop burning our hand in the fire? It depends on how much you love that hand!

So take heart, keep moving, growing, loving. You’re on a great path Alana, have some pride! Its normal and acceptable that you slip a little here and there, just make sure you let the spiral continue to grow up instead of down. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt