This is going to be kinda long and I am going to explain a lot (kinda my life story) and this is also a little all-over-the-place so

All my life I have been super shy. I can remember the first day of kindergarten when I had no friends. I didn’t know how to make them, so I simply played by myself. Thankfully the other kids eventually asked me to join their games. But I have always been quiet. From first grade on… I only had 1 or 2 friends. It really wasn’t until my freshman year of high school when I told myself I wanted to change. I began really putting myself out there. It was super uncomfortable because I am so awkward lol. But I made a couple friends. I made 3 very close friends, and many other friends. By my sophomore year I had began to make friends like it was just another part of my usual routine. It was so easy because I had friends to begin with, so anyone my friends became friends with I did as well. It was really good for me and I was happy. I also had a ton of guys going after me for one of the first times in my life. It was all fun and games until I began to show interest with one of the guys who liked me. He was very popular, captain of the football team. He was a junior at the time. My one friend Gianna told me that all the girls at her lunch table would obsess over him. People began finding out we “had a thing” and had their opinions. Some people in my grade weren’t very nice saying “he is out of her league” and “she is so weird” and stuff. I don’t know… it really affected my self esteem because all these people were talking down on me. It caused me to end things with him. I just didn’t like the things people were saying, I wanted to avoid all of it. Not to mention his ex girlfriend would give me dirty looks in the hall every day and I would overhear her saying “ew she is so gross” like okay people… chill. I didn’t find this guy that amazing honestly, he had little personality and was more awkward than I was. I literally have 0 clue why people made such a big deal out of him like sorry he isn’t that great. So anyway, soon after that guy I met another guy named Victor who is my current boyfriend. I liked Victor because he was the most popular senior and he knew what he wanted. He was a bad boy. Nobody messed with him so I felt like nobody would talk down on me. He was a huge player unfortunately but I had never been so sexually and mentally attracted to anyone like him. At this point in my life, I put all of my energy into him and kinda closed off from making friends. I think I was just really affected by how everyone completely put me down for being with that other guy. I just felt ugly and weird. I also started gaining some weight, probably because of the stress of feeling not good enough. People weren’t necessarily calling me ugly… but it is what I assumed. If I were pretty, people wouldn’t be saying these things, right? I mean I must be somewhat attractive… the most popular junior and senior guys both went after me. Well, I just stuck close with him and my 4 close friends and was fine.

My junior year something very shocking happened to me, I am not going to say what (I wasn’t raped or abused or anything like that) but something bad did happen. It is something only my boyfriend and close friends knew. After it happened, I was done making friends. I just didn’t want to be around people after it happened so I focused all my energy on school and Victor and my close friends even more than before. My best friends still went out and made other friends, so I was kinda friends with who they became friends with but not really.

And now I am here. I am a senior in high school now and I have… 4 friends? They are all my close friends. I have a few friends in my classes here and there but not really. People are starting to notice that I have no friends. My boyfriend is in college and he has tons of friends. When we hangout he always kinda brings up that I have no friends, in a nice way. The other day we went out to eat and saw my old friend who graduated. I used to be good friends with her my freshman year. She was with another girl in my grade and my boyfriend asked if I was ever friends with her and I said “no, a lot of people don’t like her” (I wasn’t trying to be mean, but its kinda true. she has a reputation of being b*tchy its nbd). My boyfriend was like “how would you know you have like 5 friends” and I was like “I talk to people?” and he was like “who” and I was just like wtf? I wasn’t going to start naming people. He came off as trying to mess with me but its true, I do only have 5 friends 🙁

This other time my boyfriend, his friend, and I went to chipotle and I saw one of my friends there. So I went up to talk to her and then when I went back with my boyfriend and his friend, his friend was like “katie you have friends??” I was like “what do you mean” and he was like “im kidding”

So yeah.. people know I don’t have friends. I just don’t know what to do. I am a senior in high school and I avoid the people in my grade who talked bad on me back in my sophomore year. The freshman and sophomores are irrelevant to me because I usually hangout with my boyfriend and his friends who are all 20+, it is just weird to try to become friends with 14 or 15 year olds, and I have 0 classes with them so. I know I can make friends with the people in my classes though. My real problem is not being awkward. I can talk but I don’t always know what to say. I am super shy as well. I wish I had one of those personalities where I can just be myself wherever I go and people naturally become my friend. I just feel like my personality is too…. weird for that. Please give me advice.