Dear lemonflavored:

I just read your original post in full for the first time and analyzed it. I do it as an exercise for myself, seeing what I can learn from your post. I realize most likely it will be of no help to you (the analyzed). But there is a chance that something MAY be helpful for you if you consider it and deem it of some value. So here it is, analyzing as I type the following:

You wrote:
“I am an independent girl and i have never ever given a guy priority over my own self. I have always put my feelings first before anyone else…” But deep inside you were protecting the part of you that was hurt and that needed another. Like you went 180 degrees the other way of being the needy person inside, so to protect yourself. That is the persona you exhibited, convincing yourself you were not needy, that you could take care of yourself, that you can and will live without … love.

“… when he got angry it was something new and i kinda felt a rush) i felt like he was angry becasue he loves me too much…” His anger, the passion in his anger, you got a rush, this is very telling, You figured it meant he cared, that he loved you. Nice guys in the past didn’t do it for you because they didn’t exhibit that passion, the anger.

“…and i tried to do everything he wished just to prove to him too that i love him…so just for him i totally changed from this tough girl who didnt care about anyone to this girl whose life revolved around him.”

You would do anything to be loved, wouldn’t you, once it is a possibility, once you thought it was possible that you are loved, once you felt the RUSH of being loved, you would do ANYTHING. (Welcome to the human race…)

“… i felt happy just living only for him. because i felt so happy with him.” Yes, isn’t it a rush, to be loved?
and then he left me.”

The thing is he was angry with you because no matter how much you tried to please him it wasn’t ENOUGH because he is still hurting from not being loved as a child. Whatever you did, he was like a young child throwing a tantrum: ‘It isn’t enough! It isn’t enough!”

You thought his anger was about loving you but his anger comes from his deep hurt from not being loved. It is his desperation for love that fuels his anger. And it is your desperation for love that fuels your trying to please him.

“…but i just cant get myself to let him go. i worry that he must be sad and need me. and that makes me cry and hurt.”

I think you are right: he is sad and he does need… love. This is what you have in common with him: you both desperately need to be loved but you both have deep hurts for not having been loved, you dealt with that hurt in different ways though.

“…whatever i do for him is never enough. he has a major anger problem and i have asked him to be a little cool about it but he says he has a dead heart when angry. but i dont understand if he really cares for me how can he stay angry at me?”

I think he is angry at the person he needed his or her love (mother most likely) and who did not love him and until he faces this- well, he will keep being angry. ANd whatever you do- will never be enough.

If you are calm enough to contemplate my analysis here, what do you think? Do you agree with any of this? And where do you go from here?

anita

At this point in time, it’s not worth it. It sounds like you both have a lot of emotional problems to work through individually, and a relationship isn’t the best idea right now. I don’t know why you’re so emotionally distant with people but you might want to gaze inward and work on yourself before seeking others for love and acceptance. I say this as someone who has been there. Long story short I got hurt as a child and to protect myself I became a cynic who kept pushing people away to protect myself. I wound up falling for a close guy friend who treated me very similar to how your guy treats you. My now ex wound up cheating on me and got the girl to text me an apology, and then he tested me a breakup speech that simply twisted the knife. My point is, I know how you feel, and how hurtful it is for someone you were once ‘perfect with’ to suddenly walk away without much effort. You need to cut him out and focus on yourself.

To start I suggest you journal, meditate and/or do art. Try to vent and let everything out, after a week or so, try to work through your emotions [not just towards him, why you push people away] and slowly try to stabilize yourself. Maybe one day he too will change and things will work out, but as it stands this doesn’t sound good for either of you.

Dear lemonflavored:

Of course it is okay to leave him and try to make yourself better. Of course it is okay. You are not his mother and he is not your minor age son. You are not responsible for him even though you feel responsible for him. When you feel responsible for him, this feeling you have does not indicate that indeed you are responsible for him. It indicates something else: maybe that you feel his pain intensely, that you know how it is to not be loved, and you want to help… yourself really. through him. You want to get love by giving it to him. Unfortunately it is never going to be enough for him.

What you need is to be loved. Unfortunately even though he is as desperate for love as you are, he is not available to love you. Get love from an available source then, not from an unavailable source. Sad but true.

anita

Dear jen:

I hope you post further on this thread-
anita

Dear jen:

I think you and him dance the dance of anger and desperation. From reading only your last post above it appears like he wants nothing to do with you, but reading it in context of previous posts it makes me think that once you do leave him alone he will contact you, only to re-start the dance of anger and desperation. It is not a .. good dance. It is not a boring dance- full of energy and drama- but well, what is the end of it? What does it resolve or achieve?

I highly suggest you stop THIS dance. What do you think? and how can you do it? How will you resist the pull of the dance?

anita

Hello Jen,

I agree with everything Anita has said. Is this close to what you think? Do you think you can change him? If you love him enough, then he will change? Go no contact with him and don’t look at his social media or have any sort of communication with him. Grieve if you need to. Once you can get far from the situation, you can analyze it and have a more clear perspective on the relationship. Understand that he is not capable of or does not want to give you what you need (Affection and/or validation). You should focus on yourself and figure out what you need and who you are for now.