I need help in clearing my mind , confused about my feelings about my ex .!!!!!

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This topic has 42 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 4 months ago by Anonymous.

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July 9, 2015 at 10:35 am #79572
jen
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Hi everyone!
I have been coming here whenever I feel pain in my heart and tears start falling. I really got nowhere to go and talk about it because I am not comfortable talking about my feelings with others! so i hope all my tinybuddha friends can help me! i would like a guy’s opinion on this as well. its gonna be a long post but i hope somebodyy can help me. So here is the story.

I am an independent girl and i have never ever given a guy priority over my own self. I have always put my feelings first before anyone else, i may also be a little selfish because i never care how much certain people like me , i am moody and behave according to my mood with no concern for others. Never have i said sorry to anyone or talk about feelings with anyone. not even my best friends. i tend to keep everything inside. i feel if i show my vulnerability i might be percieved as weak, so i try to be a cynic in all things relating to love and relationships in front of everyone. which is not to say i am extremely friendly, i like talkin to people i just dont like gettin close to them and i never have. i always keep a certain distance when it comes to people and if a guy starts showing extra care for me i get irritated and i shut them out.

Now! thats what i am in real and what i have been all my life and what i am with every single person around me .. except one!
the irony! i fell in love with somebody who was exactly like me. somebody stubborn headstrong and exactly everything i described myself as. at the beginning it was so nice because we understood each other so well. and then the problems started. he started gettin angry for small things like if i hang out with friends to party or if i dont reply to his messages right away or if i talk to other guys(like i said m extremely friendly so i talk to everyone nicely) . and usually i wouldnt give a damn but when he got angry or upset i felt something in my heart like “i shouldnt do things to make him upset” which was weird for me because i have never ever thought like that even for my family. he kept implying that i didnt care for him enough or like him as much as he did so i felt it was a necessity to do everything to prove to him how much i care. i dont know why i found that behaviour of his appealing (maybe its because all my life guys have tried to be so nice to me and when he got angry it was something new and i kinda felt a rush) i felt like he was angry becasue he loves me too much and i tried to do everything he wished just to prove to him too that i love him just the same.
so just for him i totally changed from this tough girl who didnt care about anyone to this girl whose life revolved around him. everything i did , i did it for him. and i loved him a lot. i felt so happy buying things for him(i have never bought a gift for anyone in my life), i felt so happy making him happy, i felt happy just changing my whole self for him, i felt happy discarding my friends for him, i felt happy just living only for him. because i felt so happy with him.
and then he left me.
he left me because he said his family will never allow us. he left me even after i begged him not to. before he left me he told me that we were not gonna happen so i asked him that until the time he is in the same city with me to just be friends so that it would be easier when he actually leaves. he didnt allow it. he got mad everytime i brought up the topic of just being friends. so i didnt.
when he finally left he still wanted to be friends and be same as always. but he never ever said it by himself. i had to figure it by myself what he wanted. i was obviously heartbroken and i cried and everything and everytime i cried and said something he would get angry and stop talkin to me for weeks and i would calm down n say sorry eventually for crying. now its been 6 months and i have been better.

i have forgiven everything he did and didnt do. i have accepted it. but just very recently he got pissed off because i replied to his messages late. i was sleeping and another time my network was down and he got angry and stopped talking to me. i apologised for that many times and still he ignored me and said he needs time i got pissed off as well because i felt i didnt need to please him anymore since we arent together anymore so i told him that he hurt me in ways he doesnt know. to that he replied lets stop talking forever.

and i can never stay angry at him so after a few days i texted him , not apologetically but just casually hoping he will respond too. but he didnt. every since then i have been tryin to get him to talk and he is being indifferent and told me to leave him. he said he misses me but he wont talk to me becasue he doesnt want to.

so i thought about it and i realised he must be hurt and i start thinking its time to let go. he doesnt share his feelings with anyone so i know he must be suffering alone and that makes me worry about him. i want him to be happy and i want him to not have bitter feelings for me.

i accept that we need to stay away from each other but i want us to have a good goodbye, not this bitter hateful one.

but i just cant get myself to let him go. i worry that he must be sad and need me. i worry tat if i move on i may never care for him again. i worry that i may never see him again. i want us to be platonic friends and i want us to have an understanding and depart with respect in honor of all the good times we had. but he doesnt seem to want it.

and that makes me cry and hurt.

ps. i have always wondered why he cant change for me if i could change everything for him. for him whatever i do for him is never enough. he has a major anger problem and i have asked him to be a little cool about it but he says he has a dead heart when angry. but i dont understand if he really cares for me how can he stay angry at me?
- This topic was modified 9 years, 5 months ago by jen.
July 9, 2015 at 8:05 pm #79596

Gracie
Participant

Well, based on my experience just let him go. Someone who truly loves you wouldn’t treat you like that. Stop asking questions and wondering to yourself Why he wouldn’t change for you. Clearly he has problems and need to fix himself first. I understand you love him so much and care about him so much and that’s okay. Things just have to end. Just accept it. Be grateful for the happy memories u had together. Stop trying to understand and change things you cannot change. Just let it be and let it go. You’ll have peace of mind.Cut all communications With your ex. Just walk away. I know it hurts like hell but in time you will heal and be happy again.

July 10, 2015 at 6:31 am #79609

jen
Participant

Thank you so much and i know exactly thats what i should be doing. However I worry about him so much. I feel he needs me and that i shouldnt abandon him. I feel he needs somebody and I am the only person who he is comfortable being pampered by and m worried that he must be suffering all alone and for me to leave him at this time of his need i feel guilty to move on and let go. How do u convince yourself that you should think of your happiness first before his.? How do u get the courage to stop worrying about him and move on?

July 10, 2015 at 8:04 am #79610

Anonymous
Guest

Dear lemonflavored:
How do you do anything that is difficult to do? Is that the question? I didn’t read your whole original post. I read in the above that you “should be” leaving your ex behind. So you believe leaving him is the right thing to do. But it is difficult, so you are asking HOW do I do what is the right thing to do when it is so difficult?

I absolutely KNOW I should not be eating too much. I was up most of last night bloated because I ate too much- i absolutely know i should not be eating more this very morning, after only last night as proof I should not- and after nights not long in the past where I also stayed up miserable. And yet I want to eat, more and more. And when I feel good during the day- it is easier- but when i feel distressed, my mind automatically goes to: “Eat! Eat! Eat!”

Back to your question- wait, it is the same question, different topic, HOW do you do something you believe is the right thing to do (or not to do) when it is difficult? ANd how do you keep doing (or not doing) it moment, after moment, hour after hour, day after day, in good times AND bad? Can YOU help me out with this- can you help me with my problem (same question)- it may be the answer to your own question, and I do need insight!
anita

July 10, 2015 at 8:17 am #79611

jen
Participant

Thats the problem, I do not think its bad for me.. I in fact think m happiest when i talk to him.. and i never want that happiness to go away.. no mattter how rude he is to me.. i can never ever think its bad.. i m completely blind to facts … but the fact is that whatever happens i always feel happiest when he is happy and I think i will never find such happiness … He s has some problems but i know how sad he must be.. and i worry.. i want to stop worrying about him!! i want to start thinking for myself first before i think for him… i want to stop feelings the need to protect him and make him happy… how do i get angry at him so that i can be selfish for myself?

July 10, 2015 at 9:51 am #79614

Karlo
Participant

For a moment, I thought you were my ex girlfriend and my heartbeat started to rise with every single sentence I have read, but your story went in different direction so, what a freaking relief, you are not my ex! 😛
Well, I think he is still immature and spoiled (not ready for serious relationship), I was like him 4 years ago and with time he’ll realize what he was doing was wrong.
Best advice I can give you in this moment is to cut any connections with him and move on.

With kindness,
Karlo

July 10, 2015 at 10:13 am #79616

jen
Participant

thank you! 🙂 i feel better knowing that somebody can understand. i just feel bad that he thinks m the one who is wrong in everything no matter what i try to do to make him happy. Since you can relate to him, if i were to stop contacting him he will not suffer right? will he feel better that i m not troubling him? i just dont want to be the kind of girl who pesters and keep burdening him. i want him to be happy and i want to make sure that he will be happy without me. he will be alright right? i dont need to worry about him ? thats all i want..

July 10, 2015 at 10:34 am #79617

Karlo
Participant

Yeah, he is stubborn.
I strongly recommend to stop any contact with him as soon as possible.
I’m not trying to scare you or anything, I have been in similar relationship that ended almost 2 years ago.
During that relationship and after breaking up I have developed depression,anxiety and ocd, wanted to hurt and kill myself…
But thanks to that, I’m much stronger now. My choice was to live and seek help.
Still struggling with anxiety and ocd though (I don’t use medications).
I have chosen my own path and way to live and soon I’ll get rid of these conditions without any use of medications 🙂
He is going to be fine, don’t worry.

July 10, 2015 at 10:41 am #79618

jen
Participant

Thats all i wanna hear.. that he will be fine.. i just want him to be happy and i dont want him to feel alone like how m feeling.. thank you 🙂 i hope he will be truly happy! knowing that gives me strength to let go.

July 10, 2015 at 10:47 am #79619

Anonymous
Guest

Dear lemonflavored:
You remind me of myself in this: I used to think that if I stopped contact with my mother (because my relationship with her hurt me so much), she will fall apart, that she will not be able to live without me. I strongly believed that. When I finally cut contact with her at 52 (She was then 72), I went through so much anguish, so much guilt and torture. I didn’t know if I made the right choice because I suffered so much. It is only very recently, 2 years after cutting contact with her that I am relaxing into it.

Of course, you are talking about a boyfriend or ex boyfriend and not your mother. The thing is though, attachment is attachment and what is a stronger attachment than between a daughter and her mother? If you do cut contact with him, I do hope it will be easier for you because he … is not your mother.

Having stated all that, back to me: what I learned over time that I inaccurately projected myself into my mother. I thought that she couldn’t live without me. Reality: all along I believed I couldn’t live without her. I thought she loved me so much and will be heart broken once I cut contact with her. I discovered that I inaccurately projected myself into her: it was I who loved her so much and it was my heart that was broken… and broken it was a long time ago as I reached and reached for her to love me and she did not.

I thought she needed me too much to live without me. I was wrong: I needed her too much and am still, as I type this, trying to make my own life without her.

It is my hope that my sharing is of some help to you…
anita

July 10, 2015 at 10:47 am #79620

Karlo
Participant

You are welcome 🙂
Keep going forward.
Live the life you deserve and never look back.

With warmth,
Karlo

July 10, 2015 at 10:54 am #79621

jen
Participant

thats really something.. thank you so much… it really helped.. because its true.. yes he does miss me but not as much as i do.. i know that.. because the way he is behaving towards me i have behaved towards others in my life.. people who loved me too much and i like them a normal amount but i felt guilted by their love i pretended to love them back as much., when the reality is clear.. i guess this is karma.. i m gettin what i gave to all those people who loved me..

July 12, 2015 at 11:54 pm #79734

Annie
Participant

I don’t think that thinking of this as karma will help. You will just continue to beat yourself up. I’m in the same exact position as you are with your ex. I think you are forgetting about your own happiness. You think you are only happy when you receive responses from him and when he doesn’t respond you get upset. You should be happy with or without him. When you decide that you deserve to be treated with love and respect (which you deserve I assume because that’s what you give), then you will be ready to move on. It’s so hard, but after a while you begin to realize that you can still care for the person, but you deserve more than that. Good luck, just keep yourself busy and try to find out what makes you happy.

July 13, 2015 at 10:05 am #79754

jen
Participant

i was happy by myself all these while and the past three years he totally changed it and left me hanging..so its frustating and i get really confused.. because what i am and what he made me are two polar opposites and sometimes i resent him because i would never be in this position if i didnt let him.. all i expected was a little bit acknowledgement of the fact but he doesnt.. and it makes me so petty.. i want to be happy and worry free

July 13, 2015 at 3:27 pm #79782

Annie
Participant

I understand how this must be difficult for you. Sometimes we can lose ourselves in relationships and even do things that we would not normally do. I think it’s important to acknowledge that we can’t change what happens to us, but we can change how we react to it. When you can acknowledge yourself, his acknowledgement will no longer be important. “Acknowledgement” should come from within because no other person can make us feel complete or happy unless we make ourselves happy first. You were you before he came a long and that person is still there, you just need to rediscover yourself. You might be surprised to find new things about yourself that have changed for the better. Be kind and patient with yourself.
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