Hi kperry23,

I do not see an issue with this…. I would be honest with your boyfriend.

I am confused at to why you call it a mistake! To me this indicates you may have responded favourably to his advances. Otherwise it is an assault. I also sense a justification in your wording by mentioning the alcohol consumption.

If my suggestion is true, I would most definitely be honest with your boyfriend. No for him, but for you as it is you who broke your own moral code, and it is you who feels guilty.

This will eat away at you, and end up causing distrust within your relationship with your boyfriend…..

Best

Evan

Dear kperry23:

Your distress over the incident a month ago is significant and has to be dealt with somehow. It is not going away by itself so it needs to be examined further and processed into a resolution, a state of peace of mind about it so that when you remember the incident, it doesn’t bring the distress it now does.

When attacked or assaulted, the three reactions are: Fight, Flight and Freeze. The last response, your response to the kiss, is a natural reaction to an attack. You were afraid, there were three responses available and you automatically froze. It was not a conscious choice as animals do it also, without thinking, without thoughtful choosing.

I agree with everything that you wrote that your mother told you. And yet, for as long as you are distressed over what happened, you and your relationship is in trouble.

You wrote that you set high standards for yourself. I am assuming this has been a pattern for you, to get so alarmed when you don’t meet your own high standards? And if so, where do these standards come from; who introduced to you the concept of having high standards and the nature of those standards?

anita

Dear kperry23:

What comes to my mind as I read your last post:

You did something wrong that night, made a few mistakes that lead to the incident. If you could go back to the beginning of that evening, you would do some things differently, not share a cab with a man, for one; not drink out in a bar-like setting where some of the men and women hook up, I figure. You have the details, they are not so important to me except to state that you made a few mistakes.

Now here is the thing: if you went back to the beginning of that evening, you would do a few things differently. So you are prepared for that same incident, prepared to prevent it. But you will make other mistakes for which you are not yet prepared. And if you spent a lifetime learning from mistakes, there will be still… new mistakes to be made.

Everyone makes mistakes. It is unavoidable. Your boyfriend, as wonderful as he is, is making mistakes every day. Now, you wouldn’t want him to torture himself over an unavoidable fact of life, making wrong choices, do you? And if and when you have a child, you wouldn’t want your child to torture himself or herself over what she can’t help, do you?

You made a couple of mistakes that night so now you owe your boyfriend something: when he makes a mistake (and I don’t mean a cruel act, but the wrong choice, one he didn’t think enough beforehand) then you owe him to forgive him. You will know from personal experience that it is okay to make mistakes and will afford him the same forgiveness as I hope you will be affording yourself.

Regarding your father: you took it upon yourself to be the polar opposite- perfect. You have zero percent chance of success in that aim, to be the polar opposite, that is to be perfect. To want to be perfect is an all-or-nothing distorted thinking. It is not realistic and impossible to actualize. To be very, very different from your father, go 90 degrees away from him, not 180 degrees. Be honest, but that doesn’t mean “vomiting” every thought and feeling you have as if to confess every … sinful thought and feeling (there is no such thing as a sinful thought or feeling). And it is impossible to behave perfectly.

You have work to do, serious work in changing some basic beliefs you have about what being good means, changing all-or-nothing/ extreme kind of thinking… be okay with your … fate as a human being, to make mistakes and to allow these in others. Take mistakes as learning opportunities so to have a less and less mistake ridden life, with no hope of eliminating making mistakes.

You may want to attend psychotherapy with a competent therapist for this aim. Also, I don’t see a way for you to not be communicating with your boyfriend about such an important journey that I hope you will be taking. This incident that happened is an opportunity for you to start this healing journey. Involve your boyfriend in it. It is too important and can bring the two of you closer together. You can find out about his attitudes, his core beliefs about making mistakes and the hopeless quest to be perfect. This can get very interesting.

Please post again anytime.

anita

Dear kperry23:

When I suggested you talking with your boyfriend, I didn’t mean about the incident. I meant about your all-or-nothing/ black and white thinking about making mistakes and trying to be perfect. I suggested the latter because no way this thinking is limited to that incident. It is playing a part in your relationship with him independently of the incident and will continue to do so (because there will be more mistakes).

You are afraid that one mistake will lead to a spiraling out of control situation, a scary disaster of sorts. You wrote that this is what happened when you were a child. Was it scary, out of control fights between your parents that you are referring to?

anita