I miss my emotionally abusive (ex-)boyfriend.

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This topic has 37 replies, 14 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 4 months ago by Eliana.

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November 13, 2016 at 10:19 pm #120332

Aballa
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JJC,

I understand that 35 years is an extremely long period of time to undergo such abuse and I know how difficult it is to get out – especially as your mental state is probably very disoriented as a result of the abuse you have endured. And even though I have never been in an emotionally abusive relationship as long as you have, I can imagine the extreme difficulty you are experiencing emotionally. But you must not give up.

At least start by creating an escape plan. Are you dependent on your partner in any way? Do you have dependent children with your partner? Is there anywhere and anyone you can go to? Put all your important and necessary belongings together in one place so that if you need to escape, you can easily take what you need and leave (including any pets and their documents). Is there anything that may threaten your safety (either before or after you leave)?

Creating an escape plan is the first step. Getting out is the second. Overcoming the emotional trauma is in my opinion the third and most painful step and the healing process can take a really long time. But it is all possible and once you’ve reached the other side of the healing process, you will have your life back again. You can be happy and do whatever you want with your life without someone constantly watching over you. And you will be able to set new boundaries from this education so that it never happens to you again. Please, at least take the first step by creating an escape plan.

One of the posters on this thread, MamaD, recommended a book by Lundy Bancroft called “Why does he do that? Inside the minds of Angry and Controlling Men”. I read the book and it has helped me so much and I would also recommend you read it.

November 13, 2016 at 10:37 pm #120333

Aballa
Participant

dee010812,

I’m so glad you have found comfort from this post. Everything you say is so right. We know exactly what we have to do but the emotions we go through are what controls us. Leaving is so painful – even more so with narcissists because of the trauma we go through. But it is by far the best option for sure. Once we are at the end of the healing process, we would have gained back our lives, our freedom, our boundaries and a huge education.

Keep going! You are just beginning your new life and with each day that passes, the light at the end of this dark tunnel gets bigger and bigger! I wish you strength and peace.

November 17, 2016 at 2:23 am #120548

John
Participant

Aballa,

The escape plan you refer to should be very easy for me. At least in theory. There have been countless plans over the years and 12 months ago I rented a house to go and live in. It was a detailed plan (one of many). It wasn’t until 3 months after the rental period started that I managed to move in there but I only stayed just a few weeks before going back. I have no idea why I went back and as soon as I did, I wanted to leave again but have not been able to do so. I spent the rest of this summer and early autumn trying to get back to the rented house but couldn’t bring myself to do it because of my emotional state, which has been truly horrible. I have been a mess. The rental period was for 12 months and I stayed there for less than 1 month. Needless to say it was a very expensive exercise but I had to try and would do it all over again as the expense involved has little meaning relative to the bigger picture. In practical terms, there is nothing holding me back as I have financial security and there are no children involved. The plans you suggest have all been put in place on multiple occasions but nothing ever works out for me because of the pain and suffering, which overcomes me whenever I try to implement the plans. I don’t know why this happens to me. I know it is irrational and out of all proportion and I know that it is all tied up with my wife’s abusive behaviour and manipulation, resulting in psychological control. It’s a very powerful, terror inducing, influence from which I can’t seem to escape or switch off. I can not cope with it and I cease to function as a rational person whenever I try to leave. Good luck with your new found freedom and you must stay away from the addictive behaviour that is a huge part of these toxic relationships that we have been subjected to. It poisons the spirit until there is nothing left but an empty person. Take the antidote – not the poison.

November 29, 2016 at 10:57 pm #121546

Aballa
Participant

Oh JJC, how I wish I was there for you. I wish I could physically take you out of this prison you are in. I know how it feels, it’s an illness. Please keep trying and please don’t give up. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be free. You can always talk to me if you need someone to talk to. Be strong. xx

December 7, 2016 at 5:13 am #122139

John
Participant

Aballa. Thanks for your kind words. I won’t give up. I can’t do that but part of me thinks that life would be much easier if I could.

April 20, 2017 at 11:21 am #146027

Bethani
Participant

I’ve recently become aware of narcissistic personality disorder – when I read your post that was the first thing that came to my mind, that he fits it on every count, particularly when you said you “had become him.” I think that’s a really surreal feeling that only people who have been in that situation will fully understand-how it takes you over. I’m glad to see you’ve come out in a much better place. 🙂

In reading John’s post- my heart goes out to you and any others who feel trapped in this way. I’ve been in an on and off narcissistic relationship/friendship for the past 15 years and have recently cut off contact and I completely understand the overwhelming ufge to continually go back to and hold on to the abusive relationship. This is actually a very real addiction- chemicals called peptides code to the psychological pain and you literally become addicted to the pain.

If you’re struggling to let go, get yourself back, just get through the second by second fight for survival, I recommend looking up Melanie Tonia Evans. She has a program that helps you release the pain and really heal. There are also a bunch of free resources and valuable articles on her website. It’s been the #1 thing that has significantly helped me recover.

June 28, 2017 at 3:35 am #155364

R
Participant

Aballa, How have you been?

June 28, 2017 at 4:57 pm #155474

Eliana
Participant

Hi Aballa,

It looks like you received some great responses and advice, so I won’t make this long. I just wanted to add that I too went through a nightmare with a very emotionally abusive man, I think I stayed and put up with him so long, was because I was trying to “fix” him, when in reality I was trying to fix my Alcoholic Mother who severely neglected, abandoned, abused me. He, also was very controlling once telling me during our fights “I have everything, you have nothing” by this time, I believed all the lies he told me, I got sucked in the longer I stayed with him, I thought I was doing it for “love” but mostly I was under his cast..I guess you call it, under his spell of extreme narcissism.

It took me four years to get over the trauma he put me through, but in a way, I always went back to him..”if I just try harder, give him what he wants, be a better girlfriend, drop out of college” “he will really change and show me affection and love”. Nope. He even yelled at me in front of everyone at the airport on the way to Alaska to meet his parents. Worst Christmas of my life. His mom was just like him! Imagine that. Had to put up with twin personalities and awful tension for ttwo weeks, as we got snowbound.

I had to cut him off completely. I stayed at a friend’s house. He was financially secure, but did have to borrow money once, but I didn’t want it, never wanted to see him again. Because I would just go back under his control, like a vicious cycle. Never ending.

I joined a 12 step program called “Emotions Anonymous and Co-dependents Anonymous. They have face to face meetings, or phone group meeting and you can call in from outside the country. It was a Godsend to me. I was a co-dependent. If you “Google” it, or go to their website, they will find you a sponsor, although you don’t have to have one. It is a free program. The people are happy, healthy, warm, welcoming and loving. Most have completed all 12 steps, but there are many only on their first step. Many become lifelong friends. Keep us posted.

September 10, 2017 at 10:04 pm #168218

Shwetha
Participant

Hi Aballa,

I would like to share my story here as I am not sure if it was an abusive relationship. I would like to know your thoughts on this.

It started about 8 months ago when we met online where he instantly liked me and contacted me . He said he was in love right in the first two weeks and decided to get married to me. We met about a month later and he introduced to his family and friends as his fiancee. We were in a long distance relationship and after coming back our families met and planned to get us married as soon as possible. The first two months were fine but after that he suddenly started becoming distant and even when we were on call he used to browse , not respond properly and ignore me. After few months he stopped talking about the future but still said he loves me and promised to me and my parents that he would only marry me. Our families then decided on a date to get us married which is when he talked his family to postpone the wedding saying he is not financially stable and does not want to get married until next year. He still used to call me regularly and tell me that he loves me but he started criticizing about my physical appearances , said he looks better than me and never supported me in my problems. Even if start talking about myself the conversation used to always end up about his life and troubles as he is not financially stable and is yet to complete his masters. I was also beginning to get suspicious about him having an affair with somebody at work but he constantly denied about it. He was always different with me around his friends and family but in private he was constantly judgemental about everything. It was only about a month ago he started yelling at me , criticism has gone from bad to worse and even started name calling. When i stopped talking to him he started blaming me for all the problems in the relationship and that I am too sensitive to take his comments too seriously.I couldn’t prove to my family or his what was going on with me as I was experiencing extreme anxiety. He made my cry several times and didn’t even try to console me. I believe he is having an affair but he constantly denied about it and proved that I am crazy and I have extreme insecurity. I could feel it in my gut that something is wrong but I couldn’t prove it. I used to cry myself to sleep as he stopped caring about me and started yelling at me blaming it on his work pressure and other financial conditions.

We broke up but i still feel that I miss him as there were times when he was nice and calm. I really don’t know if I have done the right thing. He made me believe that I led to this break up and his family thinks that I am crazy and blaming him for no reason.
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