Hello Aballa,
I walked beside my daughter as she struggled to recover from an abusive marriage and have now worked with women who are trying to escape from abusive relationships for several years. Your story is heartbreaking to read and it is all too familiar to me. In many ways, emotional / verbal abuse is more damaging to a person than physical abuse because it destroys one’s sense of self.

Abuse is not about love…it is all about power and control. It also gets worse over time, not better, and even with extensive therapy only an extremely small percentage of abusive men will change. Your ex-partner displays the behaviours of a classic abuser, and there is absolutely nothing you personally can do that will make him see the error of his ways and change….no amount of love towards him, no amount of explanations, no amount of second chances, no difference in where he lives, no difference in jobs, no difference in your behaviour or how you react to his abuse. His abusive behaviour has to do with him and his mindset. It is not about you.

I would like to recommend an excellent book entitled “Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft. It is the book we recommend to all of our clients and I believe you will get some very valuable and helpful insights from it. The author has worked extensively with abusive men and knows how they think and operate…and he has written the book for the women.

For your own emotional safety and well-being I hope you can keep your resolve to end the relationship for good. You will recover….but please be gentle with yourself and give yourself some time. If you can find a good support group for abused women or counselling agency that understands the dynamics and consequences of abuse, you might also find those very helpful.

Take care.

Aballa, I hope things have worked out well for you. Having read your story I have deep sympathy and understanding. I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for decades and know exactly how such a relationship has a very traumatising effect on ones well being. Hopefully you have seen the light and moved on before it is too late as the damage is cumulative to the point you become stuck and unable to get out. Eventually it becomes a psychological prison from which there seems to be no escape even when nothing is physically preventing it. That is how it has worked out for me.

Aballa,

I think by now and the amount you poured out, you will KNOW what you need to do and are likely feeling better for just getting it all out. You deserve better. Make space for yourself and heal. Im here for similar missing someone who wasn’t good to me but If I catch myself pining, I give a swift ‘Take off the Rose-tinted glasses!’ to myself and it is sobering. I am now scared of the anger setting in and I also feel what I think won’t be a stranger to your story, guilt. But I think its important to focus on what you now need, not look back. Wish you luck on getting through this, keep a clear head and the tinted glasses off and you’ll be fine!

G x

I just joined this forum and this was one of the first posts I ran across and it couldn’t be more fitting.

I am currently in the same situation.

He is a narcissistic abuser, just like my on again off again boyfriend.

I’ve learned he only comes back to regain his power. He leaves, and I get to sit in misery and depression missing him until he comes back. And then the cycle continues. And it ALWAYS continues. I can’t count the number of times we’ve left each other only to get back together.

It’s been a year. I moved to Minnesota with him for his work, we were engaged and I was pregnant with his child. I moved back to my home state of Michigan after I miscarried and when the verbal abuse turned physical. He moved back to Michigan as well and then the cycle started all over again. The few months I was back in Michigan were agonizing. I was an empty shell. Six months passed until he came back and then I was able to be “me” again.

People can tell me countless times he isn’t good for me. I also know he isn’t good for me. But I feel so completely EMPTY without him. Sometimes I tell myself I need the chaos of him because the pain I feel when he is controlling and belittling me is EASIER than the pain I feel when he is gone.

You can’t go back. I can’t either. It won’t change. It will continue, and get worse, and most likely become physical. But this pain of losing him? Man. I can’t take it. Every morning I wake up with a pit in my stomach. It’s gotten so routine that I don’t even wear makeup on my way to work because I always cry at least once during the drive. It is EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I’m just not strong enough for this.

Long story short, you are not alone. We have to take this step now, because if you dig down deep you know the relationship isn’t going to last forever. Why drag it out? But the pain in the process is so real. I hope you find strength and peace.