Home→Forums→Relationships→I miss my emotionally abusive (ex-)boyfriend.
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July 22, 2016 at 6:55 pm #110311MamaDParticipant
Hello Aballa,
I walked beside my daughter as she struggled to recover from an abusive marriage and have now worked with women who are trying to escape from abusive relationships for several years. Your story is heartbreaking to read and it is all too familiar to me. In many ways, emotional / verbal abuse is more damaging to a person than physical abuse because it destroys one’s sense of self.Abuse is not about love…it is all about power and control. It also gets worse over time, not better, and even with extensive therapy only an extremely small percentage of abusive men will change. Your ex-partner displays the behaviours of a classic abuser, and there is absolutely nothing you personally can do that will make him see the error of his ways and change….no amount of love towards him, no amount of explanations, no amount of second chances, no difference in where he lives, no difference in jobs, no difference in your behaviour or how you react to his abuse. His abusive behaviour has to do with him and his mindset. It is not about you.
I would like to recommend an excellent book entitled “Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft. It is the book we recommend to all of our clients and I believe you will get some very valuable and helpful insights from it. The author has worked extensively with abusive men and knows how they think and operate…and he has written the book for the women.
For your own emotional safety and well-being I hope you can keep your resolve to end the relationship for good. You will recover….but please be gentle with yourself and give yourself some time. If you can find a good support group for abused women or counselling agency that understands the dynamics and consequences of abuse, you might also find those very helpful.
Take care.
July 22, 2016 at 7:12 pm #110312LisaParticipanti agree with kbearbuddha-
GO NO CONTACT.
fuck the money. youll probably never get it back anyway and its just an excuse to interact.i was in the exact same relationship for 8! years…..walking on eggshells, crazy outbursts & crying from him for no reason, insults, spat on me…..i read your entire post just cause it sounded just like my ex.
so fast forward three years and i have this new lover who is actually a healthy, normal man. he has NEVER yelled at me, accused me of fucking my male friends, taken money – he apologises when he is wrong! – which at first seemed completely and totally amAzing to me. apologizing. taking personal responsibility. normal things that people do. amazing.
therapy, excercise, make art, be with friends, and treat this like an addiction – everytime you want to call or message this asshat call a good friend or family member instead…..or re-read your own post about his completely unacceptable behaviour towards you. yes, abusive relationships are like addictions. therapy might help a lot.
run for your life girl, your man sounds like a monster. it is NOT going to get better. dont spend 8 or 10 or 20 years on this relationship that is destroying you.
run.
good luck.
analisaJuly 23, 2016 at 8:50 am #110333AballaParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you very much for your response. You’ve said some things I never thought about and it is very true. I guess I really want an explanation for everything but I suppose I have to accept the fact that I won’t get a logical explanation from him. It’s not possible.
As for the childhood, I think he was using his childhood for both as an excuse to him living his life so far in self defeating ways and as an excuse for his abusive behaviour. He also said that he’s had depression before. So to an extent, I think he may at times have seen it, but he never did anything to try an change it. I don’t know, I may be wrong. I think now, I have to accept the fact that I may never find an explanation for his behaviour and look forward. Only through that can I find peace in myself again.
July 23, 2016 at 9:06 am #110334AballaParticipantDear KBearBuddah,
Thank you so much for your kind words and I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve had a similar experience. I really hope you are fine now.
I had a look at Narcissistic Personality Disorder… there were times I suspected he was somewhat narcissistic but it was hard to tell, I don’t know why. I always thought narcissists were easy to see. With him, he was very different in front of other people than with me. He was charming in front of others; he always showed me affection, he was always helpful, and he always went out of his way to do things for others. But in private, it was very different and he definitely did shows a lot of traits of NPD. I dare say, he was a real pig! I could never make sense of it.
There are times when I miss him, and now there are times where I feel really angry, that he put me through all this and got away with it. I really want to tell him what he has put me through and make him understand what he has done, but I know that’s pointless. I’ve tried before but he does not understand. He won’t even listen.
Everyone is right when they say I need to let go of him and my feelings. I have to accept that there is no logic with this man and that I will never have a logical explanation.
July 23, 2016 at 9:15 am #110335AballaParticipantDear ThomasStride,
Thank you for your message.
I have been thinking of seeing a therapist for a while and I’ve decided I will do that. I will also consider your suggestion of a self help group.
I only just revealed everything I went through to my mum yesterday. It was difficult actually to reveal something like this to someone so close, but she was very supportive of me and furious with him at the same time. That helped a lot.
I think like you, a combination of things will work for me. I have so many emotions going through me at the moment: sadness, trauma, anger, to name a few.
Thank you for your supportive words and I really wish the best for you.
Aballa
July 23, 2016 at 9:35 am #110339AballaParticipantHi Mamad,
Thank you for taking the time to read my post and responding.
And thank you for the book recommendation, I will buy it and read it. Maybe it will help me come to terms with everything. It’s a struggle I’m having now; I’m trying to understand his mind but I just can’t. And I can’t understand why he can’t see his error. Sometimes it is just so blatantly obvious.
I’m also going through a lot of self-doubt. He has constantly criticised my character. He has said things to me no one has ever told me before. He has criticised aspects of me that others have complemented. I know I’m not perfect, but the things he has said to me has been engrained into my head that I am a bad human being and that I am the problem. I have to keep reminding myself to step outside of my shoes and look at the situation from an external point of view to know that the problem was not me. But it’s really brought down my self-esteem, and then he tells me I’ve got confidence issues.
Good on you, Mamad, for working with women who have been trying to escape abusive relationships for years. I really appreciate your work.
All the best to you 🙂
Aballa
July 23, 2016 at 9:49 am #110344AballaParticipantDear Analisa,
I’m so happy to hear you happy a healthy, normal relationship now. Nobody deserves an abusive relationship.
My ex was the first and only man to have ever yelled at me. The first time was extremely shocking and it still is. I remember telling him this and his reaction was 1) he didn’t believe me 2) I deserved it 3) he didn’t seem to believe that other men don’t yell. Maybe he learnt it from somewhere, I don’t know.
You are right – this is like an addiction and I must treat it like one. And like you suggested, every time I miss him, I always read through my post and all the responses. It also makes me angry though and makes me want to shove it in his face! But I know it’s pointless. He won’t see the problems.
I will try therapy and keep my mind occupied with positive activities like you said, art, friends, and exercise. I only just told my mum everything and although it was hard at first, it really helped.
Cherish your new relationship, Analisa, and take care.
Aballa
July 23, 2016 at 10:04 am #110353AnonymousGuestDear Aballa:
I like how you answered each and every person who replied to you with attentiveness, appreciation, empathy and grace. This tells me a lot about who you are, way more than the topic of your thread by itself.
I do see a logical explanation to his behavior, only I agree it is not your job to see it, to solve his problems- you can’t even if you dedicated your life to doing so. Your only job with a person like this is to not have him in your life.
The logical explanation is that he deflects the prospect of looking and examining his own thoughts, feelings and behaviors by pointing the finger at you and blaming you for anything that goes wrong in his mind and life.
This is a common strategy that people use and so, it is not at all unique to him, and for me it is not illogical or hard to understand.
anita
November 4, 2016 at 7:18 am #119598JohnParticipantAballa, I hope things have worked out well for you. Having read your story I have deep sympathy and understanding. I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for decades and know exactly how such a relationship has a very traumatising effect on ones well being. Hopefully you have seen the light and moved on before it is too late as the damage is cumulative to the point you become stuck and unable to get out. Eventually it becomes a psychological prison from which there seems to be no escape even when nothing is physically preventing it. That is how it has worked out for me.
November 7, 2016 at 2:43 am #119813AballaParticipantHello JJC,
Thank you for your response. I have stopped missing him but I still feel a lot of anger and anxiety. I have educated myself so much since writing this post. From what I have discovered, I believe that he has narcissistic personality disorder. Everything fits him and his abuse to a T.
Are you still in your abusive relationship, JJC? You use the present tense which is why I ask. Please don’t stay in it. There is always a way out no matter the situation. If you need someone to talk to, you can always talk to me xx
Aballa
November 7, 2016 at 7:25 am #119838RParticipantAballa,
I think by now and the amount you poured out, you will KNOW what you need to do and are likely feeling better for just getting it all out. You deserve better. Make space for yourself and heal. Im here for similar missing someone who wasn’t good to me but If I catch myself pining, I give a swift ‘Take off the Rose-tinted glasses!’ to myself and it is sobering. I am now scared of the anger setting in and I also feel what I think won’t be a stranger to your story, guilt. But I think its important to focus on what you now need, not look back. Wish you luck on getting through this, keep a clear head and the tinted glasses off and you’ll be fine!
G x
November 7, 2016 at 8:59 am #119850JohnParticipantAballa,
Sadly, I have not moved on but got stuck in a state of great psychological turmoil. I am tormented with never ending thoughts of getting out of the relationship but unfortunately, whatever I try does not seem to work out. It has become a prison for me. I know I am damaged by it and brainwashed by it all to the point of constant anxiety. The abuse is hardly present these days but I am still controlled by it from the damage done from years ago.
November 10, 2016 at 6:48 am #120054AballaParticipantJJC,
Please, you must not give up. You cannot live the rest of your life in this prison. You don’t deserve it. I understand the emotions you are going through. After I left mine, not only did I miss him, but I felt extreme rage, panic attacks, flashbacks, and I was diagnosed with mild depression and severe anxiety. These emotions became stronger when I realised the lies, manipulation, gas lighting, and the smearing he did to me. I was brainwashed too, completely mentally destroyed. I lost my confidence, my perception of myself and my perception of reality. I was disoriented. It took me quite some time to gain back my perception of reality and my confidence, and I still am. But I am a lot better now than I was a few months ago. When you leave yours, you will experience the same. These emotions are inevitable, but they are only temporary.
Look into traumatic bonding, gas lighting and hoovering. Maybe you’re experiencing that.
Be strong, you can do it. Once you have control of YOUR life again, only then can the healing begin.
You can always talk to me if you need someone to talk to. My email is turner.nikola@gmail.com.
November 11, 2016 at 3:22 am #120108JohnParticipantAballa,
Thanks for your response. The description of what happened to you seems all too familiar. The panic attacks, flashbacks, depression and severe anxiety. I started to experience these things very early on in my abusive relationship, which was over 35 years ago and I’m still in it today and still suffering. It doesn’t get any easier with time. I too have been brainwashed and mentally destroyed and recognise traumatic bonding and complex PTSD within me. It took me a long time to figure all this out and it is only relatively recently that I have researched anything and everything that I can find on the subject of emotional abuse and abusive personalities. What I have read seems to reflect very closely with what has happened to me and how damaged I am by it and how controlling it is. I suspect I am more susceptible to it than most people and have a very tolerant nature, which is why it has endured for so long and why it became such a big problem. I am now well educated on these things, which has helped me a great deal. Unfortunately, for me it seems to have turned into a very irrational phobia as I am afraid much of the time and walking on eggshells and always have been. I know it is totally irrational but it is also very real in terms of the psychological and physical effects that I suffer whenever I try to escape the control or fight against it. Logic seems to be completely irrelevant. You did the right thing in getting out of something that was very unhealthy and fortunately relatively short compared to what can happen if you get stuck through the traumatic bonding and the control that results. If you are interested to know more details you will find them on this website under the heading of “Emotionally Abused Man” which is a true story of what can happen if it goes on too long and goes badly wrong. It really does cause a big mess for all those involved and I know I am suffering greatly with “victim mentality”.
November 11, 2016 at 11:09 am #120125DanielleParticipantI just joined this forum and this was one of the first posts I ran across and it couldn’t be more fitting.
I am currently in the same situation.
He is a narcissistic abuser, just like my on again off again boyfriend.
I’ve learned he only comes back to regain his power. He leaves, and I get to sit in misery and depression missing him until he comes back. And then the cycle continues. And it ALWAYS continues. I can’t count the number of times we’ve left each other only to get back together.
It’s been a year. I moved to Minnesota with him for his work, we were engaged and I was pregnant with his child. I moved back to my home state of Michigan after I miscarried and when the verbal abuse turned physical. He moved back to Michigan as well and then the cycle started all over again. The few months I was back in Michigan were agonizing. I was an empty shell. Six months passed until he came back and then I was able to be “me” again.
People can tell me countless times he isn’t good for me. I also know he isn’t good for me. But I feel so completely EMPTY without him. Sometimes I tell myself I need the chaos of him because the pain I feel when he is controlling and belittling me is EASIER than the pain I feel when he is gone.
You can’t go back. I can’t either. It won’t change. It will continue, and get worse, and most likely become physical. But this pain of losing him? Man. I can’t take it. Every morning I wake up with a pit in my stomach. It’s gotten so routine that I don’t even wear makeup on my way to work because I always cry at least once during the drive. It is EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I’m just not strong enough for this.
Long story short, you are not alone. We have to take this step now, because if you dig down deep you know the relationship isn’t going to last forever. Why drag it out? But the pain in the process is so real. I hope you find strength and peace.
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