Thank you for your answers, i highly appreciate it. And Anita, thank you for checking up on me. Yes indeed i am confused about my orientation sexually and emotionally and i have a hard time to continue living in a split reality. On one hand my body is attracted to males but i don’t really have a great desire for sexual intimacy with a male partner but i don’t have that urge with females either. I have told about my feelings to my ex-gf  and i told one other girl which i have had sex with back in the days (these are the only two girls i ever had sex with) , both of them recommended me to ”come out” and be my authentic self. But still i don’t know what my authentic ”self” is. It feels like i am attracted to males much more than girls, emotionally and physically i find men attractive but as i said i, not sure i would ever find the will and courage to have sex with a man. I want to point out that whenever i had sex with these two girls i never ”felt” anything except the sensual (physical) pleasure of having sex. There never was any  intimate ”feelings” attached to having sex and that is the confusion for me. I have considered celibacy but that does not change the feelings i’m experiencing and the truth behind myself. Maybe you are right that this all stems from a dysfunctional relationship with my dad or an intimate friendship but i don’t know if getting to know my dad better would resolve my feelings towards men and help me get feelings for women. My life feels like it is on ”hold” and it is not moving anywhere because i keep different realities for different people. All my closest friends don’t know about my feelings and i don’t know how long it will take before the information leaks out one way or another. I just want to be in peace with my friends, and it feels like i keep confusing them about what i really want. My best friend for example, the one i had been talking about in the other posts. I feel very drained around him because i feel i’m being inauthentic and recently i almost can’t speak around him because it feels like i’m checking every word i’m saying and action i’m doing and i think he is starting to notice there is something off about me. I want my life to become (ONE) not a life of split realities. But its almost like i have no clue about what my real self is and what i really want in life. I also feel like i’m dragging along my ex Gf in this confusion, because she knows about my confusion and thinks that i might ”come back” to her. So she avoids getting in relation-ships because she is ”waiting” for me. I do love her but i don’t have feelings for her and i don’t know what to do. Anita, if you are able and have the time. I would appreciate so much if we could talk  in some chat room or something. I really need to discuss with somebody.

I have to say that to some degree i got some relief from telling my ex that i have these feelings towards men and not women, which made her see me in a totally different way and she stopped trying to make me horny and having sleepovers all the time. We still hang out when we can, but i still think she is distracting herself with me since i am the only guy friend she has right now.

To understand me a little better i’m going to share some information about my family, friendships and past.

As a child i was always very attention seeking, still am to some degree. When my brother was born i got very jealous because my mum had to concentrate more on him than me, which made me think that she didn’t care about me as much anymore so i stopped talking to mum for a long time and only played with dad and did things together with him. But one day when i still was asleep my dad had to leave for to another country and left without saying goodbye and when i woke up it was a big tragedy for me because now everybody had left me. This was my biggest childhood-trauma i t believe of what my mum had told me. Lets talk a little more about my dad: I don’t know if this information is relevant but might be, Whenever my dad wanted me and my brother to do something or achieve something we where always rewarded with money or treats whenever we did good in school or at home. He always took the easy route out to make us do what he wanted. On my mums part, she is very loving and caring but she never learned to create her own reality and dreams so she always tried to live her dreams through me and my brother which just ended up us doing all the things she ever wanted to do but through us which we hated. ( ballet, playing the piano, modeling, learning Russian, singing etc). So i never got to know who i was and what i wanted to do. I’m not complaining because they are both loving parents but very unauthentic, for example i never ever seen my mum and dad kiss each other on the mouth within 21 years of living.

I want to add a little about my relationships to my friends, especially my one and only closest friend which is now staring to deterioate. We have known each other for 6 years now, the last year we have gotten very close. There was a moment that i realized how selfish i was and that he was giving me all the time but i never gave anything to him so i started giving him my time and energy. (before this i never had any feelings for him). But when i started investing myself into his life more and spending almost everyday with him, a fire started in me and i started to love him. And the more i gave the more i loved him and myself. But with time this ”love” feelings started going away and i felt i have to give even more to make it come back so i did. I gave almost everything about myself to him (like he would be my boyfriend without being a BF) but slowly this started to kill me, i was losing myself and i felt like i was doing exactly everything to please his experience. I do like my friend a lot but recently i cant keep up with the same amount of energy i have been giving him before, and it has changed him and me. He seems different to me now, like he is changing because i don’t want to see him everyday anymore. I have other things to do, but he sees it as i’m trying to avoid him because i don’t want to always see him with my other friends. I am also kinda feelings guilty because im denying to see him as often to concentrate on myself, but do i need this space and alone time. Why do i feel drained around him these days? I feel inauthentic around him and as if i can’t relate to him anymore. I just wants to hang around smoking weed all day, and i want to stay at home working my art and being myself. I don’t feel myself whenever i’m around him anymore, it used to be a pleasure and a ”vacation” to be around my Bf. Now it feels like a task or something i have to keep up otherwise it won’t work.

Before i continue i have to say that i highly appreciate that you want to help me and answer to my complicated issues without knowing me.

I am trusting that God will show me the right path and i do have hopes for change. I have educated a little about myself and the way i think that might contribute to understanding me better, and why i am so anxious and desperate at the moment. I have a fear of intimacy and that if people get too close to me i feel very stiff and numb and this implies mostly mental connection not physical. Also as i mentioned i feel as i am not my authentic self so that makes me withdraw because it does not feel good to be around friends (have to leave and go home or be alone) and i know this hurts my friends, still i sometimes have to withdraw otherwise i will go into starvation mode inside of me. I am very confused to where all my energy goes since i cant see the same problem in any of my friends, i always find myself being the person people call to hang out with and not the other way around and then when i meet people i get easily bored and out of touch. I just feel the people in my life are suffering from me not offering the whole truth of who i am because they give me love that i don’t truly feel i deserve and it kills me. I am just not sure which parts of me i should share and not share. At this point it feels that the only thing would be with my sexual orientation to do and at the same time that’s the part i feel most unsure about, the urge to speak about it to someone is big and waiting for god bringing me clarity makes me itch because the waiting is hurting me and my friends. I know it sound like i have a rush, but i am really doubting how i should to speak and act to my friends at this point because i don’t want to hurt them anymore. I don’t even know if they are my friends and which ones i should keep, or if i should just keep all. I want to be nice to people but i can’t be nice and act happy. And otherwise its just killing their vibe and i am no fun to hang around. This is all caused by my uncertainty of the future, feels pointless to waste energy on something that might not even work in the future. What should i tell my friend that i planned to move in together with?(best friend) suddenly i’m backing out from something we have been planning for months. Also my ex keeps asking me to go with her on trips to other countries, dinners,theater(feel like a boyfriend without being a boyfriend) , a lot of plans which makes me also extremely anxious as one part of me says no and other yes. How do feel certain about anything and how do i respond to planning when i feel i might be giving dead promises.