I offered to be her friend. I’ve told her several times we can’t be bf-gf. She is a soul mate of sorts cos we have similar thoughts. I do like her and am affectionate to her. But I can’t be her spouse. Practically its not possible. And her husband is a wonderful man, at least from the outside he seems so. I just couldn’t be a part of this. But how can I end it? I’ve said things politely and directly. She feels betrayed. I can’t continue to talk to her in a normal manner and share much about me as I used to, cos I feel she will get more attached to me over the course of time. And as you said what if her husband finds out. I couldn’t and wouldn’t do that to that wonderful family. I want to be good. I want to be reformed. But if I tell her what we’ve done is wrong, she gets angry and says that “Yes, now you’ve suddenly become good and see me as a whore…after enjoying me, and having used me.” She says she doesn’t expect me to be her bf. And she just wants me to keep chatting and giving her moral support. I said ok I’ll do it as a friend and this friend term offends her. But at the same time, if I say anything about a girl or say even someone is beautiful, she starts to get jealous and angry. And how could I continue on to find my own girl in life, if I keep being nervous as to what she (the soul mater) thinks. I can’t be free and normal. I feel liked I’m tied down, despite her being thousands of miles away. Ever since I’ve expressed these feelings to her, she also starts to get suspicious of me if I forget to say her a good morning. She says I am trying to move on, ditching her, after using her.

But I honestly don’t know any other way to tell her. If I be harsh (just to make her hate me) she would be really offended and hurt and might lose hope in people in general. For she trusted me and shared with me so much, things that she is hesitant to discuss with even her therapist.

Just to cool things off, I told her I needed a break, as I have plenty of stuff to handle with mom’s sickness, financial instability, so on. She says that if I was seeing her as a friend, then real friends don’t take breaks or quit on each other during difficult times, but support each other. But due to my anxiety and stress and my constant work pressure and running about from one job to another, I hardly have time to message and I often forget what I am messaging and saying. Sometimes my work pressures put me in a sad or angry mood. If somebody approaches me at this time, I yell at them impulsively. In real life, most people can visually see that I’m stressed and therefore they refrain from asking me something when I’m down. But since she is only messaging on whatsapp, she can’t see my suffering or mood swings. If I tell her I’m in a bad mood or angry over some work issues, she says that I’m just finding excuses to ignore her. And she starts again with the “You used me and threw me” routine. This increases my blood pressure, guilt and anxiety. Then though I control myself immensely, I sometimes message something roughly (no bad words). She gets offended by this and she feels sad, which increases my anxiety even further. By talking to her, my anxiety does increase because of my guilt and my efforts to not say anything to hurt her. After such a difficult conversation with her, it takes me hours to cool down and most days I end up with a head ache or a racing heart. The next day if I apologize, she again says I treat her badly and like filth. She doesn’t allow me a break but also complains as to how i react due to my external pressures. I also sometimes go to facebook or some social site to spend a minute or two, when I wake up suddenly or when I’m really low, to distract myself. She notices that I’m online on these sites and says “You have time for all those, but you don’t have time for me? You are just trying to avoid or ignore me.” But I hardly spend a few minutes on social websites and I have the liberty to abruptly close those tabs when I want. But could I shut down a conversation or bail out abruptly? That would offend her as well. So just because I wake up for a moment in the middle of the night, could I message her and then abruptly sleep? Or perhaps take a moment from my work when I’m too stressed to browse the internet to relax myself. Could I just start a conversation with her in the middle of work and abruptly end it when I’m back in the mood for work? She won’t understand this and keeps saying I ignore her. I’m afraid to make posts on social websites. I’m afraid to go online. I feel so restricted and constrained.

Yesterday morning received some bad news regarding a loved ones’ health condition and that loved one requiring a major surgery. This surgery required a lot of money, which I had to arrange and I was getting really anxious over the news. I communicated with a lot of friends seeking comfort. Many said comforting words, but didn’t do much to help. It was this online friend who at once searched for some charity organisations nearer to my city to help me financially and sent messages all through the night, trying to comfort me. It’s moments like these that makes it hard for me to quit on her. It’s so hard to find genuine loving people in life. I’m being torn by indecision. :(. I just wish she could forgot all the bad and just be a good friend to me and I can be comfortable talking with her. But if her husband finds out or my future wife asks us if we are genuinely only good friends, what kind of a reply would I have? Of course there is nothing sexual anymore, but if they asked us if we were always just friends and nothing more, I wouldn’t be able to answer…
When I want to separate from her, its her goodness that comes to my mind and how I would miss such a wonderful person in life (again as a friend and not as a lover or gf or an affair.) When I want to continue talking to her, its her controlling, mistrusting and restricting side that comes to the forefront and it scares me and makes me uneasy. Not to mention my own guilt.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Jojo.

Thanks. You have indeed been patiently replying. Sorry for being annoying and repetative. It’s just a flurry of emotions. Thanks once again.