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I made mistakes. I can't fix them! Help!

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  • #128461
    Jojo
    Participant

    I’m a man in my late twenties. Never had a girlfriend in real life, from a very conservative society and has been having a slew of personal problems. I’m writing this post as a confession. I’ve been a really bad man and I’m feeling extremely guilty of it. I can’t stop hating myself for it.
    There was a time in my life a couple years ago when there were many financial, health and social issues in my family. I was deeply stressed and was desperately seeking a relief. People suffering from stress usually turned towards ill habits like smoking, drinking, drugs or sex. I wasn’t interested in any of it and coming from a very conservative background, found those to be ‘wrong’ acts to be avoided.
    But I’m human plagued by temptations. Lust was one thing I tried to suppress (though I’m not a sex addict. Don’t worry, I am here admitting all my bad without inhibitions, so I won’t lie about anything in this article.) Though I didn’t want to engage in one night stands and was not ready or serious relationships, I still had my urges as all humans would. Male or female, a majority of people do masturbate and watch porn (in its various forms or at least one form or the other.) But I needed something more than just porn and yet not as much as real life sex.
    So virtual sex seemed like a safe option. I spent a little time on online chat rooms, met a few people and used it as a stress relief. For me this didn’t seem bad for there was no touching of human beings.
    I didn’t think it was morally wrong (now I do…). I had met a few people and became friends. I stumbled upon one particular girl from a latin American country. She was gorgeous, very kind and MARRIED! I should have stopped flirting or making a move online when I came to know she was married. But I was stupid enough to keep chatting, thinking she must be there for fun as well. It wasn’t an adults only chatroom, meaning a room for just sex stuff, but a chatroom where all sorts of people came.
    We chatter, I flirted, she didn’t resist much. She said she was married, but she didn’t like her husband and was thinking hard about separating from him. This only made me think less bad about flirting with her (again I know now I was wrong. I didn’t back then.)
    We chatted a few times more, nothing sexual yet, flirted a lot, discussed about ourselves and got to know each other. Eventually we got close and even ventured into sexual chats and seeing each other on cams often. She lamented more and more about how her husband wasn’t good enough to her and her mom was constantly demeaning her.
    I kept saying about my own problems and she comforted me, as I had comforted her. We became really good friends, shared music, movies, books, discussed about our dreams, fantasies.
    I was really nice to her, for she was a kind and compassionate woman. I didn’t force her to do anything, but did ask her to do stuff on cam which we both enjoyed. But the sex stuff was done for a very short time compared to other normal friendly stuff we did, like share about our problems, encourage each other, watch movies, share music and books, so on.
    We didn’t ever fight, but we did fantasize a lot, talked sexual scenarios so on. One such scenario was we meeting together crossing continents and having some fun time together. The problem is that I saw this as a fantasy scenario said in a horny mood, while she took it very seriously. I was fine with us meeting together some day as friends. I thought she would have a distinction between friendship and the sex stuff.
    She didn’t think anything bad of the virtual sex stuff (as its not like we were touching each other. 95% of the time it was just she on cam and me giving her scenarios.)
    It was all fine till one day, she confessed that she was ‘falling’ for me and that no one else had treated her as good as me. I was shocked and it was only then I had realized what sort of an impact my talking has had on her.
    I have never told her I would love her or marry her. But I did in one of the fantasy sessions asked her to be ‘my’ girl. All these had greatly impacted her and made her feel that I love her.
    I told her that I wasn’t in love with her and all I had for her was great respect, affection and care. She is a good friend no doubt and has helped me get through a whole lot of issues like my parents’ sickness, my own ill health, my career problems so on. She got angry and asked if I didn’t develop anything for her over the course of a year and half and everything was just a game? I didn’t know what to say and seeing her cry made me realize what sort of an awful and dumb man I had been.
    I had also helped her many a time, when it came to her relationship issues with her husband, her health issues and her issues with her mom. It’s not like I had ‘used’ her and ‘threw’ her as she thinks.
    Also I forgot to mention that over the course of the time I came to know that her husband also does love her and though he had said a whole lot of bad stuff about her to her face (which made her hate him), he cares for her and cried for her a lot when she got sick.
    It took my dumb head a whole lot of time to actually understand what I have become a part of and it eats my inside. I am so disgusted of myself and I don’t know how to fix this. I apologized to her, told her I would never again talk sexual stuff with her and haven’t talked about such matters in over 7 months. I have respected her as a friend and I have tried to give her moral support during her difficult times. But she expects more.
    She says that she does not want to marry me or prevent me from having a real life girlfriend. But she wants me to keep continuing to talk to her and treat her as special as I had before (again she does not mean about sex.)
    I was able to talk close before because I took that she saw me as a close friend. But now that I know she has some romantic interest in me, I couldn’t talk to her the same way. She kept asking me the reason why I am not romantically interested in her after saying everything that I did. I couldn’t say to her face that its because she is another man’s wife and a mother of two children. She would ask (and rightly so) that didn’t I know that when we were fooling around sex chatting. I have no answer for this.
    She keeps asking me if everything was just a game for me. Again I have no answer to this. I’m also afraid I would get too attached to her. Fooling around sexting is bad enough, but anything more than that is just wrong. I don’t want to be a cheater (I know I have been thus far) but I don’t want to be anymore. I said what we were doing thus far was wrong and I apologized to it, but she says she doesn’t regret anything and is only pissed that I don’t care for her as much as she cares for me.
    She is already married, has kids, has experienced life. I haven’t. I am close to seven years younger than her. She says that she is not against me meeting girls in real life, but she gets jealous if I say anything about any girl. I can tell she is in ‘love’ with me, but I am not. I repeatedly convey to her that I’m sorry for whatever wrong I had done.
    But she uses my own guilt against me. I do have other issues in life like work, anxiety disorder, stress, family health issues and I’m trying to tackle all that. I had time for her before as I was doing one job that too from home. Now I’m doing several jobs and the sole earner for the family and I couldn’t spend as much time with her as before.
    She thinks that I ‘used’ her and ‘threw’ her. She has a history of childhood abuse, trust issues and is very emotional. I’m very afraid to abruptly end talks with her or block her as that would scar her for life. At the same time I couldn’t continue talking with her as my guilt (which I hadn’t really felt till she said she was falling for me) is tormenting me.
    In real life, I have no bad name in society. I haven’t even dated or slept with people or done anything that people my age do. I am from a sexually repressed community where people look down upon you if you even mention the word sex.
    This is causing me a lot of mental drain and my life in the past six months have been hellish. I can only offer her my friendship and nothing more. But if every two or three days she is going to point out something I had said in the past or done, it triggers my guilt, increases my anxiety and I end up being depressed for days. But she doesn’t understand. I feel so restricted and confined.
    Yes I have made a mistake. I realize it now. I am no saint. I can only ask for forgiveness which I have. I have repented before God. I am confessing here. But my guilt is tormenting me and I can’t get away from her. I don’t want to come between the husband and wife anymore. I have done enough sin already. I just want to set things right. This is killing me slowly. All my restraint for 26 years of my life now seems to be for nothing. I have learned my lesson. Never again will I mess with the feelings of a woman. I can’t forgive myself nor know how to fix this.
    I fear if I abruptly end conversations, she will become suicidal or lose faith in humanity. I mean she has shared her thoughts and feelings with me more than she has had with her husband or mother. If I bail out on her, then she would be shattered. At the same time its killing me. I can’t move on! Help…please…please guide me…I’m sorry, sorry, sorry…

    #128469
    yongsua
    Participant

    IMHO, I would suggest that you need to take some time and listen to your own heart. I guess you are in dilemma now, but don’t rush to decide whether to move on without her or maintain your soulmate relationship (romance + friendship) with her, you will regret later if you take the wrong move.

    May I know that you are not into her because you honestly don’t feel any romantic interest on her as she does or because you feel guilty to break someone’s marriage? If it is because you honestly don’t feel any romantic interest on her then you should assert that you are not romantically into her. You should now try your best to stop further progressing your soulmate relationship with her, but not to end it with her. In other words, you can maintain your current soulmate relationship with her, meanwhile you should try to persuade her that both of you can’t further progress to bf/gf relationship. Of course, this needs some time as she may feel upset or depressed in this stage. It is also your responsibility to comfort her in this stage.

    However, if you are not into her because you feel guilty of breaking someone’s marriage, then you are lying or concealing not only to yourself, but also to her, to her family especially her husband and children, as well as God. You and her will eventually commit a true sin because both of you have been stealthily flirting with each other without the knowledge of her family members. If you really mean yourself from a conservative background, you should do something now. Either to take full responsibility to propose your love to her and get her out of current unhappy marriage, or END your current soulmate relationship with her now before it is too late. Things can really go badly such as committing suicide (as you mentioned that she is an emotional person and has history of abuse) or when her family find out that you have some affair going on with her. I might sound harsh on this, but I just want to let you know that you should take the correct move to handle this matter.

    Thanks and Regards.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by yongsua.
    #128475
    Enigma
    Participant

    Dear Jojo

    This lady may not be who she says she is. Very sick people prey on sympathetic such as yourself and have fun at their expense. If this lady is in the predicament you say she is, I would think it be best you urge her to seek help/advice from someone trusts.

    You seem to be a God-fearing man, steadfastly pray for her, as you have repented for your sins. Ask the Father for strength and guidance, He will not forsake you. Then finally forgive yourself. We are imperfect beings and as long as we continually seek the grace and likeness of our Father, through His Son, we are making the effort to lead the life that is pleasing to Him.

    God’s speed.

    #128479
    Jojo
    Participant

    I offered to be her friend. I’ve told her several times we can’t be bf-gf. She is a soul mate of sorts cos we have similar thoughts. I do like her and am affectionate to her. But I can’t be her spouse. Practically its not possible. And her husband is a wonderful man, at least from the outside he seems so. I just couldn’t be a part of this. But how can I end it? I’ve said things politely and directly. She feels betrayed. I can’t continue to talk to her in a normal manner and share much about me as I used to, cos I feel she will get more attached to me over the course of time. And as you said what if her husband finds out. I couldn’t and wouldn’t do that to that wonderful family. I want to be good. I want to be reformed. But if I tell her what we’ve done is wrong, she gets angry and says that “Yes, now you’ve suddenly become good and see me as a whore…after enjoying me, and having used me.” She says she doesn’t expect me to be her bf. And she just wants me to keep chatting and giving her moral support. I said ok I’ll do it as a friend and this friend term offends her. But at the same time, if I say anything about a girl or say even someone is beautiful, she starts to get jealous and angry. And how could I continue on to find my own girl in life, if I keep being nervous as to what she (the soul mater) thinks. I can’t be free and normal. I feel liked I’m tied down, despite her being thousands of miles away. Ever since I’ve expressed these feelings to her, she also starts to get suspicious of me if I forget to say her a good morning. She says I am trying to move on, ditching her, after using her.

    #128481
    Jojo
    Participant

    Praying is something I’ve been doing for quite some time now. I’ve been praying for her and her husband to get together stronger and better, loving each other. For her kids to be so happy seeing their parents in love. I want her to start trusting her husband and sharing with him everything that she shared with me. I want her to be healthy and emotionally strong. For her to overcome all her childhood traumas. For her dreams of travelling the world come true. For her to find love in her husband. For her to stop thinking about me. For her to not feel hurt by me. For her to forgive me. For God to forgive us both. This is all I could do now.

    #128487
    yongsua
    Participant

    Sorry, I accidentally pressed “Report” button on your post.

    #128489
    Jojo
    Participant

    No issues Yongsua.

    This is what that post reads
    “Praying is something I’ve been doing for quite some time now. I’ve been praying for her and her husband to get together stronger and better, loving each other. For her kids to be so happy seeing their parents in love. I want her to start trusting her husband and sharing with him everything that she shared with me. I want her to be healthy and emotionally strong. For her to overcome all her childhood traumas. For her dreams of travelling the world come true. For her to find love in her husband. For her to stop thinking about me. For her to not feel hurt by me. For her to forgive me. For God to forgive us both. This is all I could do now.”

    #128491
    Jojo
    Participant

    But I honestly don’t know any other way to tell her. If I be harsh (just to make her hate me) she would be really offended and hurt and might lose hope in people in general. For she trusted me and shared with me so much, things that she is hesitant to discuss with even her therapist.

    #128493
    yongsua
    Participant

    I have quoted and replied to your message but I have idea where has it gone. I will restate here that you are doing good. Just give her some time to concede to the truth as she might have quite deeply attached to you. Sometimes people need some time to let go off things that don’t belong to them but to which they have deeply attached, it is a process. It has happened to many people, including myself. Don’t worry, you may move on.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by yongsua.
    #128497
    Jojo
    Participant

    Just to cool things off, I told her I needed a break, as I have plenty of stuff to handle with mom’s sickness, financial instability, so on. She says that if I was seeing her as a friend, then real friends don’t take breaks or quit on each other during difficult times, but support each other. But due to my anxiety and stress and my constant work pressure and running about from one job to another, I hardly have time to message and I often forget what I am messaging and saying. Sometimes my work pressures put me in a sad or angry mood. If somebody approaches me at this time, I yell at them impulsively. In real life, most people can visually see that I’m stressed and therefore they refrain from asking me something when I’m down. But since she is only messaging on whatsapp, she can’t see my suffering or mood swings. If I tell her I’m in a bad mood or angry over some work issues, she says that I’m just finding excuses to ignore her. And she starts again with the “You used me and threw me” routine. This increases my blood pressure, guilt and anxiety. Then though I control myself immensely, I sometimes message something roughly (no bad words). She gets offended by this and she feels sad, which increases my anxiety even further. By talking to her, my anxiety does increase because of my guilt and my efforts to not say anything to hurt her. After such a difficult conversation with her, it takes me hours to cool down and most days I end up with a head ache or a racing heart. The next day if I apologize, she again says I treat her badly and like filth. She doesn’t allow me a break but also complains as to how i react due to my external pressures. I also sometimes go to facebook or some social site to spend a minute or two, when I wake up suddenly or when I’m really low, to distract myself. She notices that I’m online on these sites and says “You have time for all those, but you don’t have time for me? You are just trying to avoid or ignore me.” But I hardly spend a few minutes on social websites and I have the liberty to abruptly close those tabs when I want. But could I shut down a conversation or bail out abruptly? That would offend her as well. So just because I wake up for a moment in the middle of the night, could I message her and then abruptly sleep? Or perhaps take a moment from my work when I’m too stressed to browse the internet to relax myself. Could I just start a conversation with her in the middle of work and abruptly end it when I’m back in the mood for work? She won’t understand this and keeps saying I ignore her. I’m afraid to make posts on social websites. I’m afraid to go online. I feel so restricted and constrained.

    #128501
    Kline
    Participant

    Dear Jojo,
    I have sympathy and your feelings of guilt. Since you talk in Christian terms – guilt is a product of the devil. Guilt is evil. Or, I can simply say it is not a useful tool to help anyone and so should be removed from the toolbox of helpful things. Knowledge of what is right and wrong and compassion for yourself and others are useful tools and so use those to the fullest.
    Guilt is like a punishment; it like hitting a kid who lies, and telling him how bad he is. Knowledge is sitting with the kid, and explaining why he shouldn’t lie. A kind God wants us to learn and that is it. He does not want to punish. That is a myth that is leftover over from days where people make sacrifices to the gods to please them.
    I hope you can first of all have compassion for yourself, and understand that you were seeking connection like all human beings. You are also know that you have hurt her because she wants something more.
    But you are not responsible for her feelings. This is great lesson that is expressed over and over again on this website. It is really true. Think of cases where a parent abuses a child. That child, even with horrible things done to him, once he is an adult is still responsible for his actions.
    You are not responsible for her. She needs to take responsibility for herself. You should not feel bad about ending contact with her, just end it in as a loving way as possible. She will probably not be able to move on unless you end contact with her, based on how you describe her – maybe like in a year from now, you could just be friends. But if you do stay in touch now, I think you need to tell her your boundries and stick to them, one of them being – I will not respond to any accusation.
    Best

    #128509
    yongsua
    Participant

    Agreed with Kline, you should let go of guilt now. You have done a decent job for your part and now she has to do her own part as well. You may need to use “Custom” mode to restrict her and possibly mutual friends from reading your post on Facebook. You may need to turn your chat to “Offline” for her. Just leave her alone for some time. Have a peace of mind, dude.

    #128513
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jojo:

    Your have been a virtual friend and a virtual sex partner to this woman. Now you are her virtual prisoner.

    It started with a virtual communication for which you were only 50% responsible. She had the other 50%. Now, she gives you 100% responsibility, owning none herself.

    (What happens with her marriage is really, none of your business. She may be having an abusive marriage and it may be better for her to separate- I wouldn’t push her toward maintaining her marriage, if I was you).

    I highly recommend, if I may, that you cut all contact with her irreversibly and completely, today. This relationship is causing you much harm. Save yourself.

    What will happen to her if you cut all contact with her? Most likely, nothing at all. Clearly, she doesn’t care about your well being. She is no longer your friend. Her interest is that to imprison you with guilt as she has been doing for so long.

    You imagine she is the weak party, about to lose trust in humanity if you end contact with her, but it is you who are the weak one- you are behind lock and key while she is holding the key.

    All you have to do to free yourself from this prison you are in is at your fingertips. Do it!

    anita

    #128627
    Jojo
    Participant

    Yesterday morning received some bad news regarding a loved ones’ health condition and that loved one requiring a major surgery. This surgery required a lot of money, which I had to arrange and I was getting really anxious over the news. I communicated with a lot of friends seeking comfort. Many said comforting words, but didn’t do much to help. It was this online friend who at once searched for some charity organisations nearer to my city to help me financially and sent messages all through the night, trying to comfort me. It’s moments like these that makes it hard for me to quit on her. It’s so hard to find genuine loving people in life. I’m being torn by indecision. :(. I just wish she could forgot all the bad and just be a good friend to me and I can be comfortable talking with her. But if her husband finds out or my future wife asks us if we are genuinely only good friends, what kind of a reply would I have? Of course there is nothing sexual anymore, but if they asked us if we were always just friends and nothing more, I wouldn’t be able to answer…
    When I want to separate from her, its her goodness that comes to my mind and how I would miss such a wonderful person in life (again as a friend and not as a lover or gf or an affair.) When I want to continue talking to her, its her controlling, mistrusting and restricting side that comes to the forefront and it scares me and makes me uneasy. Not to mention my own guilt.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Jojo.
    #128649
    yongsua
    Participant

    IMHO, this is a problem of incompatibility. Sometimes no matter how memorable your relationship with another, you still have to let go because you both have met the wrong person in your life. Letting go a memorable friendship like this may be painful, but it is worth the pain for some time rather than to bear the pain of continuing your friendship with her. If you want to continue your friendship with her, it really needs some time to have some adjustment. This is not going to be easy. The decision is yours and I believe we have tried our best to give you the best advice. Thanks and Regards.

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