If she didn’t want anything to do with me anymore, she wouldn’t have asked me if I could wait for her, would she?

My mind is a mess rn. Although we were together since January, 2022 and just decided to take a break 2 weeks ago, I feel like this relationship is worth fighting for and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make her feel whole again regardless of the possibility that her future guy isn’t me. I have never actually fought for love before.

I don’t know why it hurts so bad.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your reply. She and I plan to study together in Australia next year. But I am not sure if I can be in Australia for some reason and she’s aware of the possibility. She told me that let’s give us a chance when we are already in Australia. Does that mean she wants to try this relationship again?

I remember her mom told her to find a nice, loving man as her father used to be harsh to her mom. My dad used to be abusive towards my mom, too. But I don’t see how that affects me (just in my case). Could her past (her father used to be harsh to her mom) affect her feelings at some point in the relationship?

Do you suggest any way to help my gf out?

Thank you Anita

Dear Tobi:

You are welcome.

“She and I plan to study together in Australia next year… She told me that let’s give us a chance when we are already in Australia. Does that mean she wants to try this relationship again?” – maybe, depends on whether she is a thoughtful, honest person, or not. If she is thoughtful and honest, then she wouldn’t say let’s-give-it-a-chance, etc., unless she meant it. But if she is not thoughtful, or honest, she may say something and not really mean it, or she’d say something and forget it later, because she didn’t put much thought into what she said.

Also, lots of people, when they break up relationships, they try to do it gently, or gradually, so that the other person doesn’t get devastated or angry, sometimes giving the other person false hope. The thought in doing so is something like this: a man who is completely rejected is an angry man who may hurt me or hassle me; a hopeful man= no anger, no hassle.

“I remember her mom told her to find a nice, loving man as her father used to be harsh to her mom” – but she had a relationship with a man who “physically and mentally abused…  hurt her”, and a woman who was also harsh (?) Maybe she is attracted to harsh men/women, hoping to change them into nice, loving people.

“My dad used to be abusive towards my mom, too. But I don’t see how that affects me (just in my case)” – you mean that it didn’t affect you by causing you to become abusive, right? No doubt though that it did affect you in some other significant way or ways.

“Could her past (her father used to be harsh to her mom) affect her feelings at some point in the relationship?” – of course, no doubt. One way it affected her was by causing her anxiety and stress, from which she still suffers. In what other ways it affected her, I don’t know. Like I suggested earlier in this post, maybe it caused her to be attracted to harsh men.

“Do you suggest any way to help my gf out?” – I am sorry, I don’t see a way… except for one: help yourself, become stronger and you will be better able to help people who can be helped.

anita

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your advice. Somehow I became so calm right now…..I hope I didn’t turn cold-hearted. I still care about her. Could someone change moods so quickly?

And yeah, she’s really thoughtful and honest. She likes helping people in need and sometimes, I think she puts their needs above her. I’ve seen it. I felt, tbh, a little sad but I never forced her to do anything against her will as I want to be equal and not become a control freak.

I remember telling her that if she somehow wants nothing to do with me (regardless of the cause), just tell me straight and I won’t bother her anymore.

She has never replied to that.

That was just my suggestion as I don’t wanna be anyone’s burden or cause of stress. And I definitely don’t wanna waste either my time or my girlfriend’s. But I notice I grew up a lot in this relationship since I deleted my Tinder account just to keep myself from ruining my chance with my gf by fooling around. Also, I realized that this relationship may be a wake-up call so that I won’t be messing around with people’s hearts.

My gf and my friends said I have that fuckboy vibe. Idk what makes them think so

Also, lots of people, when they break up relationships, try to do it gently, or gradually, so that the other person doesn’t get devastated or angry, sometimes giving the other person false hope. The thought in doing so is something like this: a man who is completely rejected is an angry man who may hurt me or hassle me; a hopeful man= no anger, no hassle.

I hope she doesn’t think of me that way (I would hurt her in anger). I have never tried to hurt any ex of mine as I believe that if we’re not meant to be, our love won’t last. I still actually talk about problems we have with my exes as friends.

I do notice that I am liable to be rational and focus on the details. So everything someone says to me will be carefully analyzed (including my GF’s talk to me)

“I remember her mom told her to find a nice, loving man as her father used to be harsh to her mom” – but she had a relationship with a man who “physically and mentally abused…  hurt her”, and a woman who was also harsh (?) Maybe she is attracted to harsh men/women, hoping to change them into nice, loving people

I hope I can help her or she can realize that being involved in violent/ abusive people isn’t good. The only thing I remember about my parents’ breakup is that I would defend my mom when my dad tried to abuse her, which includes times that I had to fight him for physically abusing my mom. However, I have never hurt a girl physically as I was taught that is a sign of cowardice.

Thank you for making me realize so much about my circumstance, Anita.

Thank you, Anita, for having everyone’s back.

It’s been so many years, yet you’re here to support us.

Could I come back again for your advice if somehow my feelings are out of control (of course regarding my relationship)?

I feel safer and calmer now knowing that there’ll be you and other members here to listen to not just my problem and give people in need advice.

Thank you & Best regards,

Dear Anita,

I am again thinking too much about my girlfriend’s well-being…I tried to do various things but it has been 2 weeks since she said that ‘we should take a break’.

What hurts me the most is that she said ‘I don’t know how long it will take me to be Ok again‘ and ‘You don’t have to wait for me. I don’t want you to be stuck here with me’.

However, what makes me happy is that she said ‘Let’s give us a chance when we’re in Australia.’

Allow me to express what I know and how I feel about her in detail. I spent almost 2 days writing everything down in my diary. I started writing a diary as I think this relationship is worth fighting for and I want to note down everything to be able to help her.

WHAT I KNOW ABOUT MY GF FROM WHAT SHE TOLD ME: 

HER CHILDHOOD:

• Her dad was very strict about her studying. He wanted her to study in the best school so he tried a lot to support her. She had to push herself a lot to satisfy her parents. One time, she failed and her dad was very upset with her.
• Even when she’s now a grown person, she and her dad still argue sometimes and she cries

HER ADULTHOOD:

• She once suffered from depression and overcame it (IDK if she did it with the help of a specialist).
• HER FIRST LOVE: she was in love with that guy very much. He was a good guy and I have respect for him. But perhaps, he didn’t really understand when she needed time to acquire her personal goals. They ended up breaking up as he thought she grew cold. (this part I only describe as much as I remember- I avoided bringing up her past because I was worried she would be stressed/sad again.)

• HER SECOND LOVE (TOXIC): He physically abused her when they argued. That gives me heartache whenever it appears in my mind. She and this toxic boyfriend invested. He urged her to ask her parents to wire him money against her will. They had an argument and he hurt her physically. He lost her money and did never return her. Now she had to make up for that financial loss with her own savings. This amount of money was originally saved for her CFA test.

• HER THIRD RELATIONSHIP (TOXIC):

 this toxic girlfriend trapped her & played with my GF’s heart. She was also mentally abusive as she would make my GF sad. She was also very dictating when she forced my GF to do her job for her even though my GF was in a relationship with me and my GF was really busy. I told my GF to refuse to help her because it’s not my GF’s job to please that horrible person (I didn’t force her but I calmly explained to my GF why she should not communicate with this toxic person anymore).

My girlfriend had a trip to a province in Vietnam and it happens to be the toxic person’s hometown. That toxic person asked my GF to come to stay at her house but then soon after, would leave my GF all alone while she was out having fun. She even yelled at my GF for spoiling a bedsheet. My GF was on her period at that time and it came suddenly so she was not well prepared. I talked to her on the phone and asked her to come home to me. I picked her up at the bus station.

Recently, after the farewell party with this toxic ex-girlfriend (they used to be co-workers), my girlfriend suddenly experienced all the bad memories from this 3rd relationship coming back to her mind.

• HER FOURTH RELATIONSHIP (ME): 

We met on Tinder. At the time she still seemed to be in her 3rd toxic relationship. One time, as we were talking, she told me she was drunk at a bar and I told her to come home safely. I thought she was just another person that I was gonna have a short chat with on Tinder. I was worried for her safety (I didn’t know why).

After picking her up from the bus station, I started to spend time comforting her and making her smile. When I noticed that I was head over heels for this girl, I asked her to be my girlfriend. She asked me if I could wait for her to heal as she just walked out of one toxic relationship (the 3rd one). I said YES, I COULD. I was falling for her so much that I would not do anything reckless to scare her away.

Then soon after, on one date night, I somehow felt a strong love for her and asked her to be my GF again. This time, fortunately, she said YES. I was very happy and we had a great period of time together. I would do anything to make her feel like a queen, make it up for her losses in the past toxic relationships. She was my priority. I once canceled a meeting with my Korean partner just to take her to see the doctor. My GF suffers from essential tremor. She has had this since childhood but it got worse over time (I strongly believe that the stress causes this medical condition to get worse over the years).

We were a happy couple until the following incidents occurred:

1. Her dad’s company dissolved and he was the only bread owner in her family. He’s now retired. She works, too. However, her dad made the most money. Her family’s financial situation is good at the time this happened as every basic need was provided without difficulties. I never asked her about this coz I think it was something rather personal.
2. Her second toxic ex refused to return the money that he lost because of his bad investment decision. My GF then had to compensate with her savings (as I mentioned above)
3. That farewell with her third toxic ex brought back all the bad memories (she later shared that with me in our last talk)
4. Stress from the CFA study: she loves studying. She’s willing to do whatever it takes to pass the CFA exam as she has been investing a lot of time, energy & money into this. I researched a little about this CFA level 2 test, everyone thinks that this is one tough exam. When I told her that failing is okay and to keep her own health in good condition, she said she would choose this CFA test over anything.
5. Stress from work: too much workload with such little time made my GF under a lot of pressure. I told her to work but rest, too. She, again, cannot refuse the job given even though her boss is ridiculously dictating and highly demanding.

I think all these incidents contributed largely to her personal emotional change. I cannot blame her for being ambitious and a workaholic. Maybe that’s how she grew up thinking that failing or letting go is not an option.

I now realize that her starting a new relationship after she had just walked out of a toxic one was not good. I should have been more patient and now is the time I learn how to be patient and fight for what I believe is love.

I fear that when she’s okay again, I won’t be the person by her side to share that happiness with her. Despite that, I hope she will be okay soon. I know I have done my best to be her good BF.

I was once like her but I was never in any toxic relationships. My exes were great. We just had different life goals and problems back then & I didn’t fight for our relationships…..So personally, this may be my karma in case we won’t be together in the future.

WHAT I THINK ABOUT MY GF: 

• Generous & kind-hearted (she loves doing charity)
• She loves to learn and is willing to spend hours on learning
• She is a family person. She’s worried about everyone’s well-being.
• She was caring towards me (the best GF I have ever had)

I gave up Tinder just because no one compares to my GF. I am reading a lot of articles on how to get over toxic relationships and how to make you feel you’re worth a beautiful relationship. I haven’t contacted her or bought her food/drinks for days even though I miss her a lot. I don’t wanna disturb her…..But this is hurtful. I have tried a lot of activities to distract myself but still I miss her.

Am I doing it right as a good BF?

WHAT I THINK ABOUT MY GF: 

• Generous & kind-hearted (she loves doing charity)
• She loves to learn and is willing to spend hours on learning
• She is a family person. She’s worried about everyone’s well-being.
• She was caring towards me (the best GF I have ever had)

I gave up Tinder just because no one compares to my GF. I am reading a lot of articles on how to get over toxic relationships and how to make you feel you’re worth a beautiful relationship. I haven’t contacted her or bought her food/drinks for days even though I miss her a lot. I don’t wanna disturb her…..But this is hurtful. I have tried a lot of activities to distract myself but still I miss her.

Am I doing it right as a good BF?

Dear Anita,

Thank you for talking to me about this matter. I don’t know who to share this with. I was lucky to find this forum and topic.

I should have been more specific about some characteristics of living in Vietnam and I definitely should have added the time frame.

1. Her dad actually didn’t wire her second BF money that should have been meant for her CFA test. The money was meant for her investment only, not CFA. Her mom who is kind and soft gave her the money (the money was not for CFA for starters).  My GF was for sure in love with this second toxic ex. The reason he physically abused her was due to this amount of money. She, at first, refused to invest as it was quite risky. Her ex then argued and laid his hands on her. When she told me about this second toxic relationship, she only mentioned her mom. This relationship took place last year, 2021. And her family’s financial situation was in good condition as her dad was still the director of his company.
2. Later, when her dad retired, she realized that her family’s financial situation is not gonna be as good as it was. So she decided to return the money to her mom. She and her mom talked about this money. She never mentioned her dad so I suppose her dad has no clue about this from the beginning. She only started to talk against her dad later on when she was a teenager. Sometimes, her dad can be really unreasonable.
3. Originally, she was not a city dweller like I am. Her family came from a small town in Vietnam. And to go to schools that are located in the city, one needed to be a city dweller. I know it was a stupid rule. So her dad had to ask for a person’s favor to be a city dweller even though she would travel a long way from her town to school in the city. He wanted her to thrive in the academic environment
4. My GF is the type of shy person and she sometimes doesn’t fight back for her own benefit. Since she was once dominated by her toxic exes, she tended to do things for them against her will. The work colleague that forced her was her 3rd ex. They worked in the same company and she went to that colleague’s farewell party.
5. I refer to us as BF & GF because I believe deep down, she’s going through a lot and she doesn’t want to drag me down with her. She would take care of me when I had an accident. She came to my house and took care of me. She always cared about me….I know love is blind. A lot of my friends told me to give up but I’d rather learn a bitter lesson than take an easy way out. 🙁
6. I have read articles on why someone tends to push their loved ones away and my GF’s condition is among those why-s
7. No matter how things end, I’ll never be mad at her. I used to rush into rebound relationships only to realize that I still loved my ex. I think I’m going through what I did to my past exes who deserved happiness. I need to know what it feels like to be hurt this way.

Thank You, Anita