Dear Ken:

You don’t have to let go of him: if the two of you are willing, then together, as a team of two- with the beginning help of a couple therapist- a relationship can work for your benefit and for his benefit. I will be away from the computer for a few hours. You are welcome to post again anytime, and I’ll get back to you later.

anita

Dear Anita,

Thank you so much. You are breath of fresh air and your wisdom has helped me understand my feelings and thoughts better. I am planning on giving us another chance because I love him so much but I am going to warn him that as of right now I’m going through some growth and I want to make sure that he’s prepared to come on the ride with me. He himself understands that I’m going through a hard time, but what is a relationship without some bumps in the road right? I still have so much growing to do but I’ve came to understand that I can grow with him. Again thank you so much Anita, lets hope that if I ever come back here it’s not because of the same thing. Be safe Anita, you’re an amazing person.

Dear Anita,

You seem to be really helpful and I would love to hear your opinion. In February I went to a basketball game and my ex was there and he ended up speaking to me. I have not spoken to him for almost two years. That relationship ended bad. After that, my mind went into a spiral about my current relationship. Thoughts like do I love him? It made me feel so wrong and guilty. I cried and cried because I didn’t understand. It made no sense to me at all. me and my current relationship have been together for a year and four months. He is my longest relationship and this relationship means the world to me. I am very comfortable around him. I act my true self around him and we always talk about our problems. This relationship is very different from my past ones. Although, me and my current relationship did go through a rough patch. When I was away at college I had found out he was sexting a fake account. When i first found out i believe i was in shock so i didn’t really feel anything towards him. He picked me up the day after it happened and i can remember him asking me if i was going to say anything. we eventually got back to his house and talked and he balled his eyes out but i didn’t care because i felt like that’s what he deserved. While i was in college i had very bad separation issues from being away from him. I felt homesick being away from him. That was around October. Once the shock wore off I began to really overthink about it. meanwhile I’ve always been an overthinker. I’m now back at home switching to a community college. I have been around my boyfriend a lot more. Fast forward to now I feel like in not feeling those ” in love” feelings and it’s really taking a toll on me i feel so wrong for it but I’m trying to accept that it’s normal two not always feel them. I’ve been like this for two months now. Pretty much crying every day because I don’t understand why I’m not experiencing those feelings even though I know I love my partner and never wanna lose him. I do feel like a part of me is blocked off. I’m not sure if I fell out of the honeymoon phase or if I’ve just been through so much that I had a break.

Dear hope:

I will retell your story in a chronological order, placing what happened first before what happens second, etc., best I can, approximating dates:

March 2020: last time you spoke to your ex, following a bad breakup (“That relationship ended bad“).

January 2021: you met your current boyfriend and started a relationship.

October 2021: you were away from your boyfriend in college and had “very bad separation issues from being away from him… felt homesick being away from him“, and you found out that he was sexting with another woman or women. First, you were “in shock“, saying nothing, but eventually, in his house, the two of you talked a lot, he cried a lot, you were angry and later:  “I began to really overthink about it. meanwhile I’ve always been an overthinker“.

November 2021- February 2022: you moved back home, switching to community college, spending a lot more time with your boyfriend. You wrote this about your current, 1 year and 4 months relationship:  “He is my longest relationship, and this relationship means the world to me. I am very comfortable around him. I act my true self around him, and we always talk about our problems“.

February 2022: you went to a basketball game, saw your ex and talked with him for the first time in almost two years.

February 2022-now (2 months): “My mind went into a spiral about my current relationship. Thoughts like do I love him? It made me feel so wrong and guilty… not feeling those ‘in love’ feelings and it’s really taking a toll on me, I feel so wrong for it but I’m trying to accept that it’s normal to not always feel them… Pretty much crying every day because I don’t understand why I’m not experiencing those feelings even though I know I love my partner and never wanna lose him“.

My thoughts as to why you no longer feel in-love with your boyfriend: feeling in-love is about feeling hope and imagining/ fantasizing about good things happening (the classic “and they lived happily ever after”, comes to mind). It takes a level of calm to feel hopeful and to imagine good things. When a person gets too fearful, too anxious, and/ or too angry, a person is no longer calm enough to hope and imagine good things, therefore, it is impossible to feel in-love.

In other words, the mental/ emotional state of being in-love does not go together with heightened anxiety and anger.

As to my understanding of what happened: you’ve been anxious for the longest time and that’s why you’ve been an overthinker for the longest time (for so long that it feels like always: “I’ve always been an overthinker“, since you were a child, I am guessing). Anxiety and Overthinking go together. In some real-life circumstances your anxiety goes up (ex., being in college away from your boyfriend), at other circumstances, your anxiety goes down (ex., being back home, close to your boyfriend).

But it is not only real-life circumstances that affect the extent of your anxiety; thoughts also affect anxiety. Every time you think about your boyfriend sexting while you were away in college, your anxiety (and sometimes anger) goes up.

When you met your ex in February, your anxiety went up probably because feelings associated with that relationship and bad breakup surfaced, triggering your anger in regard to your boyfriend past sexting, and your fear of losing him.

Because when Fear is Up=> Overthinking is Up, you started thinking a lot: “Thoughts like do I love him?”, “why I’m not experiencing these feelings“? I am “so wrong and guilty… so wrong for it“, and I “never wanna lose him“. All these thoughts increase your anxiety, and increased anxiety makes feeling in-love impossible.

Clearly, there is nothing wrong about any thought or feeling a person has, because our thoughts and feelings just happen, we don’t choose them; it is only our chosen actions that point to guilt or innocence. But you feel guilty for not feeling in-love, as if you chose to lose that feeling. Thing is, you didn’t choose to lose the in-love feelings any more than you chose to feel homesick for him back in October.

Notice that you wrote I feel so wrong and guilty, and I changed it to you thinking I am so wrong and guilty: there is a belief in you that you are wrong and guilty, and that’s why you feel wrong and guilty. A belief is something you think that has a strong emotion attached to it; it is a combination of thought and emotion. I am guessing that this belief started early for you, when you were a child, something was wrong at home, and you felt that it was your fault?

I am asking because this kind of core-belief keeps generating anxiety, like wood that keeps fueling a fire. Of course, this very question that I asked you is likely to increase your anxiety, therefore it is important that you answer it- if you choose to answer it- when you are as calm as you can be.

anita

Dear hope:

Once again, it’s night time where I am at, and I will need to get back to you in the morning (in about 10 hours from now). If you want to, before I return to you, feel free to tell me more about your pretty good childhood, about how it was being with your mom at home (where you and your mother close?), about our aunt’s stay, your middle school relationship and his mother…  The more you share, the better chance I have to understand you and what currently concerns you most.

anita

Dear Anita,

Honestly no I’ve never had those thoughts towards my parents. I’ve never thought about that until now

Dear hope:

I want to explain to you why I asked about your childhood: over the almost 7 years of my participation in these forums, I’ve seen again and again how childhood conflicts and struggles get re-experienced in adulthood. The ways a child suffers in the context of the relationship with a parent (or parents) are very similar to the ways the adult suffers in the context of an adult relationship with a partner. There is a sexual and a romantic element added to the latter, but the conflicts, the struggles and the suffering are similar.

For example, and I am simplifying it here: a child who was very neglected by a parent is likely to feel, as an adult, neglected by a partner (who is adequately attentive!); a child abused by a parent and as a result, angry at the abusive parent, is likely to feel, as an adult, abused by and angry at a non-abusive partner.

When I suggest the reality of this common dynamic to members, most don’t want to talk about their childhood, they only want to talk about their romantic relationships. Problem is that without insight into one’s childhood where a certain, very personal suffering originated, it is not possible to resolve the suffering in the adult romantic relationship. The way an adult ends the suffering in a romantic relationship is often by ending the relationship. But then, following a temporary relief, the suffering resumes.

There is something else to consider: in one person’s adult life, one romantic relationship is not identical to the second, third etc., because a different partner is involved in each relationship, but sooner or later, the person re-experiences a similar or even the same kind of suffering in each relationship, including with partners that are decent. Romantic relationships are often wonderful and magical for a while… but sooner or later (it’s only a matter of time), the old, unresolved childhood suffering gets reactivated and re-experienced, and the relationship suffers, often ending.

anita

Also, my girlfriend is now focusing on her work and her studying now (she’s a data analyzer at a financial company & she’s now taking a CFA course). My gf really loves studying and she tends to be very serious about it. She can spend hours on studying and now she’s worried about the upcoming test in August. I suppose these (work and studying) also contribute to her stress.

She once told me she had depression but she overcame it (I don’t know if she managed to do that on her own or with the help of a specialist (therapist or psychologist). My gf also suffers from ‘essential tremor’. I took her to see a doctor and he explained that stress contributes largely to the severeness of the symptom even though the cause cannot be precisely identified.

Could this (stress/ depression) come back after a period of time or when something that reminds you of your undesirable past pops up? In my girlfriend’s case, she said seeing her toxic ex reminded her of the horrible experiences and made her lose interest in having a relationship. And could this play a part in my girlfriend’s circumstance?

Thank you for your support,