1. I think I am still startled by the entire idea that I am not meant to “feel” love, rather that I just should know it. During this month of anxiety, I really fueled the thought of not loving him.

2. He said he would never leave me, and really we did not say anything new about the situation, just seeing him made me feel better.

Where should I go from here? I am still a little lost I think.

Thank you so much for everything already, it has really cleared the air!!

Dear Vivian:

“I am still startled by the idea.. I would not say the anxiety is gone- at all”: you gained a new understanding: that it is unrealistic to expect to always feel love, but your fear didn’t catch up to this new understanding- you are still afraid.

It is similar to a situation like this: let’s say  you are afraid of snakes, believing all of them are poisonous. A friend has a small snake in a cage in her home. You see the snake and you are startled, scared. She then explains to you and shows you proof that this particular snake is not poisonous. You then gain a new understanding: that not all snakes are poisonous and that this particular snake is not poisonous. You then forget about the snake for a while, and when you see the snake again, you get startled again: your fear didn’t catch up to your new understanding.

“Where should I go from here?”- you are likely to keep going to your boyfriend again and again because you have the experience of feeling better around him (“just seeing him made me feel better”). If it doesn’t  bother him, if he is pleased to see you as often as you need to see him, good thing. If it becomes a problem for him, you will need to reach out to him as the temporary fix for your fear less often.

As a longer term solution (which you stated earlier that you are interested in), try this for now: when you are relaxed, after a hot shower perhaps, sitting or lying down comfortably, uninterrupted, breathing naturally and calmly,  repeat to yourself that it is okay that you don’t feel love for him all the time, find your own words that state your new understanding and  let them sink in and melt that fear.

Other than that, for now, I recommend The Mountain Meditation, which is a guided meditation available online. It is about you imagining that you are a mountain, still, solid, unmoved  by the changing weather (similar to changing feelings). You  being the mountain is like you knowing that you love your current boyfriend and the changing weather is you sometimes feeling love (the sun shining) and sometimes not feeling  love (the sun is behind clouds, it is clouded and grey).

anita

Dear Vivian:

“I am so confused… I am so scared.. just do not understand”- you are too anxious to be able to think clearly and to understand. Your anxiety level is keeping you confused. I don’t think that you are able to process the thoughts that I  offered you on this thread

I suggest that you tell your boyfriend that you need to take a month time out from the relationship so to lower your anxiety level, have no contact with him during that month, and do all you can to lower your anxiety: have a daily exercise routine, add items to your daily routine, such as guided meditations and mindfulness exercises.

anita

This happened so suddenly, I just don’t understand.

Dear Vivian:

My new thoughts this morning: you wrote yesterday: “we spent way too much time together, our entire daily routines felt almost based on the other, we did not have independent lives. Maybe it became too much.. so scared of something this deep and intimate”.

Earlier you shared about a different type of relationships, such that you had early on in your life: “They were just never there for me.. They supported me in my schoolwork a lot but never in a personal way.. my dad is quite quiet and never really tried to get involved in my personal life, my mom.. started a new job that totally consumed her, I barely saw her”.

See the difference? Your parents “were just never there for me.. in a personal way”, but your boyfriend was the opposite, always or “too much” there for you in a personal way.

So you got overwhelmed, not being used to such closeness, “something this deep and intimate”. This explains your fearful  reaction, doesn’t it?

anita

Dear Vivian:

I read your most recent post and I can see that you and I have been stuck in our communication for a while- it doesn’t matter what I write to you, it makes no difference at all in your thinking: you keep repeating the same-old-same-old.

I shared with you all my thoughts regarding your situation, I have nothing new to add. If you re-read our communication and find something that you want to look into deeper, or if you otherwise get un-stuck from the same-old-same-old limited, obsessive thinking, let me know.

(There are medications that help relieve OCD symptoms, such as your obsessive thinking, if you are stuck in it for too long and nothing else seems to help).

anita

Dear Vivian:

I am familiar with ROCD, it stands for Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It is an ocd that focuses on romantic relationships. Anxiety fuels ocd. I am very familiar with the topic, having been diagnosed with it, and having suffered from it (obsessions and compulsions) beginning at about six years old.

Fortunately, it is possible to get better and better and heal a whole lot from ocd, happened in my case. OCD is a very strong mental habit of repeating. Repetition is the compulsion, and the need to repeat feels irresistible.

Since you’ve realized that you suffer from rocd in the last couple of months, did you consider seeking medical help for it?

anita