Hi Anita, thanks for responding!

Yes, I definitely believe that this is one for the long run, that is all I want. I totally understand looking for a long term solution vs short term. The thing is, I have no idea what sort of “revelation” I am meant to have to get closure and acceptance w myself, to finally move on and be happy with him. I am also scared that the anxiety will naturally drive me away, that it will get the best of me.

thanks 🙂

Thanks Anita,

No I am not scared of anything on his part, he is wonderful and very patient w me and the whole situation, I know he loves me. I am scared of the fact that I don’t feel what I felt during the “honeymoon phase”, I have a hard time accepting it is over even though I know it is totally normal. I fear I will lose feelings, but I know I love him, deep down, I want no one else. I just can’t get the anxiety to go away. Tell me if this was not helpful, I am not sure I totally understood.

thanks 🙂

A fear that I do not feel love anymore (the way that I used to), I still do have some moments, that last just a few seconds where I realize I am so grateful to have him and that I love him. Therefore, I guess I am scared that I will never be comforted by those butterflies that I used to feel all the time, they reminded me that I love him. Now they are gone for the most part, which then leads me to think that I do not love him (which I really do not believe to be true). I am scared of not loving him and of losing him.

Yes, we spoke and he says that he will accept me and love me for whatever way I choose to act with him. Thank you, that helped. But why do I still have the anxiety, what constantly seems to be happening is that I get the feeling and then I seem to correct myself in my head like “stop this you know you love him”. I really do not want to lose this relationship.  This happened to me in my previous relationship too, it is definitely something internal. I just want to be peaceful w him.

thanks

Dear Vivian:

Aim at being logical. Examine your thoughts: are they logical? If not, correct your thoughts: this is the principle behind Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

If your boyfriend is okay with you not feeling butterflies for you, is it logical for you to be afraid that he will leave you because you don’t feel those butterflies for him?

Also, is it logical to expect to feel butterflies consistently and long term, or are butterflies in their very nature time-limited?

Logical thinking that is congruent with reality will calm your anxiety. When you feel anxious, write down a couple of the thoughts that go through your mind and look for the logic in them. Correct if illogical, re-read the corrected thought, take it in and let your logical thoughts calm your anxiety.

“it is definitely something internal… Maybe that is normal, the anxiety needs time to leave”- the anxiety needs time and work before it leaves, and it doesn’t leave quickly, but gradually over a long time.

I agree: your anxiety is internal. It is not about your current boyfriend or the one before him. Your anxiety is most likely about what you wrote here: “I am not close to my parents”. In the beginning of your life you felt very, very close to your parents, at least to one of your parents, the one who held you and fed you and comforted you when you cried.

At some point you lost that emotional closeness with the parent who took care of you most. What happened?

anita

Dear Vivian:

You are welcome.

When you were 10 and your mother “started a new job that totally consumed her”, and you “barely saw her”, and when you did see her, she “was always in a bad mood and the slightest thing would make her mad”, what this means is that you lost her: you lost a calm, gentle, loving mother.

Fast forward, you have a calm, gently,  loving boyfriend, and you are afraid to lose him.

Get back to me whenever you want to.

anita

I am just so mad at myself, I have the most perfect relationship with the best guy and we never fight, yet I still found a way to mess things up. I am scared we will not be able to go back to normal.

About him being perfect, of course I know he is not perfect, because no one is at the end of the day. When I say he saved me, I mean that I was going through a tough time and he was one of the few positive things I had, that’s why I used the word “save”. I do understand that the beginning is infatuation. That’s what I was — infatuated. I guess I thought it would always be like that but the reality that I am now discovering is that love is not constant butterflies or infatuation, it is a deep connection one chooses to have with the other. I guess when the madness stopped, I got scared because I thought that (like what we see in movies, shows, hear in music) love is always passion and almost being crazy for someone all the time. So when what I thought was love (butterflies, infatuation) faded, I got very scared. Even though the infatuation has faded,  I still know he is an amazing person. I want to be with him even though my mind tries to stear me away from that every time something gets comfortable. I know I love him deep down, the anxiety is just blocking me from enjoying my relationship with him. Now, I need to get rid of the anxiety, to live something peaceful with him. The anxiety is still here, it was quite bad today but I called him and felt better. I do not want to let my fears or automatic thinking patterns take away something so special.