Dear Anita,

Thank you for replying! <3

To be honest, at first, I never knew that the “in love” feelings can disappear. I thought that it will always be there and that is what love is. But now, I am struggling since I do not have the feelings anymore but I still have the desire to love.

Something seems to be blocking me from loving – it does not feel right. It is so odd because as what Jaz described, I have no reasons as to WHY I am feeling like this.. the day before I felt like this, I was undeniably happy. And so I read books in the library and searched online about love, being a choice not a feeling. I still choose to love but I guess I am still not used to loving without feelings, that is why I always feel guilt and confusion.

The thoughts that accompany these negative feelings is that, “If the love is still there, why has it become so hard?”, “Why is this happening to me? to us? I want to be happy with him”, “There must be a girl out there who can love him better than me”, “he deserves more”, “If this is true love, it must be easy”, “I do not want to make the biggest mistake in my life which is letting go of someone I really love”. The thoughts go on and on… I often get angry with my self for being this way.

I am so confused because this happened so sudden and real quick. I am scared.

(I’ve read Jaz’s post on November 2, then after reading the comments, I found strength. I felt old self coming back until after 5days. The confusion came back.)

Dear Anita,

I am not so close with my parents. As I was growing up, the flaws in their marriage became visible to me. My dad had an affair with another woman (which I believe he still have). My mom has always been reminding me to find a proper, honest, and loyal man in the future. She always say I should bear in mind that a man like my father is not worth it.

I and my siblings grew up seeing them fight. And up until now, I wonder if there is still love between them, because we cannot see it.

Dear Micky:

You wrote: “Something seems to be blocking me from loving”. I believe that something is your experience with your parents’ marriage while growing up. His affair, their fights… you were right there during your most sensitive years, formative years.

You wrote: “I also fear that one day I’ll realize and simply accept that the stars were not aligned for us”- you are afraid that your future marriage will be like your parents’.

“whenever I think of this, the feeling of pain and confusion strikes back, even stronger, as if pushing me to make a decision to leave”- this is the same pain and confusion you felt growing up, witnessing the fights, the lack of love. Maybe you felt strong empathy to your mother, hurting because you observed her hurting. Maybe you felt anger at your father for having the affair.

A child should not be a witness to such relationship troubles, to affairs and to fighting. It damages.

You wrote: “My mom has always been reminding me to find a proper, honest, and loyal man in the future. She always say I should bear in mind that a man like my father is not worth it.”

Her teaching, that you find a “proper, honest, and loyal  man” was in the context of your father’s ongoing affair, their lack of love and lots of fighting. This means that her teaching was really that you reject an improper, dishonest, disloyal man”, focus being on the italicized.

This is your focus now, those italicized adjectives. This is how your heart is seeing your boyfriend, as improper, dishonest and disloyal. Your brain, or your intellectual thinking, tells you otherwise, but your heart is saying those things and that has blocked your loving feelings for him.

anita

Dear Anita,

I am pondering on my past experience with my parents and I am not yet sure if this is the reason why I am feeling like this. Is it okay to not be sure, for the mean time? Or does it say that maybe it’s not the reason?

hi, (sorry its long, tldr at the end)

I decided to sign up for these forums because I’ve been struggling with the same thing for about a month.

my boyfriend and I are both 18, met at the end of high school and talked all summer. I was completely infatuated with him, mostly because I thought he was so cute and I could see myself being with him because we got along so well. the only problem was, he was going to school in North Carolina AND his family moved there. I go to school in Maryland. We were exclusive over the summer but never talked about what we were doing for college, and seeing him go earlier than me hanging out with all his new friends especially girls made me want him more, miss him more, and become more anxious and I had constant obsessive thoughts.

Eventually we started talking more, and like actually talking and connecting. We always knew that we had a ton of chemistry and we really just got each other. He actually asked me to be his girlfriend so we were basically dating. At this point in the semester, I wasn’t as unhappy as I am now (i’ll get to that) but talking to him made me so happy. Eventually I was able to visit him, and he visited me too. We said our “i love yous” in person because we knew we couldn’t over text.

The first time that he visited me was great too, I cried when he was leaving because I didn’t know when the next time I was going to see him would be. Then, around midterms, he told me that he was able to visit over Halloween. it was then that I got the thought “what if I dont love him anymore” after this inital thought, everything spiraled. I couldnt stop thinking about it, so much I had constant heart pounding in my chest and panic attacks through the night (non stop). I saw a therapist at school first thing that morning. I eventually felt so horrible I had to take a last minute train home tuesday night. I told him about my feelings, and I asked for a break, but absolutely nothing felt right about it. going home, we called, facetimed, and after that weekend, everything felt better, and we were back to normal. i still thought about “what if I see him on halloween and not feel the same” but that didnt happen, it was a great weekend.

after that, everything felt better, but my hatred for college and being away from home got worse. the weekend after halloween I decided to go home just for the weekend because I couldn’t stay at school. all of my friends go out, but i would rather stay inside and do nothing. I started getting these thoughts again last tuesday after realizing i had a 10 page essay due. these feelings got so bad that I wanted another break. that night, thursday night, after seeing another counselor, when everyone was going out, my anxiety got worse. I hadn’t eaten all week so I tried eating and throwing up twice because of how bad I felt. i felt so depressed and anxious i cant even describe it. nothing felt right. i went home for the weekend, but my depression and anxiety only felt worse. i felt completely numb and emotionless, and i couldn’t enjoy anything anymore (music, netflix, etc) my boyfriend and i talked more but i would just cry every time because i felt so horrible, i didnt want to break up with him. i cant explain how empty i felt thinking that my brain knew more than me, as in what if i didnt love him despite the fact i knew he was and still is the only person i want to be with and ever imagine myself being with.

(conclusion, im sorry) not being able to see him for a while makes me doubt things, which makes me so distressed because i don’t want that to happen. i know that when i see him, everything will be okay, but i just wish it wasnt at my school. i feel trapped and depressed here, and i miss the days of when i would feel completely infatuated with him. this is my first relationship, first love, plus ive always been used to only having crushes, nothing more. so that feeling of infatuation was fun, but i never got past that, so this is confusing me. i’m on my brothers adderall that now to focus more on school. my mom gave me my aunt’s xanax to calm my anxiety, but i think i also need antidepressants. i just feel completely flatlined, like i can’t feel anything when i know that i want to love him. another thing that scares me is that im not jealous of him hanging out with girls in a group anymore, because i know he loves me so much and would never break up with me, when before in the beginning those were my obsessive thoughts (if he really liked me) and that was due to my anxiety. all of these thoughts are made up of “what ifs” and i feel like im convincing myself now because its just circling around my head, and i cant get them out. i would go further into detail about my depression but thats too much. im just scared that ill never be happy again, and like you, OP, that if i do get better, i will have the same feelings. he understands completely, i tell him everything, and being honest with all of my thoughts brings me closer to him and it brings me reassurance. i feel guilty because hes the best guy ever, i mean really so in love with me and i’m not used that. he treats me so amazingly and i dont want to lose that. we’re eachothers rocks and support systems, and even though im having these feelings i still care about him so much.

tldr; amazing summer of infatuation with a guy from high school, now in LDR, anxiety and depression over if i love him because i want to love him and we have such great chemistry still. i feel disconnected from him now that im having these thoughts because i dont want to have them and i want to do is see him. i dont want to lose him and i cant imagine my life without him. first relationship, especially over distance, makes it a lot worse. please help!

Dear  Micky:

I  suggest quality psychotherapy/ counseling, so to look at and process your childhood experience with your parents’ marriage, with your mother’s input about relationships. Process how that  experience (an ongoing experience since that dysfunctional marriage still exists), how it felt  then.

Doing so will make it possible for you to separate your present  experience  in your relationship from your past experience with your parents’ relationship. Peeling off the past from the present will make it possible for you to gain clarity and relief from anxiety.

anita

*Dear Olivia: if you start your own thread, copy your above post and  paste  it into your own thread, I  will be  glad  to reply to it there.

Yeah sure I’m glad I have someone to relate to. What’s your email so I can keep in touch?

You are welcome, Micky. Post again anytime.

anita