Dear Anita,

I wish she had had a decent talk with me. I mean I need closure.

I know she has problems. So do I.

But putting more stress on your partner is just wrong. During our relationship, she said ‘love’ so many times. She even wrote me a letter on Valentines day saying that I was the best thing ever happened to her.

I don’t know what went wrong.

I talked to a friend who was in toxic relationships, she told me that it is possible that this girl is used to the toxicity. Now being in an actual serious relationship makes her feel uncomfortable and anxious so she chose to leave.

Could that be the case?

I am somehow having a horrible emotional cocktail in my heart and I don’t know how to escape. I wanna cry but I can’t force myself to shed tears.

I was not a perfect boyfriend but I definitely gave her all of me. That’s why it hurts.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your help

Looking forward to hearing from you soon

Dear Anita,

I haven’t reached out for professional help yet. I realized that the problem lies within me, I was too emotional invested. However, I don’t and won’t ever regret giving her all of me.

I am sure that our relationship will certainly end up breaking. I’m not sad about that. I’m still worried about her well-being.

Last night, I came to see her to tell her how I felt. Instead, I met her mom. That girl was too tired to see me (according to her mom)

Her mom told me that her daughter has been stressed lately. She always says how tiring her job and her studying are.

She always seems exhausted (according to her mom). Her mom told me she once saw her daughter crying in her bedroom.

Her mom told me a lot but it seems that her daughter didn’t tell her everything she had told me. Now I know why I love her so much. She always chooses her family over anything any day. Her love is just beautiful.

When we were still together, she told me how stressed she was to the degree that she started to cry whenever she worked.

She definitely saw my messages but she ghosted me. I don’t feel rejected as much as I used to anymore. I foresee the future breakup.

It’s strange that I only imagine how happy I am to see her happy when we meet again. (I plan to see her one last time after she has taken the CFA test in August.)

I am getting myself ready for the breakup. I won’t be very sad but I will be much happier to see her doing well when that time comes.

I really do need to start working on myself now in case I have a chance with her so that I’ll be able to love her the best I can.

I made a mistake rushing it but what we had was wonderful 🙂

Thank you for your help, Anita. It really helps me a lot even though sometimes it hurt to read the truth that I tried to deny.

Best regards,

Dear Tobi:

When I replied to you last night, I wasn’t very focused and did not read your whole post. I was encouraged by the part of your post where you wrote that you were indeed too emotionally invested and that you are accepting that the relationship is coming to an end.

This morning, I am reading your post thoroughly and I am concerned about you having gone to this young woman’s home, talking to her mother: “Last night, I came to see her to tell her how I felt. Instead, I met her mom. That girl was too tired to see me (according to her mom)“.

Three days ago, on April 26, you wrote: “her sister somehow won’t talk to me. I think my GF may have told her sister to stop responding to me“, and “idk if trying to care for her makes me a stalker or causes her discomfort“. On the same day, you shared that your hands were trembling, that you couldn’t sleep at nights, that your emotions were changing abruptly (“I cannot control my emotions the way I want… my heart automatically stops beating“), and you asked me if you need professional help.

Still, on the same day, you resigned from your job, “I’m too stressed to work efficiently“. The day later, on April 27, you wrote: “The last time we met in person, she just kept silence. I couldn’t force her to talk against her will because that would have hurt her more“. On that same day, I ended my reply to you recommending that you seek the professional help of a medical doctor and/ or a psychotherapist, and I added:

“I think that it is very important that you don’t behave in any way that could be viewed as that of a stalker. Do not initiate any contact with her whatsoever, not directly and not indirectly”.

Yesterday, you shared that the night before, you went to this woman’s home for the purpose of talking with her. Her mother told you that her daughter is too tired to talk to you and she talked to you instead.

Back to what you wrote three days ago: “idk if trying to care for her makes me a stalker or causes her discomfort” – you are the one who brought up the possibility that you are a stalker.

join one love. org/ inside the mind of a stalker (I will italicize and boldface the parts that definitely apply to you according to what you shared): “In many cases, stalking begins at the end of a relationship… motivating factors that drive some people to stalk…  include: (1) Rejection: … it comes as a critical blow… (2) Obsession: Stalkers are often obsessive in multiple areas of their life including their romantic inclinations. They usually have repetitive thought patterns that play like a broken record, so they gradually become so preoccupied with their target, they’re unable to sleep, forget to eat, and let their jobs go to the wayside. (3) Fantasy: Stalkers blur the lines between fact and fiction…  they’ll invent details in their head about a romantic relationship that doesn’t exist… (4) Narcissism: Stalkers are unable to recognize or respect the feelings or boundaries of others. They also lack healthy coping skills to deal with rejection”.

Psychology today/ in the mind of a stalker: “The relentless neurotic nature of the stalker can take the form of harassing their targets, calling them repeatedly, as well as sending letters and gifts… Stalkers as a group, have an impressive capacity to rationalize, minimize and excuse their behaviors… professionals should focus… on the stalkers…  as vulnerable, distressed individuals whose behaviors reflect, at least in part, the influence of a serious underlying mental disorder. The most important step in the management of stalkers is to see them as individuals in need of psychological help”.

Wikipedia on stalking: “People characterized as stalkers may be accused of having a mistaken belief that another person loves them (erotomania), or that they need rescuing. Stalking can consist of an accumulation of a series of actions which, by themselves, can be legal, such as calling on the phone, sending gifts, or sending emails… Stalking is a form of mental assault, in which the perpetrator repeatedly, unwantedly, and disruptively breaks into the life-world of the victim, with whom they have no relationship (or no longer have). Moreover, the separated acts that make up the intrusion cannot by themselves cause the mental abuse, but do taken together (cumulative effect)”.

My closing thought: please seek professional help as soon as possible!!!

anita

Dear Tobi:

It is my hope that you will no longer try to contact her, her sister, her mother or any one of her family and friends.

I find it strange that a psychologist told you today that you “should be fine as long as (you) don’t continue thinking about this relationship” – a psychologist should be familiar with the phenomenon of obsessive thinking and how for those obsessed, it is very, very difficult to stop thinking about the topic of their obsession.

If you find yourself obsessing about her again, please see a mental health professional who is familiar with the topic of obsessive thinking: there are therapies available and psychiatric medications if needed. Also, there are online sources in regard to managing anxiety and obsessing thinking, as well as self-help books: a quick google led me to a book titled “Stop Obsessing“, and another, “Take control of your life“, which is about “tackling the fear of change, rejection, and being alone”, it reads.

anita

Dear Tobi:

Only six days ago, you wrote about her: “she’s really thoughtful and honest” (April 23) and now, she is a liar (“Probably she made up those exes“), a post-break up change in your evaluation of her.

You are welcome and I want to further encourage you to no longer contact her, her family and friends. I don’t think that it is a good idea for you and her friend (the ex you mentioned) to be in contact further and to gossip about her. Please remember how very nice she was to you (“she was very nice to me“) and wish her well as you let her go and make your life better and better.

anita

Dear Tobi:

On this issue, regarding this woman,  it’s time to wonder less and less. Let go of the thoughts about her, relax, turn your attention away from her. Don’t hurt her, she did nothing wrong to you, she has no debt to you.

anita