Home→Forums→Relationships→I left my awesome boyfriend, did i do the right thing?
- This topic has 35 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 9 months ago by
Elle Bee.
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May 24, 2018 at 7:29 am #209133
AnonymousGuestDear Elle:
Your boyfriend of five months, 33, a successful therapist, has his own business and team. He complimented you a lot, left you love notes, often gave you flowers, prepared healthy breakfasts for you, packed lunch for you, took you to lavish restaurants and places, listened to you, had intimate conversations..
Question: in these intimate conversations did you tell him how you felt like your personality was being taken away from you, that you were walking on egg shells, afraid to say or do something that disappoints him or upsets him?
If you did, and he indeed listen to you, what did he say in response?
anita
May 24, 2018 at 7:38 am #209141
Elle BeeParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you for answering me. Yes I did talk to him and told him. He always said that certain things are obvious. Like it’s obvious not to be in contact with your ex-husband and it’s obvious that you shouldn’t smoke and it’s obvious you dedicate your time to me when you’re with me and not stay on your mobile. It’s ethical to look in a person’s eyes when they talk to you. Sometime he used to tell me that this is all my anxiety that is making me feel like i’m walking on egg shells and that he’s not the monster that I think he is. He’s always highlighting the good things he does for me and reassures me that he loves me…
He said that he becomes controlling when he feels insecure. He feels insecure when he sees me distant and I become distant every time he says or do something controlling, so I think it was a vicious cycle… He always said that all I need to do when he’s upset about something I said or did is to hug him and reassure him and tell him that I love him.. I tried, sometimes it worked but sometimes it didn’t. Whenever I get defensive over something he says out of insecurity he gets even more upset. He would just want me to listen to him and then hug him.. which was not always possible neither.
Elle
May 24, 2018 at 7:47 am #209147AnonymousGuestDear Ellie:
Your story is very interesting and not easy to understand, therefore I ask more questions:
He use the word monster (“he is not the monster that I think he is”), did you tell him that he is a monster?
Was there something about him that was very strange to you, something alarming?
anita
May 24, 2018 at 7:56 am #209157Elle BeeParticipantDear Anita,
No! I never told him he was a monster.. he said so because I mentioned a lot of things he does and he says it’s like I’m portraying him as a monster! I do tell him that he’s no monster and that I just find him controlling.
What was strange about him is that he never lasted long in a relationship. I don’t think he was always honest about why the relationships were over. Also he always told me that he had never felt this way with a girl before and he always had some bad gut feelings about previous girls but then I know for sure he had mentioned marriage with one girl and also proposed to the one before me. When I ask him why, he sort of deviated from the actual question.
Elle
May 24, 2018 at 8:00 am #209159AnonymousGuestDear Elle:
I will be back to the computer in an hour or less and reply then.
anita
May 24, 2018 at 8:58 am #209193AnonymousGuestDear Elle:
If you didn’t feel like you were walking on eggshells in previous relationships, with your ex husband, and way back, as a child, then it is an indication that this walking on eggshells is specific to this relationship (?)
Of course, some of the things he said are true and sensible, smoking is unhealthy and being on the phone is sometimes rude when in anther person’s presence.
He was not always honest with you. When he told you that he was always right about his instincts regarding women, that was a lie and the reason he “deviated from the actual question” (your recent post).
Reads to me that aware of his anxieties, somewhat, he came up with solutions. Anxious about a woman’s past, he figured the solution is that she must not talk about her past and not be in contact with an ex. Anxious about an increased volume of a woman’s voice, his solution is that the woman must keep her volume down and even at all times. Anxious otherwise, he figured the solution is that you hug him.
He came up with solutions that make a relationship very rigid, makes the girlfriend live under strict rules, hence your fear and walking on egg shells.
I am thinking that his experience as a child was that his mother raised her voice at him, didn’t attend to him/ neglected him, attended to other people, not to him and probably she didn’t hug him. Seems to me that he was trying to make you be his “good mother” and his efforts came with a list of rules and expectations, raining on your parade to.. just be.
I have more thoughts but will wait for your reply at this point, your thoughts about what I wrote here.
anita
May 24, 2018 at 10:30 am #209215Elle BeeParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for your reply. Yes, I have never felt like walking on eggshells before. I had a happy childhood and my husband was totally opposite. He hardly gave me any importance and I could do whatever I like (in the sense of smoking, mobiles etc) We ended up loving each other as siblings or flat mates
With Regards to mobile, I never take it out during dinner or quality time together but if we’re on the couch and he falls asleep and i grab my mobile, he’d wake up and tell me to cuddle him instead. And if he’s driving, he’ll start a conversation and ask me to stop and listen to him. He on the other hand does use his mobile often. I understand he’s got work and don’t say anything. Most of the time I would be seeing what he’s writing and doing.
Yes, he had spoken to me about his childhood once. His mother used to disown him when he doesn’t get great marks at school. She was depressed and often used to threaten him that she’s going upstairs to commit suicide. Then he’d clean the kitchen and she’s back downstairs. She used to hit him with a wooden spoon too… in fact all his cooking utensils are made of plastic or silicone. She is ok now, she lives very close to him and often helps him out with walking and taking care of his dog whilst he’s at work.
I do understand his behavior, especially that you explained certain things. But I don’t think I can live with it. He does have his own therapist that he goes to every week but I don’t think he works on his insecurities and anxieties… sometimes it’s like he doesn’t even acknowledge them.
I’m so confused
Elle
May 24, 2018 at 11:56 am #209237AnonymousGuestDear Elle:
All his utensils are plastic or silicone because a wooden utensil triggers him, understandably. If he sees a wooden utensil, a spoon, he feels distressed. So he avoids the triggering with plastic utensils.
When you have online contact with your ex husband, or when you talk on the phone (with someone else), while he is asleep, or partly asleep, he gets distressed. It may trigger his experience of his mother leaving him behind, going upstairs to commit suicide.
When his mother disowned him, when she threatened to commit suicide, he probably felt, as children do, that he was at fault. That may be the reason he referred to himself as a monster. And that may be the reason why he tries to be so good, so very nice to strangers, packing lunches for you, giving you flowers and so on.
You mentioned that the two of you had arguments, frequently- can you elaborate on that, on an argument that lead to you storming out, who started, what was said and done..?
anita
May 25, 2018 at 12:59 am #209303Elle BeeParticipantHi Anita,
I hardly ever make phone calls unless they are needed when I’m with him. When I mentioned mobile I would probably be scrolling on FB or perhaps checking in on a girl friend. My ex-husband doesn’t text me frequently.. maybe once a month, according to the needs and he always does that in the morning. One other thing is that the episodes of his mother happened when he was a pre-teen/teen not a little child – if that makes a difference.
The argument why I left was that he scheduled the morning as usual (for both of us). I wanted to stay a bit more in bed (it was 6:10am), was cuddling with him and he grabbed his mobile. I asked him to cuddle me instead and told him, ‘this is exactly what you do’. So he stormed out of bad angry and went for a walk on his own (prior to the scheduled time). When he returned, I tried to be calm and nice to him anyway but he was still angry. Then I offered to go with him to buy some stuff for breakfast and whilst I was dressing up he asked me if I was ready. I said ‘in a minute’ and he said ‘if you’re not ready in a minute I’ll leave’ and he would, because he had done it before. And that was it, I got furious and started packing up all my belongings.
This is one example of an argument. I know it was not a serious thing but I just couldn’t take it anymore. It’s like I have to ‘obey’ him all the time and afraid to suggest something that goes against what he (or us) would have planned before. The previous argument for example was because I talked to him in a sarcastic way and the previous was because he tried to explain some street directions whilst I was getting ready and he thought I wasn’t giving him enough attention so he just stopped explaining…..
My question is… I know he might have this character because of his experience but is this the right way for me to be treated? Will he ever change if he doesn’t even accept or acknowledge these things? I’m missing him, or rather the lovely times we had together but I don’t miss the way I used to feel. I tried to get used to his character and be happy with the nice things but I just couldn’t…
Elle
May 25, 2018 at 2:17 am #209309AnonymousGuestDear Elle:
He had a horrific childhood. It is horrific for a child, be it a young child or a preteen, to have a mother who threatens to commit suicide. It is scary when it happens once. It is scary when it happens repeatedly. This early and ongoing fear is his present anxiety.
He managed to do well in his life, career wise. He is making a good living, and has what seems to be a successful life. In the context of an intimate relationship, with women before you and with you most recently, he is very rigid. Being very rigid is his way to manage his significant anxiety.
Because he is successful in life (outside intimate relationships), he is not likely to change the way he operates career wise or in relationships. Overall, the way he operates works for him well enough that there is no motivation for him to heal further and to change.
He needs a woman (you) to behave certain ways, to obey him, so to keep his anxiety down. He needs to be hugged and cuddled when he needs to, right there-and-then, upon command. He needs to be listened to attentively at all times. He needs you to be ready for this or that at whatever time he chooses.
Back to your question in the title of your thread: “did I do the right thing?” – yes, you did, is my answer. Your “awesome boyfriend”, your “dream guy” is a very troubled man. He manages his life very well in many respects, being functional. But he does not manage well intimate relationships. There is no way for you to change his ways.
In the context of an intimate relationship the deal is: he compliments you often, he brings you flowers often, he takes you to lavish restaurants, and you obey him here and there, everywhere and all the time. This is the exchange.
anita
May 25, 2018 at 3:10 am #209317Elle BeeParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you so much for your replies and explanations, very much needed and appreciated. I am sorry for him; he is so successful in life and then these traits are hindering him from settling down in a loving relationship… pity.
Well, I shall now stop thinking about him and missing the great things he did for me and just look ahead. Will try to love myself more and be happy in my own company.
Once again, thank you for helping me understand better!!
Elle
May 25, 2018 at 3:26 am #209321AnonymousGuestYou are welcome, Elle. Post again anytime you would like to.
anita
May 28, 2018 at 5:16 am #209705Elle BeeParticipantHi Anita,
I came across a website and I am now thinking he might be a Psychopath… http://psychopathsandlove.com/red-flags-of-a-psychopath/ He matched with all the red flags :/ I’m sorry i’m contacting you again… but I so miss him, even though he was probably no good for me :/ I feel lost and still trying to convince myself that I did the right thing. I’m still confused.
May 28, 2018 at 5:31 am #209709AnonymousGuestDear Elle Bee:
The answer to whether you did the right thing is not in that website because the people in that website, posting what they did or do, have no information about your ex-boyfriend, do they?
You have the information but you are also emotionally attached to him and you feel scared about making the wrong choices, and so, your clarity is disrupted.
If you want, we can continue to communicate here about your ex-boyfriend, not about terms such as psychopaths and narcissists (very popular terms online) but specifically about him. The goal is that you will be the one deciding what is true to reality.
For that purpose, will you share with me what you do know about his current relationship with his mother?
anita
May 28, 2018 at 6:08 am #209715Elle BeeParticipantHi Anita,
His current relationship with his mum seems to be a very good one, now. They text each other every day, especially since she takes care of his dog during certain times. He does go to her place on some days in his free/break time where he would find some lunch. She works however therefore she’s not home all the time. I only spoke to her a couple of times and she seems to be a very nice woman. According to him, she liked me too and she told him that I don’t seem to be like the other girls he had before me. She seems to care a lot about him.
She lives very close to him and once, in the beginning of our relationship, I saw her on my way out of his apartment and I said hi and she just said hi in a cold way. When I told him about her, he said ‘she was probably thinking, oh he must have had another pussy at home’.
I know he had a lot of woman before me and he was also into one night stands, so I wasn’t too surprised by this comment.
That’s all I know, basically. Nothing much.
Elle
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