Brandy,

i know to her it looks as if im saying one thing and actions proved otherwise. I talked to her for over 2 hours when i told her i wanted to leave. She wasnt overly emotional but i could tell she was taking some subtle “jabs” at my points, which led me to believe that she wasnt in agreement. Also, she tried to leave it open ended but i told her thats not a good idea.

initially i may have hurt her. But from the most recent conversations it doesnt seem that way. I dont want her to be hurting, i do want her to forgive on top of give me a second chance (i know thats selfish and a lot to ask).

the time alone has made me reflect on the topics of conversation and analyze them deeper. Of course it could be the loneliness and lack of contact that puts what we had on a pedestal but ive been looking at her past as more of a positive and not a negative.

i decided that, if i get the opportunity, i want to know more about these situations, meet the family members, see what she struggles with every day and how she copes with mental illness. I want to let her in on my family and friends (since i was reluctant to do so before) and see what this desire i have inside is to seek these opportunities.

do i see her as wife material? When it fame to how she treated me and how we got along, yes. The physical part of our relationship wasnt completely there for me but its something i can work on. The only big variable for me is the bipolar, to what extent would it be a major problem, as it seems to have caused many problems for her previously, the question is, is it under control. As ive stated before, 9/10 relationships or marriages fail with a bipolar diagnosis, the odds are awful, but in that 1/10, can it be great?

as of now, i dont expect to ever hear from her in an intimate way again. She has said repeatedly that she wishes i didnt do what i did and maybe things can change another time but right now, they cant. But like you said, i think i wore out my welcome by being so solid and unapologetic when i left, it probably hurt and opened her eyes.

Brandy,

i appreciate you being real with me, as i expect the truth. Thats what im here for.

she has told me to leave it be. Thats what i planned to do. If she decides to talk to me again, i wasnt going to just take it and pick back up, i feel that she deserved a full truthful explanation. If it runs her off, then i can live with it.

writing her a letter after she has told me to leave it be, is that a good idea? She has said shes moved on so shouldnt i respect what she is telling me?

when i talk of the physical part, im going to get more shame for this but i will tell the honest truth. My initial attraction was there for sure. We did not hook up for weeks, which honestly is rare in my recent dating years. The first few times were great but as that time wore on, i started to focus on specific things. She had lost a good bit of weight prior to us meeting, and i could tell in her physique once the clothes were off. Once my focus was drawn to this, my interest level went down and i had a hard time with the hooking up part, to the point that the last time it happened, i was basically useless. I apologized when this happened and she told me “dont ever feel the need to apologize for this aspect”.

At that point, i thought to myself that this definitely isnt going to work. With everything compounded in my head, im checking out so i did.

now reading back on everything, im shallow and very quick to make judgmental decisions, im well aware. This is all a lesson to learn, and when i said i could work on the physical part, i mean it. I want to grown into being a more accepting person, and not having so many “hang ups” that have led me to this point at my age.

will that cause me grief in my future? I dont know, but it sure has caused me grief to this point, so how much worse can it get?

Brandy,

i would tell my friend that he sounds totally confused. From the sounds of it, you either need to stick to your decision and be comfortable with it, or figure out whether your expectations on attraction are real or not.

i guess we like what we like, and we desire by instinct. If something is telling us “no” or “we dont like it”, its not something thats easily controlled.

its a crazy thought. Every time we would get together, i would find her attractive, until the physical part started. The last time i saw her, which was a few weeks ago at a work event, i found her very attractive and my heart was racing as if i was extremely nervous. I dont know if its the face that she seems more desirable to me because, i thought i could get her back on my own terms, but she has turned me down and is now more attractive based on that fact?

i honestly never expected this situation to turn out the way it did. Its for a reason, and we will find out what that reason is in time.

Brandy,

i completely agree with that idea. It was weird. The first month after i ended it, i was perfectly fine, going on dates that didnt pan out, i would see her post on social media and i wouldnt even be wondering what she was up to.

i read up on the stages of grief after being the one who leaves and they say that you will feel relief at first, then the remorse can set in. Mone didnt set in until a month post, and naturally after i was very alone. The alone part makes it worse, but i feel like there is something thats drawing me to this woman. I will find out in time, or wont find out at all, who knows.