Home→Forums→Relationships→I Keep Replacing My Boyfriends' Face With My Dads' During Intercourse
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Anonymous.
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September 26, 2017 at 12:24 pm #170447
ShannonParticipantTricky subject!
As the headline reveals, I have a serious problem with my mind switching the sight of the love of my life in front of me, with a picture of my dads’ face when me and my boyfriend are having sexual intercourse.
Just to be clear here. I don’t get turned on by putting my father’s face on my boyfriends’ body. I get disgusted every time it happens, and need to abort the intercourse inmediately. The event leaves me with feelings of confusion (why am I doing this? Why does this keep happening?), guilt (I am in love with my boyfriend, not my father. I don’t want him replaced…) and shame (I’m really embarrassed that this happens).
A little background story, I don’t know what of this matters and not, but someone else out there maybe knows. I slept in the same bed as my mother and father until I was fourteen, the main reason being that my parents thought it was cozy. Not very much space for privacy there.
When I was fourteen to eighteen years old, my dad sometimes got home drunk and laid down in my bed, with me in it, craving attention, hugging, speaking sluggishly and breathing on me with his stinging alcoholic breath. Not a very nice experience.
So, as far as I can remember, I’ve never been attracted to my dad. But we’ve sure had a lot of body contact (a great part of it involuntarily from my side). I’ve no idea what memories or feelings manifests in a direct picturization of my dad, in front of my eyes, when I’m having intercourse with my wonderful boyfriend. I want my dad off me when I’m having sex!
Any ideas of what this could be? Any solutions?
September 27, 2017 at 5:14 am #170537
AnonymousGuestDear Shannon:
Maybe when you see your father’s face at those times it is a memory being activated, a memory of him lying in your bed, uninvited, when drunk, hugging you and breathing on you.
It is possible that the mere physical contact with your boyfriend triggers the memory of the physical contact with your father and the image of his face appears.
You clearly indicated this experience is uninvited. You dislike it, don’t want it. It is not that you are or have been physically attracted to your father. Therefore, I am thinking that perhaps it is the negative emotional experience you had with your father (not a positive emotional experience, such as a physical attraction) that fuels this uninvited interruption of his image. Is it so?
anita
September 27, 2017 at 5:37 am #170549ShannonParticipantAnita,
I think you might be onto something there. Do you have any ideas of how to deal with this uninvited experience? How to make that face go away?
After all, I just want to give my full attention to my wonderful boyfriend.
September 27, 2017 at 5:52 am #170553AnonymousGuestDear Shannon:
My advice: remove the guilt and shame elements you mentioned regarding this image appearing (“guilt… and shame…I’m really embarrassed that this happens”). When the image appears, take a deep breath and think/ say to yourself something like (you choose your words): this image is involuntary. I didn’t choose it, and therefore I am not responsible for it appearing. I am not guilty, and there is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with my relationship.
Removing these two elements will probably make you feel much better.
Also, it may help to further heal or process those negative experiences with your father (if indeed you agree they were negative, or harmful to you), so that it is less likely to come to the surface as it has.
anita
September 27, 2017 at 6:28 am #170565ShannonParticipantI’ll try the removing shame and guilt part, but unfortunately I’ve already enlightened my father about my hard feelings towards his behaviour, and his contrabehaviour is very classic for a perpetrator: He´s neglecting my emotions about the event, as though they’d not be true. “No, that’s not what happened, I remember that as if it was yesterday… We had little nice night moments reading bedtime stories.”
Sorry Dad, but you stopped reading me bedtime stories when I was eleven. This was years after that.
A little bitterness needed to air out there.
Thank you for your advice Anita, I’ll make the best out of it.
September 27, 2017 at 6:49 am #170571AnonymousGuestDear Shannon:
You are welcome.
If you are having a relationship with your father in the present time, I wonder if his present denial of your memories and feelings is perpetuating the harm he caused you in the past.
anita
September 27, 2017 at 7:13 am #170585ShannonParticipantAnita,
yes, that is the case. Since he’s neglecting my emotional memory, I won’t get anywhere closer to a peacestand in collaboration with him. I have to seek a resolution for the emotional distress this memory is causing me, with the help from a neutral party.
My dad is currently in therapy for dealing with posttraumatic stress… finally. He should have started that decades ago. I don’t really feel an urge to press him into making too much progress at once. He’s an old dog who need to make things his own way. So, as I am dealing with a very acutely present problem related to a memory from the past (having an image of my dad disturbing my sexlife), I’m directing focus on solving that specific problem. My relationship with ol’ pop may find its’ resolutions later, but I don’t count on it as something essential for solving my own problems.
September 27, 2017 at 8:12 am #170591AnonymousGuestDear Shannon:
You affirmed that it is the case that his present denial of your memories and feelings is perpetuating the harm he caused you in the past.
It makes sense to me that “Since he’s neglecting (your) emotional memory, (you) won’t get anywhere closer to a peacestand in collaboration with him”, and that your “relationship with ol’ pop may find its’ resolutions later”, but that is regarding a peace stand with him and a relationship with him.
Regarding your own individual healing from the affects of the past with him, that healing may be made very difficult to do when having an ongoing, present relationship with him while he continues to deny your memories and feelings.
anita
September 28, 2017 at 4:36 pm #170851
BenParticipantHello Shannon,
(It’s my first time posting on here, so please be gentle, ha)
Your parents having you in their bed was something which sounds more like it served their needs, and didn’t really consider yours perhaps? Same with your Father crashing on your bed after a few drinks.
Perhaps your Father was just a bit too inappropriately physical during the phase of your life when you were independently discovering sex and sexuality? Maybe infantilising you a bit past the point of appropriateness.
My advice is to look into Narcissistic behaviour and compare your Father’s behaviour to see if anything sounds familiar. After that look into OCD and intrusive thoughts related to CPTSD related to narcissistic abuse.
There is something Narcissistic parents do to their children called ’emotional incest’ (I know it sounds bad but it’s very common for NPD personalities) and as I understand it, this is where your emotional boundaries are violated, instead of the physical.
Regarding the dismissal of your concerns and emotions – I would say this is also a common trait of Narcissistic personality disorder, who just flat out deny anything they do that might be wrong.
(Besides this kind of analysis, I’ve read before how a girl’s Father serves as her idea for what the ideal man should be – but there’ll be literally millions of women disputing that.)
B
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