Hi everyone,

Im so messed up in my head right now that it’s really starting to have an impact on my day to day life and even my health. My story: 2 days before Christmas of 2015 my wife had been acting distant and strange that day, so I texted her and asked if everything was okay? She responded, “I don’t think I want to be with you anymore.” I panicked!!! I was crushed! How could this happen? As far as I could tell we were both happy. Good jobs, nice house, two beautiful children… I had moved and switched jobs several times so that she could chase her dreams and go to school and work wherever she wanted. I supported her photography. I lived above my means in some cases to provide her with whatever she asked for. I begged her for a second chance, and she grudgingly agreed, meanwhile telling her friends and family that we were divorcing behind my back and saying that it was because I emotionally abused her (not true). I found a therapist, and we began visits. Later I would find out that this therapist was a survivor of emotional abuse herself and so completely identified me as a monster in our relationship, and did nothing to help us resolve our problems. That’s not what my wife wanted anyways. It was all a set up, she was trying to make it look like she had done everything she could to save the marriage, but I was just this terrible person that she couldn’t live with anymore. Lies… I found out the hard way. We went on a date one night, I thought we were doing well making progress. She got rather intoxicated and dropped her phone on the kitchen floor. She asked me to get it for her and that’s when I found the messages from another guy. You can imagine how shocked and angry I was! I instantly called my best friend, who just happens to be her brother and asked if I could spend the night at his house. He was extremely angry with his sister and told the rest of the family who up until then had thought that it was all my fault that the marriage had failed. Things change very abruptly! Exposed for her lying and cheating, she put on a show of reconciliation. Apologizing and saying that she wanted to save the marriage. Her family is fairly well to do and she depended on them to help her financially. I agreed to give it a go. Actually, I was thrilled to have my codependent needs fulfilled. But it didn’t last, she continued her lying and cheating and by February we were separated and she filed for divorce. She made no secret of her infidelity from then on. I moved in with a close friend. It’s then that I started therapy with a different provider and the words codependency and narcissist first came to me, and I learned that I had been the empath for a classic narcissist. I understood my problem, but I couldn’t escape it. I constantly let her suck me back into her drama so she could feed off of me and then cast me aside again. My codependency made me obsess about being in a relationship. I tried to date far too soon, hoping to fill the gaping hole in my soul. I am loved! I have two beautiful children who I received joint legal and physical custody of. My exes Family stands fully behind me now. They’ve cut ties to her and have withdrawn all financial support, and are actually helping me very much, providing a home for me and my children while I get back on my feet. I have amazing friends who are always available to have fun and hang out. But I’m going insane because I can’t shake this need to be in a relationship!!! I had a couple of rebound relationships that I could fully tell weren’t going to last. Then I met someone that made everything seem perfect in life only to lose her 4 months later because she said she hadn’t quite processed her own divorce! So now here I am, lonely and depressed, unable to get my shit together. I fight myself to go to the gym, or paint, or read, or hang out with friends and family. I feel like there’s no joy in anything at all. My ex has started her narcissistic hoovering again, and I feel myself giving in, just because I crave any little bit of attention. I obsess about the girl that I really love, and hoping that she’ll be back once she figures herself out. I have 8 weeks of school left-no motivation. Art, music, movies and TV all just remind me of heartbreak. I have to break out of this!!!! End this torment!!! I’ve been drinking too much. All I want to do is sleep! My days just pass, I don’t accomplish anything, I’m unhappy, miserable… I keep hearing, love yourself, love yourself, love yourself… Well tell me how!!!!!! How do I love myself when I can barely stand to think about anything… Point me in the right direction. Books? Which ones? How do I learn to meditate? How do I restore a balance? All I’ve ever wanted is to be loved and to love back! Why can’t I find that?

Ramone