Home→Forums→Relationships→I just rejected someone today, please help?
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September 20, 2017 at 3:45 am #169435
AnonymousGuestDear Mina:
From your descriptions of him, of the things he told you, he was caring and thoughtful about your well-being. There was an indication of this in his email to you following you wishing him happy birthday, he apologized for not being a good boyfriend, probably meaning (besides giving himself a bad grade as a boyfriend), that he wishes he was a good boyfriend for you, wishing you well, that is.
Thing is, your well being was not his only motivation in breaking up with you. I go back to my past analysis: he removed from his life the part he valued less. Doesn’t mean (as I wrote to you before) that he believed you are less valuable as a person than anyone else, but that you being in his life is of less value than other things, that his time and energy need to go elsewhere.
It would be fantasy if you thought that his only or main motivation was your well being. Reality is, most likely, that his well being was his main motivation, that is, reducing his distress. You witnessed his distress yourself, so you know it was there.
In his ejection of you from his life, he removed you from his life. You are no longer in it. He did not reject you in that he didn’t communicate to you that you were inadequate as a person or as a girlfriend, that you didn’t meet his standards for a human or for a girlfriend (looking at the definition of “reject”).
Regarding finding comfort in thinking about him, spending time in places you were with him, that is all fine in my mind because he represents for you accepting-Mina (the opposite of rejecting), of valuing Mina as a person, and what he represents is real, it really is comforting. As long as you know what it is that is comforting you (accepting Mina, leading I hope to self acceptance), then it makes sense to me.
I hope that the … legacy of having him in your life would become being a part of what is propelling you in the direction of self acceptance.
anita
September 20, 2017 at 6:03 am #169455
MinaParticipantAnita,
So to summarise your feedback :
1. My ex boyfriend did or does care about my well being, and it did became one of the reason of the break up BUT the MAIN reason was my ex boyfriend well being, right?
2. He had to ejected me as a girlfriend but he did not rejected me as a person when the break up happened, correct?
You wrote : “..That is all fine in my mind because he represents for you accepting-Mina (the opposite of rejecting), of valuing Mina as a person, and what he represents is real, it really is comforting.”
What do you mean when you wrote that he represent me? You are saying that there 2 different Mina then? The mina that rejected herself vs mina that accepted herself – and the latter identity was represented by my ex since he accepted me as a person?
If so, does it means that right now I am “accepting” myself ONLY because my ex boyfriend told me to? Because the memories and his words to me are so meaningful that I started to believe and accept myself because of it?
You wrote “his legacy” – can you explain about this? Is it the same concept as me honouring me, in a way – by accepting myself?
Please elaborate, If you do not mind 🙂
-Mina
September 20, 2017 at 6:30 am #169461AnonymousGuestDear Mina:
Regarding most of the second part of your post:
I wrote: “he represents for you”, not that he represents you. He represents self acceptance, that is the state of mind where Mina is accepting Mina.
I didn’t write that you are accepting yourself presently, but that having experienced acceptance by him will hopefully help in the process of you accepting yourself.
I don’t see two Minas, there is just the one who accepts herself sometimes (those are times of calm and hope) and too often rejects herself (those are times of distress and depression).
* Self acceptance needs to be ongoing, not just some times.
Regarding the first part of your post:
“1. My ex boyfriend did or does care about my well being, and it did became one of the reason of the break up BUT the MAIN reason was my ex boyfriend well being, right?”- yes. He cared, from your descriptions and his email. I imagine he still does. The main reason was definitely his distress. He broke up with you so to reduce his personal distress, no doubt in my mind.
“2. He had to ejected me as a girlfriend but he did not rejected me as a person when the break up happened, correct?”- yes, no indication of rejection (now that I am aware of the correct meaning of the word). Eject was the correct word from the start.
Regarding the last part, “‘his legacy’ – can you explain about this? Is it the same concept as me honouring me, in a way – by accepting myself?”-
I used the word legacy, meaning, here, something received from the past. If his past involvement in your life is part of what leads you to accept yourself, to honor (your word) yourself, then it is a valuable, positive, healthy … wonderful legacy.
anita
September 20, 2017 at 8:41 am #169479MinaParticipantAnita,
Thank you very much. I needed to hear some of the words you wrote above. It is very comforting me reading this.
Especially this part,
You wrote : “I imagine he still does.”
Every single time I think about ending it all, ending my pain – I think about this. I should live, even if it isn’t for me – then for him. He probably does not know about what is going on but he will want Mina to live. That he at least still care for me as an ex boyfriend or as a friend or as a 1human being – I do not care about the context.
I am fighting a lonely battle with depression but the thought of someone accepting me is very comforting. The thought that at least one person truly understands me. When I think about him and his last email to me, it really does not feel like I am fighting alone anymore.
I would like to explain the meaning of a sentence I wrote yesterday : “I became the person that knows the least about myself.”
For 19 years, I have never tried to understand or listen to myself. I do not know who Mina is without her education, her looks, her boyfriends, her friends and her parents. Those things I have wrote DEFINES me as a person for 19 years. I became accustomed into thinking that without them or those things, Mina does not exist.
I have always been so harsh on myself, saying so many terrible things that I would never say to anyone but I say it to myself most of the time. My ex boyfriend of 4 months knows Mina better than Mina, even you, Anita. A kind stranger from the other side of the world, we never even met but you already knows Mina more than Mina knows about herself.
I never listen to myself, I realise that. I always see the worse in me, when people always try to see the best in me.
That is why a simple break up shook up my entire identity, I had an identity crisis because I never knew who I was in the first place. Mina is always been about being someones boyfriend, someones daughter, someones friend, and someones student. To tell you frankly, I still do not know who Mina is very well. I am trying to get to know myself, taking a break for a bit. Trying to use this time of my “depression” to explore and heal.
To figure out … who is Mina? I also realise that being depressed gives me a lot of space and time to think about myself. My future. I listen more to myself, I try to express myself truthfully and only surround myself with the people that I truly like because pretending is very tiring. I can go to school wearing anything, because I do not care about what anyone says anymore. I do not care If I lose a few “friends” during this period as well.
I am filtering out people. I am filtering out everything in my life that is worth keeping or needs to be thrown away.
Being alone is a comfort to me as well. I realise how I haven’t been alone with myself for a very very long time.
-Mina
September 20, 2017 at 8:51 am #169487MinaParticipant[MORE / IMPORTANT UPDATE]
I just re-read his email. I will write the whole conversation here.
Mina : Happy Birthday! I wish you the best for your future plans, to always study well (hopefully in ***
hehe) and make a lot of new friends next year. I hope that everything is well with you & have a great birthday Ex Boyfriend sent me a heart emoticon (he does not do it very often but sending heart emoticon or emoji is often in Korea when you are close to them as friends or boyfriend/girlfriend – in this context, I think it was just him expressing his feelings being touched)
Ex Boyfriend : Thank you!!! Thanks for supporting me even through my whims and even though I was not a good boyfriend to you. I hope you spend the rest of your summer well, and I would like it if you have fun next semester as well!
My mind was being delusional at that time when I read it first. He did not apologised on his email, I just realise that.
-Mina
September 20, 2017 at 9:53 am #169501AnonymousGuestDear Mina:
During and after reading your first recent post, I am so excited, that I am in a rush to write you before reading the second, most recent. Your whole email, every sentence is so refreshing, it is a breath of fresh air for me, my goodness- you have my exclamation of wow!
I read your post on the other thread, how precious. You wrote there that you had a good day. That explains to me the excellent thinking, insight, reason on this thread, on this post before last. As before, when you are calm you think your best.
And now to your recent post: that was a delightful message you sent him for his birthday and his response was delightful as well. No, he did not apologize but acknowledged that he was not a good boyfriend to you.
And yes, I am definitely inclined to think that he does care for you.
anita
September 20, 2017 at 6:32 pm #169621MinaParticipantAnita,
You wrote that my email was so refreshing and it was a breath of fresh air for you.
Which part of the email that was so “impressive” or “meaningful” to you?
I thought that you had read this email from months ago (A closure after a tough break up thread- in that thread I wrote what he said in general although not in detail as in words per words)
Regardless, I am very happy to read your words below :
“I am definitely inclined to think that he does care for you.”
You have no idea how much this meant to me. No idea how much I needed to hear that, from anyone. My friends in general keeps minimising my pain, saying how he was a very shitty boyfriend so it was a good riddance for me, but they weren’t the one in a relationship. It was really hard to make them understand that after a while, I just stopped explaining and sharing. I do not need them to validate how my ex boyfriend feels about me. I know how he feels and he know about how he feels.
The two of us are enough. We cannot expect anyone to understand because they aren’t us, but the fact that you understand – God, you have no idea how relieve I feel reading your feedback. Thank you, Anita.
-Mina
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This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by
Mina.
September 21, 2017 at 7:54 am #169657AnonymousGuestDear Mina:
I read your daily letter, a beautiful combination of emotion, of love, and of realistic thinking.
What I liked so much about your email from yesterday is the following:
“He probably does not know about what is going on… That he at least still care for me as an ex boyfriend…”- realistic thinking.
“…the thought of someone accepting me is very comforting. The thought that at least one person truly understands me”- you are aware of the importance of being accepted and truly understood.
“it really does not feel like I am fighting alone anymore”- when you are accepted and truly understood you no longer feel alone. When you are around people who do not accept and truly understand you, you feel alone. When you are alone but you know someone out there accepts and truly understands you, you don’t feel alone.
You elaborated on “I became the person that knows the least about myself”
“I do not know who Mina is without her education, her looks, her boyfriends, her friends and her parents. Those things I have wrote DEFINES me as a person for 19 years”- at nineteen, you are aware of what a lot of women become aware of in their fifties and sixties when their children are grown and leave the home and they find themselves alone and undefined.
“I have always been so harsh on myself, saying so many terrible things that I would never say to anyone but I say it to myself most of the time”- you said those things to yourself because you didn’t accept yourself, you rejected yourself.
“To tell you frankly, I still do not know who Mina is very well”- mature and honest. It will take time and attentive involvement in your own life while accepting yourself and you will know more and more who Mina is. You will be pleased learning who you truly are, I am sure of it.
“I listen more to myself, I try to express myself truthfully and only surround myself with the people that I truly like because pretending is very tiring”- The summit of my fresh-air experience, you expressing yourself truthfully, surrounding yourself with people you truly like and no longer pretending.
“I am filtering out people. I am filtering out everything in my life that is worth keeping”- being selective of the people and activities in your life, thoughtfully choosing those, is most important to one’s well-being.
And again, I have no doubt that as you get to truly know yourself more and more, you will be pleased.
anita
September 21, 2017 at 9:07 am #169663MinaParticipantAnita,
You read my daily letter to my ex boyfriend? Wow … it means a lot to me, Anita.
I think I misunderstood your sentences. I thought that what you meant by email was my happy birthday email to my ex boyfriend, I did not realise that you were referring to my last reply in this thread.
Regardless, I am very happy reading your feedback to me today. I think that I needed to go through this break up to find myself. I realise that after a while. I owe my ex boyfriend for breaking up with me in a sense, if we never broke up – maybe I will get married with him and live my life without knowing myself for the next 40-50 years.
I just hope that soon, I will be able to get out this phase in my life completely. I am thinking about removing some of the stuff that my ex gave me when I am ready. I threw the very first rose that he gave me already. It was so hard that I almost fainted while throwing it away in a church. I cried for 2-3 hours and then I fell asleep. I forced myself to go to our special places and make new memories with new people. It was also very hard, because I felt like I am erasing our memories.
But those things does not hold any meaning to him or me anymore. Having that one rose does not change the fact that we are not together anymore. Not going to our places to keep it “special” does not change the fact that we broke up. That is the hard and cold truth that I finally realise.
What matters is what is inside my heart and the lesson that he gave me during the relationship and break up period. Those things defines us right now. Not by a rose. Not by dead objects, not by places.
I am not ready to let him go just yet as I still find comfort in him. And I realise that it is ok. It is not wrong to feel this way, to find comfort in him.
I know that he won’t mind. I know that he will support me, and he wants the best to me.
I am temporarily holding on to my ex boyfriend for my well being at this moment, and that is ok. In my own timing, I will be able to let him go for real.
Do you agree, Anita? 🙂
-Mina
September 21, 2017 at 9:12 am #169665MinaParticipantAnita,
Btw you are free to leave any comment in my daily letter! I did not know you have been reading it.
Thank you so much xxxxx
-Mina
September 21, 2017 at 9:35 am #169667AnonymousGuestDear Mina:
I read your daily letters daily, read all of them. I don’t feel comfortable commenting there- those letters feel too personal, not to be interrupted by my comments.
Your recent post, above, is evident of well-being. I am very pleased. As I wrote to you recently, I believe it is fine to find comfort in your ex boyfriend as long as you realize that he represents accepting-Mina, the seed perhaps of your self acceptance.
And you are very welcome.
anita
September 22, 2017 at 12:01 pm #169891MinaParticipantAnita,
I will not update this thread unless I have a new thoughts or questions, I hope you do not mind.
I will keep my daily letters updated everyday, though. I know that even though you do not comment, you read it all.
Thank you again. I
I promise that I will re-open this thread If I feel like I am ready for anything new let it be a conversation with my ex or letting him go for real someday. Until that day come, I will only be updating my letter to him here 🙂
-Mina
September 22, 2017 at 12:11 pm #169897AnonymousGuestDear Mina:
You are welcome, Mina. Before reading your latest post on this thread I already read and commented (a question I asked, something you wrote that concerned me). I may comment there again. Take good care of yourself.
anita
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