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I just rejected someone today, please help?

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Viewing 15 posts - 61 through 75 (of 133 total)
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  • #168406
    Mina
    Participant

    Anita,

    You wrote : “if you contact him he may damage your subjective experience of a relationship going on, in your mind only. His input may not match the story in your mind.”

    I have questions regarding this statement :

    1. Will his response forced me to see things as it is, then? because he will damage this fake emotional relationship that I am having alone?

    2. Isn’t it better for me to be forced by him to see things as it is instead of holding on into a story that I created in my mind only?

    I mean, emotionally, this fake relationship keeps me going, that is true.

    Until now, but … for how long? I am pretty sure in the long run, this fake relationship won’t survive. If I keep holding on onto this emotionally one sided relationship, I will never be able to be emotionally available to anyone new. I am basically ruining myself and preventing myself from seeing other people in the future.

    At the same time, change is very scary to me right now. Because I was and still in so much pain, I just freeze. I do not want to feel any more pain. By changing things, maybe the level of pain will change too.

    I am scared to contact my ex boyfriend for the reason that he will forced me to see things as it is, and truly end this fake relationship I created. In order to get better when you are sick is to drink medicine right? Right now I am in so much pain because I refuse to eat the medicine because it tastes so bitter

    I will never get better if I do not drink this bitter medicine though.

    I hope my ex boyfriend will be able to put me in my place. Slap me to the reality, I NEED that. Instead of being nice or supportive, maybe it would be better for him to say harsh words to me in order to put things into perspective. This though, I doubt. I am pretty sure simple friendly questions wouldn’t make him go “honest and harsh” on me. I need something to move him, to let him be honest to me. No matter how brutal or cruel, I want to hear the truth.

    -Mina

     

    #168410
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mina:

    Regarding your second question: “Isn’t it better for me to be forced by him to see things as it is instead of holding on into a story that I created in my mind only?”- absolutely, when you are ready. When what you believe about reality fits reality, your mental health is best. When there is little to no fit, your mental health is not well. The comfort in believing what is not true is temporary at best.

    You wrote: ” this fake relationship keeps me going, that is true.”- it keeps an often distressed, compromised Mina going.

    You wrote: ” I am in so much pain because I refuse to eat the medicine…I will never get better if I do not drink this bitter medicine though” –

    I am familiar with both kinds of pain myself. I know the pain in delusion (believing what is not real because it comforts me at times) and the pain in believing what is real. I know both. I can share with you about the difference when you would like, let me know.

    Regarding the first question: “Will his response forced me to see things as it is, then? because he will damage this fake emotional relationship that I am having alone?”- not if you are not ready. When not ready, you will perceive his response in such a way as to fit the story you have in your mind, like you did following the birthday wishing.

    There is also the possibility that he will not be honest with you. His motivation for being dishonest would probably be to protect you but it will keep you delusional and not well.

    Another point: you still look up to him for the solution, as if he is your only hope for looking at reality as-it-is. That is delusional by itself. Because he is not a god and is not perfect, he may do the wrong thing by you and “protect” you from the truth, and in so doing, harm you, not help you.

    anita

     

     

    #168446
    Mina
    Participant

    Anita,

    1. Regarding your second point, I understand and I do feel like my mental health isn’t ready to accept anything that my ex boyfriend will say to me. I will wait until I am ready, which I still do not know when.

    2. Would you like to share the difference between real pain vs pain that I am only feeling by myself to comfort myself?

    3. You wrote : “There is also the possibility that he will not be honest with you. His motivation for being dishonest would probably be to protect you but it will keep you delusional and not well.”

    I agree with you on this one.

    4. You wrote : “you still look up to him for the solution, as if he is your only hope for looking at reality as-it-is. That is delusional by itself.”

    I am actually well aware of this. I am holding on to this one conversation with my ex boyfriend as a means to survive. It is indeed delusional because my ex opinion on my future life does not matter at all.

    This thinking though, I would refer you back to my last reply in this thread. I mentioned how my ex used to treat me, especially how he accepted me emotionally as a human being during our relationship. He was an exceptional (not God) person. You also mentioned on how you understand, you wrote :  “so to be accepted by him meant a whole lot to you and it still does.”

    This is the main reason why I still think his opinion and his blessing are very important to me. He was my first partner that accepted me, and because of that – I truly saw our relationship in the long term basis, building a family and supporting each other. I see myself being with him now and in the future due to the fact that he accepted me emotionally and understood a lot of my issues that I did not even realise I had before.

    I cannot imagine finding someone better than him or like him, that would understand and accept me as he did.

    -Mina

     

     

     

    #168490
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mina:

    You are aware then of how important it is to be understood and accepted emotionally. Such is so rare that your ex boyfriend happens to be the first person in your life to understand and accept you emotionally, isn’t it so? In the context of this website, you wrote that I understand you as well. It is possible to find people who will understand and accept you. I think you know that the man you consider to marry one day will have to be one to understand and accept you, one with whom you feel comfortable and welcomed to be who you are authentically, not faking anything, not faking that niceness you mentioned earlier, not hiding things (like your mother’s friend hid from her husband).

    This relationship gave you tangible understanding of how necessary emotional understanding and acceptance is in one’s life. And your ex boyfriend of four months is not the only source of such.

    *  I am not clear about who broke up with whom and what was the discussion regarding the breakup. You wrote so much of your commentary about the breakup that what was actually said and by whom escaped me. Would you like to write just the facts on the matter, who said what and what was said in response (not what you thought or think about what was said)?

    Regarding the nature of pain, I will get to it after your next post.

    anita

    #168504
    Mina
    Participant

    Anita,

    I will try to explain as logically as possible.

    He broke up with me. He told me that he isn’t in a place for a relationship at that moment due to military service and him moving college in another city. He told me that it isn’t me, it is just he is not emotionally available for any girlfriend, and that he probably won’t have any girlfriend in the next 3 years (after the military service)

    This is what my ex boyfriend told me exactly. He also told me to go meet someone else that is “nicer” than him and he apologised for not keeping his promise of staying with me during him moving college. We were going to do a LDR originally but before he even move college, things were already “overwhelming” for my ex boyfriend because of the college preparation and army preparation. He was “called” to have his physical test the day before the break up.

    He told me that lately he was feeling depressed.

    That is it.

    -Mina

    #168510
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mina:

    I am clear about the breakup communication on his part. And yours, I believe.

    As to the “difference between real pain vs pain that I am only feeling by myself to comfort myself”-

    First: in your case, “real pain” would be pain over the relationship being over, his choice, his stated choice. And the other pain is the pain following what you tell yourself so to comfort yourself, things that have very little, if anything, to do with reality, for example, that the two of you are still friends (reality: there is no contact) and that he will always love you (you wrote “we” will love each other, and “he” is part of the “we”)

    In my experience, the pain I felt and feel over reality (what you termed “real pain”) felt more raw at first, of a different, raw quality, but once I didn’t escape it, but stayed with it, it got weaker quickly. It didn’t lead to overthinking or to depression. The pain led me to better understanding and more and more moments of calm.

    The pain I felt when not facing reality was less raw but it was excruciating. It was not a lesser pain. It lasted much longer than the first, on and on and on, leading to a lot of overthinking and to depression, to hopelessness. The only breaks I got from the misery, the hopelessness is through daydreaming, fantasy. There was much comfort in my fantasy, made believe.

    And this is a major difference: once you commit to reality, you don’t have that fantasy available anymore to escape to. Borrowing the concepts of heaven and hell, being committed to viewing reality as is, you are no longer in hell, but you don’t have heaven to escape to. Avoiding reality, you are in hell and sometimes on vacations in heaven.

    anita

    #168530
    Mina
    Participant

    Anita,

    I understand. I am not committing to the reality to protect and comfort myself  …  but this kind of coping isn’t good because I keep going back and forth between heaven and hell.

    I still cannot let go of the “heaven” yet now

    I will be ready but it isn’t now unfortunately and everyday I just wish that maybe somehow I will die.

    or I will be able to sleep forever … to just avoid reality.

    I realise that the only way to escape reality is to face reality itself

    -Mina

    #168532
    Mina
    Participant

    [Irrelevant Update]

    Anita,

    This has nothing to do with the last reply but I want to share something that had happened today, I hope you do not mind.

    Today started as a really good day – I made a really good friend after the break up, an exchange student from Singapore.

    Maybe I have never mentioned it to you but Singapore is my favourite country in the world. I love the food, the culture and the people. I have always liked Singapore since I was a kid, I have a lot of attachment to the country in a sense. I have always wanted to have a Singaporean friend and finally found one here. I was so happy since we also connected well.

    I realise that I have never mentioned where I currently live, I live in Korea. My ex was a Korean, that is why he has to go to a mandatory military service. My new friend has a little brother who is the same age as me (19) and looking from the pictures, he is totally my type. She told me that she would introduce me for real to him If I do exchange to Singapore (I have plans to exchange since the very beginning) but currently his brother is also doing his mandatory military service since he is a Singaporean.

    His brother seems really laid back and nice. This is my first time after the break up, seeing a guy as “attractive” and “boyfriend material” – and I have to admit, it was a really nice feelings. I realise that there are still a lot of guys out there that are as great as my ex or even better than him.  I realise that there is still love after my ex boyfriend.

    Things seems great, until I met my father`s friends who are visiting Seoul. They are all very rich ladies and as usual, they all have a great relationship with my father so they want to take care of me while they are here to make my father happy – my father is respected and loved by a lot of people, and he has tons of connections and friends. They come to Seoul and will buy me expensive stuff.

    Today, his friends bought me so many cakes and food as they usually do.

    This, however, triggered me. I remembered how I used to receive so many cookies and cakes and the first person that I will share it to is my boyfriend. I will wait for his Student Council meeting to end around 9/10 pm and we will go into the school`s main gate and eat the cake, drink and talk until late at night. Today, I brought so many cakes and food but I have no one to share it with. I feel very lonely and sad.

    I miss him, Anita. I really do.

    -Mina

     

    #168534
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mina:

    “I realise that the only way to escape reality…”-

    No escaping reality. When we don’t see it, it is not because it is no longer there, it is because we closed our eyes to it.

    The price to closing our eyes is misery, that darkness, and that wishing to close our eyes forever (I just wish… I will be able to sleep forever”)

    At your own timing, Mina.

    anita

    #168536
    Mina
    Participant

    Anita,

    Can you please reply to the irrelevant update reply?

    Sorry if it is too long x

    -Mina

    #168538
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mina:

    I read your update, and no, it is not too long. You miss him and/or you miss the feeling of being understood and accepted, of being seen for who you are and allowed to be just as you are, and that made you feel not alone. Isn’t it so, that you miss that feeling… of not being alone?

    anita

     

    #168542
    Mina
    Participant

    Anita,

    You asked : “Isn’t it so, that you miss that feeling… of not being alone?”

    Yes. You are 100 correct.

    -Mina

    #168544
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mina:

    This means you were alone before your boyfriend and you are alone after your boyfriend.

    You were so happy with your boyfriend while in the relationship because, for a change, you were not alone. That was a wonderful feeling, something you always needed. You didn’t have it at home, with any of your parents or… anyone else.

    It is a human need, togetherness, intimacy: to know and to be known for who you are, authentically. To be known not for being fake-nice, or for your physical appearance, but for your real experience of life, for what you feel, what you believe and value.

    It is that togetherness that you need still.

    anita

    #168546
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * didn’t get submitted correctly…

    #168548
    Mina
    Participant

    Anita,

    Well, I wasn’t really alone as in alone. I have a few really good friends that I connected emotionally, they saw me as who I am. We have been friends for a long time too.

    But having a partner was very different feeling.

    Yes maybe I need the togetherness as you have mentioned …

    but I am not sure how can I gain this again, somehow

    are you saying that I have to find a new boyfriend?

    -Mina

Viewing 15 posts - 61 through 75 (of 133 total)

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