I just rejected someone today, please help?

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This topic has 131 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 1 month ago by Anonymous.

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September 9, 2017 at 11:09 am #168046

Mina
Participant

Anita,

I never flirted with him, I made it clear that I love him ONLY as a best friend even before the break up. I was clear enough, in my personal opinion.

The thing is, during the break up, it was kind of hard to see the line. My best friend gets confused by the “blurry” line that was created by the break up. I was desperate to feel loved and cared for, I needed PEOPLE to live. The reason why I am here today, other than myself or my ex was because of my friends. They always listen to me and support every decision that I made.

I was guilty for being so nice to everyone, in order to console my heart break. If I were in my normal mental state, I would have refused him to come in and drop me off in the airport. I would have NEVER agreed to go to the church with him alone just to torture a weird guy that liked me. I realise that I wasn’t very consistent with my sacrifice when I embarrassed the church guy publicly by bringing my best guy friend with me to the church.

My ex would have been very disappointed by my childish act, but I still did it anyways. I feel like, my best friend is the collateral damage from the break up (from my side) – I mentioned that this break up CHANGES almost EVERYTHING. My dreams, my goals, my values, and even my relationships with my friends. I tried to replace that emptiness that my boyfriend gave me, by hanging out with my best guy friend. I admit that there were times when I felt touched. He paid for my food, picked me and dropped me off, he listened to me and gave me advices. He REMINDED me in some ways of my ex boyfriend.

Of course, my ex boyfriend is the original thing. The real thing. No matter how hard he tries, my best friend will never be the real thing. I will always compare him with my ex. He will never be able to overcome my ex. I do not see my best friend as the father of my child in the future and… I do not see myself giving up my precious education and career for him either. It is so much different. I admired my ex boyfriend, almost in a God like kind of admiration (I am sure you already know) for a lot of reasons. Let me compare :

My ex was a leader, he is very respectful and nice. He was loved by a lot of people. He is smart, very goals oriented just like me. He reminds me a lot of myself, there were times when we talked about serious stuff – like what if I got pregnant before we got married and he answered how he would still marry me and stay with me for the baby – I know my ex boyfriend thoughts and mindset. He is also very family oriented, he is close to his parents but just like my relationship with my parents, we never really say “I love you” to our parents. My ex and I, we do not like pretentious people. We usually dislike the same type of people, we never really judge when it comes to stuff that close minded people will not agree. We are very similar.

My best friend is very nice. He is quite popular among both guys and girls. He is loyal and does not really any problem with money. He does not study well, not really the leader type and most importantly – I asked him the same question as my ex above and he answered that he would force the girl to abort the baby. I was surprised. I am also aware that he treats his mother like a maid. And he does not have a good relationship with his sister … I am scared to even consider to date him. I genuinely think that my best friend only wants me as a girlfriend because I am pretty. I am a trophy girlfriend for him.

I honestly have no idea…. do you think that I should apologise?

Can you please analyse and give feedbacks?

Thank you, Anita.

-Mina

September 9, 2017 at 11:27 am #168048

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mina:

To apologize to him or not? To answer your question, I need to know: what do you hope to have with this best guy friend, what kind of a relationship, now that you are aware that he is interested in you as a girlfriend, and now that you believe his motivation is to have you as a trophy girlfriend, because you are pretty?

anita

September 9, 2017 at 11:36 am #168050

Mina
Participant

More than that, I really want to reach out to my ex boyfriend.

I want to just ask him how is he doing these days, and whether he really gets accepted into his new university or not.

I assumed that he did, considering how smart he is. But who knows?

I supported that new uni plan, like I was his biggest supporter for it. I deserve to know… in a sense, no?

I have to admit that I am missing him these days, not necessarily as a boyfriend but as a friend. I miss talking to him and hearing his advices. We were each others biggest fan and loyal supporter, I realise now hard it is find such people in my life and in this prestigious college. Most of those I call friends, we are actually not friends …. we are rivals.

We wish each other to fail in order for us to get a better GPA and better jobs opportunities. There is no friends here.

-Mina

September 9, 2017 at 11:42 am #168052

Mina
Participant

You wrote : “what do you hope to have with this best guy friend?”

A friendship. I hope he continues to treasure and treat me like a best friend just like he used to before I rejected him indirectly

You asked : “what kind of a relationship, now that you are aware that he is interested in you as a girlfriend, and now that you believe his motivation is to have you as a trophy girlfriend, because you are pretty?”

I would write it again. A friendship.

You must have remember when I questioned my life in general. The day I really wanted to donate my life to someone in this world who actually has dreams and plans for their life. He was the one that was able to talked me out of it, I am thankful for that. I really am, until today. Maybe, I would have really somehow gave up on my life if it weren’t for his support and words.

That is why I think that whatever relationship we are currently having, it is worth fighting for

-Mina

September 9, 2017 at 12:28 pm #168064

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mina:

You expressed lack of appreciation to this “best guy friend” as a potential boyfriend (“I genuinely think that my best friend only wants me as a girlfriend because I am pretty. I am a trophy girlfriend for him”), or as one being able or willing to have a healthy, respectful relationships with women in his life (“he treats his mother like a maid. And he does not have a good relationship with his sister”).

This does not fit, it is not congruent, with you expressing appreciation of him as a good friend to you, a woman, a pretty face.

It felt good to be with him (” I admit that there were times when I felt touched. He paid for my food, picked me and dropped me off, he listened to me and gave me advices. He REMINDED me in some ways of my ex boyfriend.), but it is my understanding that you don’t value him, and your motivation for a friendship is self-serving, manipulative and dishonest. After all, you wouldn’t tell him what you shared about him here, would you.

Will be back to the computer in 17 hours or so.

anita

September 10, 2017 at 12:03 am #168072
Mina
Participant
Anita,

You wrote : “This does not fit, it is not congruent, with you expressing appreciation of him as a good friend to you, a woman, a pretty face.”

Can you make it clearer? Why it does not fit?

I respected and appreciated him as a good friend. He is indeed a good friend, I have never mentioned anything bad about him as a friend besides the fact that he sees me as a potential girlfriend. He is a good friend but in my opinion, he is a terrible partner for me – that is why I keep refusing him and going back and forth. I am not sure which side of him to see. To see him as a good friend or see him as this guy who likes me.

You asked and wrote : “but it is my understanding that you don’t value him, and your motivation for a friendship is self-serving, manipulative and dishonest. After all, you wouldn’t tell him what you shared about him here, would you?”

Well, I do value him as a friend. My motivation could be self serving and dishonest and manipulative as you have wrote, I am also well aware of that. But .. is it really wrong? I do not feel that much of a guilt. I still listened to his stories and gave advices too. I mean it did not go one way only, and I do care for him. I think he deserves someone, that isn’t me. Someone that will love him sincerely, just like how I loved my ex boyfriend. I wish him that in his life.

He does not need to know my motivation. Unless I treated him like a bad friend, he can call me out on that and criticise my motivation whatsoever, but I have always been a good friend. I always tried to understand him and always tried to be nice. Never really broke a promise or an appointment that we have together to have fun or go somewhere. And I mentioned him to my ex a couple of times to get my ex permission to hang out together, I also complimented him in front of the person that I respected and loved the most. Like… that is the biggest proof that I care about him as a friend.

I do not see him as “nothing” – he is definitely something but he isn’t everything to me.

What puts me off the most is that he is just so greedy about relationships. He is so desperate most of the times, to get a girlfriend. Sending me pics to chose a girl for him was an example. I did not mind at all as his FRIEND, I love helping him out but I wish he isn’t so desperate sometimes. He does not look that bad, and is rich, like I am sure a lot of girls would date him if he would just change his personality a bit to be less desperate. As a partner, that makes him look very unattractive.

I have no problem with that personality / traits of his that I have mentioned above as a friend. I also have my own weird trait that not all people can accept and he accepted happily ALSO as a friend so it feels really good. The problem arises when HE started to think that because I accepted this trait of him as FRIEND, I can perhaps accepted this also as a PARTNER. This is where he is 100 percent wrong. He isn’t very good at seeing lines.

My criteria of a good friend and a good boyfriend is very much different. Maybe that is why you are confused, Anita. My boyfriend will definitely be my best friend as well, but my best friend is very unlikely to become a boyfriend. It has always been like that for 19 years. I do not date my friends. Once I put someone in the friends zone, they are most likely will always stay there.

I want to keep this friendship if he is on the same page as me. I will somehow try to talk to him and make him understand this. I am not expecting much out of him, because we usually never really think alike on serious stuff but who knows?

That is why I am not sure what the next steps are.

-Mina
- This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Mina.
September 10, 2017 at 12:24 am #168076

Mina
Participant

[Update]

Anita,

Let me ask you these questions, I hope you do not mind.

1. Am I wrong for putting him in the friend zone?

2. Am I wrong to not care about his sad feelings being rejected by me when I NEVER told him to like me, when I have ALSO been making all the signs that I am not over my ex boyfriend not only to him but to a lot of our mutual friends?

3. Is it my fault that HE overestimated MY feelings for HIM? It is all in his head, all of it are assumptions based on how well I treated him as a friend, but he of course, had to make a lot of assumptions that it means that I see him as a potential boyfriend and he is somehow better than my ex boyfriend? Well … he is crazy then, sorry to say that.

4. I do not like how I get INCLUDED into this narrative that I never asked to be a part of and then OF COURSE, I will have to be the one taking care of it. He started this and I have to finish now. Of course. Great. Amazing. If he never liked me, things would be so perfect. I would have one less burden in my life, you know?

Sorry for the rambling, and If I sound defensive / mad, because sometimes I am mad to think about how guys just ASSUME.

-Mina

September 10, 2017 at 4:43 am #168082

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mina:

It’s all in the definitions of the words we use. The word “friend” and the phrase “best friend” or “best guy friend”- what do these mean to you? To him? To me as I read your posts. If you sat with him and gone over the definitions by the two of you and compared, that would be interesting.

In my definition, two best friends like each other. From your posts you don’t like him. And so, for me, the two of you do not qualify for the term “best friends”.

The very fact that this “friendship” (which I would term “association”) troubles you, over time, as much as it has is troubling to me. There is something wrong with the association, otherwise it would not have been a source of conflict and distress as it has been for a while.

Let’s look at a couple of the benefits you experienced in this association: “He paid for my food, picked me and dropped me off”- that felt good and was convenient for you. On the other hand, look at the cost-to-you of this convenience: conflict and distress.

I see lack of honesty in this association, on your part (I am not reading his posts). You simply don’t like him. I think you like the benefits of the association, not the oneyou are associating with, not the person that he is.

To your questions in your last post:

1. Yes, because he doesn’t fit (my) definition of “friend”, especially “best friend”.

2. No, you are not wrong not to care. But you are wrong to… pretend to care for him when you don’t, to pretend to care so to not lose the benefits of the association.

3. It is partly your fault and partly his fault that he overestimated your feelings for him. It is partly your fault because you have been pretending to him that you like him, being dishonest in this regard (see #2).

4. No question there, but my input nonetheless is regarding “one less burden in (your) life”- drop the association and you drop the burden. The benefits of the association do not justify the burden. You are not a victim in this, Mina, one betrayed by your “best friend”. You have been dishonest on your part in an association with a man. If I was you, I would end the association.

anita

September 10, 2017 at 7:18 am #168098

Mina
Participant

Anita,

Thank you for the feedback.

You wrote : “I see lack of honesty in this association, on your part (I am not reading his posts). You simply don’t like him.”

The lack of honesty – that is true. I admit to that, but, how did you come into a conclusion that I do not like him?

You wrote : “I think you like the benefits of the association, not the one you are associating with, not the person that he is.”

What is the difference between these 2? I love the way that he treats me, it means that I am loving him as a person, no?

You wrote : “You have been dishonest on your part in an association with a man. If I was you, I would end the association.”

I will. The benefits of the association do not justify the burden – I agree with you on this statement.

-Mina

September 10, 2017 at 8:41 am #168108

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mina:

You asked: ” how did you come into a conclusion that I do not like him?”

Well, for one thing you wrote that you believe he would like to have you as a girlfriend because you are pretty, a trophy girlfriend. I think that you don’t like a person who sees you superficially, as a “pretty face” alone. It is clear to me that you don’t like him for believing you are a one dimensional pretty face.

You also wrote that he is desperate for a girlfriend. I believe you don’t like a man desperate for a girlfriend.

There is nothing that you wrote about him that indicates to me that you like him. I was able to see only that you like the benefits-of-the-association.

You asked: “What is the difference between these 2? (liking the benefits and not the person supplying the benefits)-

It reminds me of the story of your mother’s friend and the $350 handbag (I think it was) that she hid from her husband when she purchased it in Singapore. The handbag is like the benefits you enjoyed, but the hiding indicates poor quality of relationship with her husband, which is parallel to the poor quality of your association with this young man. She liked the handbag. I don’t think she liked her husband for being a part-reason why she felt scared and hid the handbag.

Regarding your last paragraph- I think it is best, for you and for him. You will have peace of mind and he will have no confusion about the intent of this “pretty face”…

anita

September 10, 2017 at 9:41 am #168124

Mina
Participant

Anita,

Thank you. I understand my situation regarding my friend right now, thank you again for analysing and helping me organising my thoughts. I will no longer stay in contact with this particular person / friend in the future.

I would like it for us to pick up the last topic about my ex boyfriend. I hope you do not mind. I hope you do not get tired. I also hope that this will be the last thread about him that I made here.

We discussed about how important it was for my feelings to be heard by my ex boyfriend. I haven’t reached out to my ex boyfriend until today, mainly because I want to analyse my motive for contacting him before I do.

I am not sure that the reason why I am contacting him is only for him to understand and hear me out. Maybe I really do miss him very much, that I am looking for any logical excuses and opportunities to talk to him. To hear his advices, to give him my advices, to give him a word of encouragement during his hard time, to just catch up with him… to keep each other in a loop again. Even if it is only for a short period of time.

It is also a fact that I am very much struggling with a lot of emotions and unsaid words to him. I keep going back and forth with the plan of contacting him. I am not sure what I should say and what kind of expectations that I should have.

The truth is, I really want us to be able to share openly regarding the break up and our current situation at the moment. I can feel that he isn’t doing so well either, he deleted all of his social media except his chatting application. He did not put anything except for a song attached in it. He always puts depressing songs about how he always believe in himself, that he does not need anyone but himself, most of the songs are about a person who is actually very scared and depressed about the future but he is holding it in because of social or society pressure. Maybe … my ex boyfriend is also pretending like me and he suffers alone just like me too.

I know that all of this are based on my assumptions about him. Maybe I can be completely wrong, but at the same time, I know that there is a huge chance that I am right. Since he isn’t attending any university at the moment, he is doing nothing. Maybe he is back living with his parents since no one has seen him around our university neighbourhood, he had to deal with the choices that he had made alone while waiting for next year semester to start anew in his new university which does not guarantee will make him happier either

I understand him. It was all a choice he made by himself so there is no one to blame but himself if things does not work out well. There is not turning back for him. Me and my ex share the same burden and thoughts, we cannot appear weak to people. We cannot admit that we are indeed depressed because of the stigma in mental issues. We both have to keep our “perfect kids” role for our parents and society standards. We were taught and learnt that no matter how painful it is to get slammed and bumped into a wall, we keep going with a hope that someday the wall will break.

But I realise now how much pain that I get from ignoring my feelings and by keep slamming into that hard wall. know that I am tired. Mentally especially from the break up, the whole self identity question, the whole best friend thing, the whole church thing, and the whole study overseas thing, and discovering my parents expectations of me was also very overwhelming. I want to hear his support. And I want to do the same for him too. I want to support him sincerely as someone who understand completely about his situation.

It might sounds very hopeful and weird. I am aware, but is it really wrong for me to have this kind of expectation from contacting him? We both know that we have no chances of getting back together, but supporting each other as a human being to another human being is basic in my opinion.

I would appreciate your honest thoughts and opinion. I asked a friend and she told me that even though all my ex can provide is probably words of support, maybe I need to hear that from him. Because he is the most important person in my life. Maybe if the words come out of his mouth, I will see a hope in the future. I doubt it though. I am not sure.

-Mina

September 10, 2017 at 10:02 am #168128

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mina:

You wrote above: “Me and my ex share the same burden and thoughts, we cannot appear weak to people. We cannot admit that we are indeed depressed because of the stigma in mental issues. We both have to keep our ‘perfect kids’ role for our parents and society standards”-

Earlier, on this page of the thread, you wrote: “I admired my ex boyfriend, almost in a God like kind of admiration”-

He is no more of a god than you are. It is time, I believe, to drop that admiration. This admiration is not helpful to you, to him, or to now inactive relationship. This admiration harms.

Your parents’ expectations of you; his parents’ expectations of him to be perfect kids, that is.. gods (because no human can possibly be perfect) has and is hurting him and you. Why not bond over this hurt, over this misunderstanding by your respective parents?

Why promote their mistake by looking at him as… a god?

I see no reason to not communicate with him. The preparation I would make before initiating communication with him, if you so choose to do, is to prepare to see your ex boyfriend not as a god, not as a “perfect kid”, but as a struggling peer, an equal.

Be prepared to him not meeting your perfect expectations. Better yet, let him know he can be his imperfect self with you. Neither one of you needs to be perfect with the other. Be just… people, decent, imperfect unsaintly people.

anita

September 10, 2017 at 10:21 am #168140

Mina
Participant

Anita,

Wow – that is all I have and is able to say to reply to your post.

I never realise that I was treating and seeing him just like our parents has been treating us our whole life …. as if we are Gods not human beings. I was wrong to be admiring him in such un-normal ways, I was seeing him the same way that his parents has been seeing him without realising. I feel ashamed.

Do you think that communicating with him will help me at all with my struggles?

I am very scared, I do not know how he will take this from me. The best thing that can happen is him opening up and we can share our feelings honestly, the worst thing that can happen is I will turn our current relationship into something really bad. This can goes either way – is it worth taking the risk?

-Mina

September 10, 2017 at 10:33 am #168144

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mina:

You wrote that “the worst thing that can happen is I will turn our current relationship into something really bad”-

I am not aware of there being a relationship. In my last post I referred to it as an “inactive relationship”. In realistic terms the relationship is non existent. It exists only in your thoughts and feelings.

It is your thoughts and feelings about the past, now-non-existent relationship, that may change and turn “into something really bad”, not the relationship itself. Because, as I pointed out, there is none.

The question then is are you willing to open your mind to what is true and real and let go of convenient thinking, of wishful thinking- are you willing invite reality into your thoughts and feelings?

anita

September 11, 2017 at 3:29 am #168248

Mina
Participant

Anita,

You asked that : “The question then is are you willing to open your mind to what is true and real and let go of convenient thinking, of wishful thinking- are you willing invite reality into your thoughts and feelings?”

Are you telling me to let go of my ex boyfriend?

I believe that I will, I just need .. time and space. To think and see things outside him. I will definitely someday will be able to talk about him without any feelings, but … not now.

-Mina
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