Hello S,

First of all, I want to tell you that its very natural to feel pain, anguish, anger, sadness when one is abandoned, that too without any explanation. So, the best way to reduce those feelings is to accept it. Acceptance of being abandoned, rejected helps one to move forward. Why I am saying so because  almost everyone goes through this in her or his life. We all are human after all. Situation like these makes people more compassionate, wise and strong. If you could realise calmly then you could see that there’s a huge growth trajectory awaiting for you.

Now let me try to analyze whatever happend in your personal life.  Your bf broke up with you over a text  message. If I was at your place then I would have asked myself what is the root cause of my miseries  here

1. Is it that he broke up with me or,

2. Is it he did so over text message without giving any meaningful explanation.

If it the 2nd case then it basically  tells he is very unkind person. He was never serious in this relationship.  Because had he really cared forget love then he must have talked to you about it openly. It also shows that he wasn’t open to you i.e. he could not share you his true feelings maybe he had felt that there’s understanding problem between you both.  This also explains why he shared his one night stand with his friend but not you.

If its the 1st case then he must have some reasons for it like compatibility issue, family issue, he might be attracted to someone else etc. Since he is not completely open to you he might  not tell you the real reason.

And I am sorry to say so, but there might be another reason that he was never interested in you. He was just giving this relationship  a chance to see how things turn out. The outcomes were not as per his expectations  so he decided to quit.

Either way, what is important to realise is you cannot control how others behave or feel or think. If we keep on thinking about other’s  behavior then we are positioning ourself in a very powerless situation. Besides think about it, if he had done this after 2-3 years how you would have felt? Being with someone who is not equally emotionally  invested is a very painful feeling. There were many clues through which you could have observed his investment  e.g. he never introduced you with his friends and family, he asked you to move in and you complied. The real test of relationship  is when differences surface. When everything is convenient  then there’s no depth, be it relationship  in particular or life in general.

I would advice you dear to accept whatever happend. Find meaning in your life. Life is very unpredictable,  most of the things come and go without any  warning or explanation. It is better to be alone than to be with someone who is not sure about you. People easily hide their true feelings. There’s no use to fight them but to make oneself strong enough and rise above such situations.

With lots of love

Shelly

Dear Sox:

I learned from your recent post that he met your father not in the very beginning of the relationship, but three weeks before he broke up with you, and I learned that he told you that he was committed to you: “he said he was.. he was the one who said we are dating; he was the one who proposed the idea of moving in; proposed the idea of moving to other countries; proposed the idea of us having a future together”-

– when a person who doesn’t value following his/her words with action, to tell, say, propose ideas is equal to articulating words- and that is easy and fast, it takes so little time and effort to articulate words.

“I would not pretend to know or understand what ‘actually’ was in his mind because you can never REALLY know what is going on in one’s mind”- I agree, no one can read minds. But after years of being committed to hours per day of learning here, about people’s motivations and behaviors, I can make educated guesses regarding the questions you asked, best I can, at this point:

1. “If he never wanted a long term relationship with me; why make me believe it is serious and that he wants a future with me?”- he didn’t want to live with a discontented woman, so he told you what made you feel temporarily content. When he said those words, with minimal effort and time, you felt content- that was his payoff. It is easier to live with a content person, and it is difficult to live with a discontented person.

2. “Why not just talk to me; tell me?”- because if he told you while living with you that he is not serious about you, that would have made you discontented, hurt and angry. He didn’t want to live with a hurt, angry person. If he broke up with you in-person, he would have exposed himself to your hurt and anger, and he didn’t want that exposure.

3. “Do I not deserve the decency of at least knowing? Or at least do it amicably?”- yes, you do deserve decency, but a man who is not decent doesn’t have decency to guide his behavior. He didn’t have the decency to care about what you deserve, and act accordingly.

4. “Why the hatred and hostility?”- his anger and hostility is likely about having been done wrong by someone long ago, someone who wrongly hurt him and made him feel bad. Fast forward, in the context of relationships, when he feels bad (and it doesn’t matter the reason, or who did wrong to whom), he automatically assumes that the other person did him wrong, and he reacts with anger and hostility.

* “I don’t really know why he broke up; me accepting that I may have pushed him is me trying to make sense of things”- I think that if you didn’t push him at all, the relationship may have lasted longer, but the price for keeping this relationship going would have been you never challenging him, never expressing discontent about him not following his words with actions.. and that’s not the kind of a relationship that I would want for you.

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by .

Dear Sox:

I will start with the easiest question for me to answer:

3. “The possible reason why he ended things the way he did; so that he does not have to face my hurt or anger and he chose the easy way out?.. so that he does not have the whole discussion about ‘us’?”-

Yes.

Your other questions:

1. “He was never serious about me and only pretended to be serious for reasons best know to him?”- like you wrote earlier, and I agreed, no one can read minds. There is no way for me to tell if he was never serious about you, if the thought of marrying you never occurred to him. What is clear is that he refused to tell anyone that he was in a relationship with you, and that indicates that from one point on, or predominantly from one point on, he was not serious about you and that he was indeed pretending otherwise.

2. It is good that to ended right now, because he never had any intentions to have a future with me? Is this not misleading?”- again, I can’t tell what his thoughts were over the months he was in a relationship with you, and there are so many, many thoughts a person has in one day. He may have thoughts at times that he wants a future with you- I will not at all be surprised if he did because.. a person thinks many thousands of thoughts every day.

There are way fewer actions that a person takes every day than the thoughts he/she thinks- so better judge a person’s intentions by their actions, and not by random thoughts. According to his actions, overall, he did not intend to have a future with you.

And yes, if he tells you that he is committed to you but does not follow his words with actions- it is misleading.

4. “He never really cared about me and was only going with it for the sake of it and didn’t care how his actions would affect me?”-

– again, I can’t read his mind or his heart. I am guessing that at times he did care about you, and that you indeed felt that he did, because he did. But feelings change for everyone, and in his case, seems like previous affection was replaced with anger. He liked you.. and then he didn’t.

“If you think there is some other reason why he acted in the way he did; please do tell me”- with the information you shared, I can’t think of any other reason besides what I suggested in my previous post, regarding his anger earlier in his life, as a child, being misdirected at you.

5. “where do you think I faulted based on what I have told you? I would also want to work on myself; if I was at fault”- at this point, I agree with your family and friend who told you that the failure of the relationship was not your fault, not at all. Neither do I think that continuing the relationship would have been a good idea for you.

Regarding working on yourself, that is a good idea for you as it is for anyone and everyone, including myself. I suggest that you learn to evaluate a man based on his words and his actions, that you don’t put much weight on words alone, or on random feelings. Focus on a man’s actions and if he walks his talk and talks his walk, not only in the context of his relationship with you, but in other parts of his life.

When a man lacks the value of walking his talk and talking his walk, don’t pressure him to change because you can’t make him adopt a value that is foreign to him. Leave him instead.

anita