fbpx
Menu

I haven't spoken to my parents since Feb

Home→Forums→Tough Times→I haven't spoken to my parents since Feb

New Reply
Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • October 5, 2017 at 9:06 am #171711
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Leaf:

    As children, and adult children, we often believe what is not true about our parents. The reason is the child’s need to feel safety with the parents, a motivation we often don’t outgrow. So when you wrote: “I know they’re (your parents)  suffering as well not knowing how am I doing or what’s going on with my life”- you may very well be wrong and they are not suffering.

    What is certain is that it is you who are suffering believing your parents are suffering. It is certain because you wrote: “I  know they’re suffering as well…  and that creates huge amount of anxiety for me”.

    You wrote: ” I feel this huge amount of shame and disappointment in myself because I feel like I’ve failed my parents” – when you really see your parents for who they are, when you truly eliminate the motivation to see them as all loving and good in spite of everything, then you realize that … well, your failures are small in comparison. I mean, your mother is secretly dating another man, for one.

    I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.

    anita

     

    October 5, 2017 at 9:24 am #171715
    i_like_advice
    Participant

    Hi Leaf,

    You definitely have a lot going on and a lot to deal with.

    To start–just tell your parents that you got a divorce. I know it’s hard, but imagine they live another 20 years–you’re going to have to tell them at some point. You’re also creating a great deal of anxiety around the fact that you haven’t told them.

    I also really recommend counseling if you can get it in your country. There’s clearly a lot of cross-generational issues going on here–I mean, your mother has cheated and now you have cheated as well. It will be incredibly helpful to explore the emotions associated with all of that in the presence of a licensed professional.

    October 5, 2017 at 9:53 am #171721
    Leaf
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I don’t know if it’s gonna make me feel better if I think less of my parents. I don’t think they’re perfectly loving ones and I think I know their flaws and their weaknesses.

    My anxiety mostly comes from the fear of their disappointment and judgement of me. I don’t know how to face it without a breakdown.

     

    October 5, 2017 at 11:45 am #171747
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Leaf:

    You fear their disappointment and judgment of you because you already experienced it, correct? Your father’s anger for one, that is scary, especially for a child.

    What we are afraid most of is what we already experienced. It felt so badly then, when we experienced it, that we don’t want to experience it again.

    I think it is perfectly fine that you don’t tell them that you are divorced or why you are divorced. If you agree with my understanding, that is, that you already experienced their disappointment and judgment and therefore you are afraid of encountering it again, perhaps it is the right time to attend quality psychotherapy.

    I don’t think that the main issue is telling-them. I think it is the hurt you already felt by their disapproval that you are scared of feeling again.

    anita

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.