Dear limbikanimaria,

Your mother, like yourself, have a certain perception of herself as a human being. And when the identity that she has created through her own perception of the world is threatened in any way, or in your case, a memory of her doing or saying that isn’t aligned with how she thinks of herself, she would then proceed to deny it. So it’s not that she is denying your memory of her so much as she is denying the image that memory is painting of her, which is a person who is caustic toward someone is bulimic. And if your mother is fixated in thinking herself as a good person, and a good person is never cruel to their own children, then you won’t get anywhere regardless of what you do.

You can keep telling her your reality of being bulimic and how her words and actions have triggered some of it, but that doesn’t mean that she has to listen or understand any of it. They have to choose to openly listen to you, even if they can’t understand. But while your mother might be listening, that doesn’t mean that she hears everything, especially when it relate to her. No one wants to be a bad person so if your stories give your mother a bad image, then she won’t accept that as true because she does not think herself as a bad person. And since she is not a bad person, then that means she wouldn’t be cruel toward you. And that is how she see herself in her reality. Just, your reality does not match/align with her reality.

Though you want her to validate your claim because to you, the event did happen. Thus, you want justice equal to the cruel remarks inflicted onto you. You want her to be aware of your pain, you hope for her understanding of how her actions affected you. You want closure on what happened. Because to you, your mother is someone whom you hope will change to this awesome mom whom you can have a close relationship with, if only she would sincerely apologize for her cutting remarks. Because that apology would mark a change in your relationship with each other. Or maybe that’s not what you want at all, but you certainly wish for closure as you still linger on the fact that your mother would not validate a memory of yours.

But closure is a myth if you expect to find it from someone apologizing to you. Closure is not someone doing something, but you letting go of the expectations and hope for closure. Because the more you wish for closure, the more reality will disappoint you as you can’t control other people’s actions. You can hope for an apology, but whether the person in question understand what or why they should apologize is dubious at best and improbable at worse. Why? Because no one wants to be wrong, no one likes setting aside their pride to apologize, no one wants to be a bad person and no one has lived your life; does not see the world through your perception. They cannot see how certain remarks hurt you or why. They cannot understand your pain just as you cannot understand theirs. While your hurt and pain might be a reason for them to apologize, it is still something that is your reason, not theirs. So you might or might not get an apology regarding how much you explain their actions have hurt you.

The best thing for you is to just accept that that your mother will not change. Your mother has chosen to be who she is as she is seen through the reality that you perceive. People rarely take the initiative to change unless they perceived the need to change. And people are generally narcissistic in their perception of being a good person so it’s an exercise in futility in trying to change them somehow. So no matter how much you tell her what you went through, if your stories paint her as a bad person, she might or might not listen. She has the choice to listen, that is her freedom. She can choose to understand and maybe apologize for her actions, but she doesn’t have to. It’d be nice, but it’s her choice to do so.

It does not matter whether she is your mother; she is, first and foremost, an individual, a human being. It’s just that, for whatever reason, she, the human, is your mother in this reality/life. So you decide: accept the reality of your mother as she is or continue hoping that one day in the future, she will somehow change into a better person and finally apologize.