Princelunar72,

I think there are a number of things going on here.
1. Morals
2. Indifference vs. not caring about others (compassion)
3. Your own self love
4. Self improvement

So in regards to morals, being a sensible knave is not a bad thing, it just shows you are an opportunist. Also, we all form relationships with others because the other has something we want. This is our very nature. Being a knave is like being more honest about the terms of the relationship. Maybe you could say that you are a user, you use people until they have nothing else to offer you. You have already stated that you are unhappy with your current state, you don’t want to be like this. Well, i think the issue here is…what are morals? And i think this is what Hume was trying to say, that there is no single definition of morality. For some morality is a way to live one’s life, for others it’s based on their decisions. I would advise figuring out what ‘morality’ and ‘morals’ mean to you. You don’t have to care about everyone you meet, nor do you have to care for them.

You wrote that you no longer feel anything for others, this implies that at some point you did, so what changed? It doesn’t have to be a massive life changing event, it could be small ripples that came to a large conclusion. You have become a lifeless vessel, once again you haven’t always been this way, why? At some point something must of changed in order for you to be here. I graduated highschool in 2008 with a class of 150 students, i have no care in the world for any of them. Does this make me a bad person? In my mind, i don’t hate these people nor like them, i’m indifferent to them. They haven’t continued to impact my everyday existence, so why should i care? The main thing i want to get at here is that being indifferent to people and not caring are two separate things. A lot of people know there are problems in the middle east, it’s not that no one cares, it just doesn’t affect them. We are indifferent. If someone you know gets sick, someone that you treasure and love then you are going to care, but the passerby isn’t going to care, it won’t affect them. I believe we are all indifferent, you simply cannot care about everything, it will drive you insane. What is compassion? No one expects you channel Mother Treasa. Maybe the issue you are having is that you are forcing yourself not to care, forcing yourself to distance yourself because life will be easier?

I also suspect that you don’t particularly like yourself. Of course you have mentioned you feel like you are on autopilot and non-receptive to those that love you. I always find that if people can not look in the mirror at themselves and love what they see, then the root cause is usually your own diminished view of yourself. I think we can feel this way because we look at what we lack, you know…if something was to happen to you right now, what would you leave behind. As humans, we are always wanting more than we actually need. It’s not about what you don’t leave behind, it’s what you take with you. Is this how you feel?

If you feel empty, then you have to find something that makes you feel full. It doesn’t have to be anything big, it just has to be something that reminds you of what you can do, of what you can achieve and who you are. Heck, it could just be something that brings a smile to your face. You are going through a period which is rock bottom. Why? What is currently going on in your life? If you answer, not much, it just lacks purpose, then you have to give your life purpose. You want to change, but don’t know how to. You actually do know how, you have written down what you dislike about your current self, so you should try (if it’s what you want) to do the opposite. Everyday you can make small changes based on what you want to become.

I’m going to leave it here, there are some heavy questions in here. You by no means have to reply to them or any of them. They are mainly things you could consider. I just feel, that we always ask ‘why something’ is happening, rather than ‘how’ is it happening. Take 5-10 mins out of your day and just be by yourself and seek the answers within yourself.
Sincerely,
MAtty

“Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle. Some things are within your control. And some things are not.”
– Epictetus