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I have hurt my partner

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  • #248463
    Elijah1
    Participant

    Hi all, I have been in a relationship with someone for over a year, when things were good they were really good but when they were bad they were really bad.
    We recently went on holiday and I ruined the whole thing we had an argument and I said a lot that I shouldn’t have ! Hurtful things, things that cannot be forgiven. This isn’t the first argument we have had that’s like this but time after time she has forgiven me which I didn’t deserve. We have split up ATM as after looking at it carefully it seems it’s abuse mentally and emotionally and that’s not me!! So I have sought help from professionals but I need more 🙁 she has told me she needs space so I have moved out but I fear that it’s over for good. I have been fighting for access to my children for a couple of years and Tue is the day they are supposed to meet her but again I fear this will not happen. I have experienced a few deaths this year and loads of stress but this is no excuse for the way I have treated my true love 🙁 she was the sweet to my mean. Although she asked for space we did spend one last night together two nights ago it was emotional but great, this is the first time she has ever seen me cry properly as trying to learn how to open up. Please guys some advice

    #248479
    talah
    Participant

    Hi Elijah,

    I have gone through a similar situation. I think you should tell her how you feel but also give her space as you don’t want to push her away further. You could maybe write her a letter to tell her how you feel, which is also a sweet gesture. You seeking professional help is a good call, I think you should continue that to improve your anger and emotions, especially when you are in an argument. In time, if you remain calm and care for her from a distance, I’m sure she will forgive you in time. After you think she is ready to talk, consider couple therapy and ask her if she’d like to do that with you.

    I hope it goes well for you.

    #248483
    Elijah1
    Participant

    Hi Talah, I am scared I have already pushed her away if I am honest…. She is a very calm, loving, down to earth person…. I think I have broken her ? I suggested couples therapy but that was declined ! Maybe it’s just too soon and I know she is still really sore from the pain I have caused with my words ?? I shall let you know how I get on with her. I genuinely couldn’t imagine her not in my life ???

    #248485
    talah
    Participant

    As a girl who has been broken by a man who was my first love. I forgive him. He hurt me really bad but I do forgive him. I do think it is too soon and she needs more time, in the meantime focus on getting yourself better as you want to show her you love and care for her the right way and this isn’t achieved by begging or pestering her. She is angry and hurt now, but I do believe she will forgive you. When you are better and stronger, you can come back and talk to each other in the right state of mind because right now too many emotions are involved. No matter what, she will always be a part of your life, especially as she is the mother of your kids. You can let me know how you get on with her, I am more than happy to help.

    #248489
    Elijah1
    Participant

    Hi again no she isn’t the mother to my children but she was to meet them for the first time this Tuesday coming ?she has two children who I get on with very well and we have a dog together,  and thing is I have hurt her more than once :+( but the second she said it was emotional abuse that was me I sought help ….. She doesn’t deserve that ??? I’m hoping you are right and thanks again

    #248493
    talah
    Participant

    Hi sorry, my bad. And trust me, I have been through that and I can tell you she loves you but is just hurt, within time she will forgive you slowly. And no worries.

    #248501
    Elijah1
    Participant

    Hope you are right :+)

    #248503
    Elijah1
    Participant

    Lies can be untold and hearts can mend … I will wait for her

    #248511
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Elijah:

    I suggest you keep seeking and taking  the help you need to  manage your anger  so that you are never again abusive to another, be it  a girlfriend or worse, your own children when you do access them.

    I had  great  trouble managing my own anger but learned starting with my  first  quality psychotherapy and  ongoing  work to endure my distress without reacting to  it impulsively, any which way. For a long time  it was  about suffering that distress, wanting to say things but resisting the urge. There are different skills I learned in psychotherapy, emotional regulation skills, to lessen the intensity of distress so to be less  reactive.  My therapist referred to those  skills as a box of  tools and you pick a tool that fit the  circumstance at  any particular time, anything  from taking a long  walk outdoors too a  guided short meditation (mindfulness theme), to CBT exercises  (challenging a thought that caused  the  distress) and more.

    anita

    #248543
    Elijah1
    Participant

    Hi Anita I have never ever abused my children and wouldn’t dream of it I have been seeing them since they were born and this last year at a contact centre.. it wasn’t until my partner pointed out that it was abuse that’s when I sought immediate help

    I intend to work as long as it takes even if it’s the rest of my life … For me ! Then maybe one day she can see the change. And I shall bear in mind what you have said. Thanks

    #248591
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Elijah:

    You are welcome and  I  wish you well.  Anytime you want to post here, please do.

    anita

    #248721
    Elijah1
    Participant

    Talah you there ?

    #252043
    talah
    Participant

    Hello Elijah, sorry for the late reply, but yes I’m here.

    #252117
    Elijah1
    Participant

    My partner or ex partner has read through this and she says I haven’t told everything I forgot to put in the post that I had lied to her about things and thought I should let you know and some were big lies some were small can I ask what it was your partner done to you or is that personal ?

    #253105
    talah
    Participant

    What were the things you lied about?

    My ex partner hurt me a lot, he would go clubbing all the time and not make time for me, he made excuses for everything, he was very out going and would make me feel left out, when we argued he never understood how I felt and would always make stupid excuses instead of listening and understanding. We broke up for a different reason but I forgive him for all those things because he was young, he was still growing and learning, I wasn’t helping either, I was being too naggy and would question everything. But the space apart made us grow as two different people, we are now friends who respect each other, he wants another chance and I would give him another chance if things were different but I’m deep into another relationship and time has went on too much.

    Now in terms of my new partner, I am happy and love him but he has also made me feel hurt. He gets angry sometimes and when he does it’s really bad, he becomes cold toward me, he doesn’t want to be near me, he talks very bluntly too. This is something he needs to work on but other than that, he is my best friend, he is the man who knows me inside out, who cares for me deeply, who has made me feel special like no one ever has. No one ever has a picture perfect relationship, we all get put through tests and have to overcome hard obstacles. You know its real when you overcome those obstacles, I understand if you have tried so hard and theres no other way other than to walk away, but you don’t know unless you try. Never make permanent decisions on temporary feelings, because you will regret not giving that one last chance later on.

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