I have feelings for my friend & he does too but doesn't want a relationship

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This topic has 7 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.

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December 30, 2017 at 3:12 pm #184443

Peter
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You already know what you need to do – “I feel like I need to stop being in contact with him” – You just don’t want to do it

Is it possible your looking for advice that validates your not doing what you know you need to do and so keeping things as they are? Trust your intuition and pull the bandage off… the relationship isn’t going to go where you dream it might… if only.

“At some point, you just pull off the Band-Aid, and it hurts, but then it’s over and you’re relieved.” ― John Green

When a guy or woman says they want you around but does not want a relationship outside of friendship then there playing you and or don’t know what they want other then a safety net… it may not be a intentional but either way its not fair to you. The probability is that a part of him likes having you to validate and care for him not to mention the ego boost. He might not be aware of these benefits but that is what your giving to him while you are not getting what you need.

You know what you need to do. This back and forth can be played for years but playing it is up to you.

December 30, 2017 at 10:23 pm #184463

Alaska
Participant

Hi Peter,

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

You are right when you said ” Is it possible your looking for advice that validates your not doing what you know you need to do and so keeping things as they are?”

Although I know the answer to my dilemma and know what needs to be done , I am struggling to do it because of the fear of losing him completely. At the same time it’s hard for me when I think of him with other women. Just feels like I’m emotionally attached to him and need to cut loose and move on and not keep waiting for him but seems like the hardest thing to do right now and the fear of losing him completely is holding me back.

December 31, 2017 at 4:21 am #184467

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Alaska:

You wrote that you backed off when he told you he had a long distance girlfriend, and later, when he no longer had a girlfriend, but started seeing other women, you “backed off again and stayed quiet in the background”. Staying quiet in the background means that you place him in the center of your mind, your life, and you place yourself in the background… of your own life.

“I suppress my feelings and hide the fact that I’m hurting”- this is what a person does in the background of her own life.

He told you that “he was sorry for disregarding (you)”- to disregard means to pay no attention, to ignore… to brush aside, to the background of his own life. He told you “that he already knew about (your) feelings”, and he… ignored those, brushed them aside because his feelings needed to be attended to.

The two of you then had a meeting of the minds in regard to whose feelings needed to be voiced, expressed and attended to.

This is not a healthy situation, long term, for you. At times, when a person is hurting, it makes sense to attend to his feelings, but long term, you can’t stay in the background in this way and be emotionally healthy.

Time to put yourself in your rightful place: the center of your own life. Let empathy for others take you out of that center only that far and only that long, then come back to you. After all, you have your own pain to attend to.

I hope you post again.

anita

December 31, 2017 at 7:35 am #184469

Eliana
Participant

Hi Alaska,

I am sorry you are having to go through this. I feel since you were there for him while he was going through such a hard time, now he needs to do the same for you. He knows how you feel for him, and that it pains you greatly and distresses you when you see him, because it creates an even more intense emotional bond, the best thing he can do for you is “return the favor” and have no contact with you. If he is down, depressed, sad, I am sure he has another friend or family member. He has leaned on you too much, to the point where he is using you whenever he needs a shoulder to cry on, and this is not treating you right. He may be unaware of the emotional toll it is taking on you, but I would cut off all ties with him, until these feelings you have for him go away.

Maybe in a few months you can be his friend again. But right now, tell him you would appreciate it if he would not text, call or e-mail you, that you need space and time. He needs to respect that. Make sure you don’t follow him on Social media. Please keep posting with your thoughts or comments, and have a Happy New Year. x

January 3, 2018 at 10:36 pm #184957
Alaska
Participant
Dear Anita and Eliana,

Thank you for your thoughtful replies. After reading your replies I self reflected and realised that I am putting this guy or for that matter a lot of other people’s feelings before mine. So much so that I often neglect my own.
I told him how I felt and that it’s not healthy for me to be in contact with him right now but instead of understanding I need my space he’s been calling and texting me everyday saying he is worried and wants to be there for me without defining our relationship and wants to make me feel better but what he isn’t willing to understand is that this, in fact isn’t making me feel any better.
If I see that he has called or texted, it plays on my mind the entire day and I feel uneasy avoiding him. Seeing his name pop up on my screen brings back all those feelings again often interrupting my personal and work life.

Thank you for your patience and for reading my posts. Happy new year x
- This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by Alaska.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by Alaska.
January 4, 2018 at 1:30 am #184963

Eliana
Participant

You’re welcome, post anytime..☺

January 4, 2018 at 6:14 am #184983

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Alaska:

I think a key sentence in understanding your struggle is this: “I am struggling to do it because of the fear of losing him completely”-

leads me to think that in an early relationship, one with a parent, likely, you had very little attention and to get more of that very little, to not lose that little, you had to lose yourself, that is, to place your parent’s needs above yours, to attend to him or her and not to yourself.

What do you think?

anita
Author

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