Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→I have chosen to leave AA
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April 5, 2017 at 12:43 pm #143743
JenniferParticipantAt 25 years old I saw a counselor for the first time since I was a teen because I was tired; so tired. I had left my boyfriend (who had driven….) during a camping trip 900 miles from home and endured a self induced, expensive, and time consuming journey back home. This was absolutely a pattern, I’ve historically been a “runner”. I’ve run from jobs, friendships, responsibility, and myself. She told me she could not help me unless I quit drinking; handing me a meeting schedule. Months later she was still asking about how it was going, and while I would attend meetings here and there I was not convinced that was going to be the sole Solution.
My behavior coupled with some AA experience made an impression and at 27 I got sober. I celebrated a year and during that time I found something I’d never had before; clarity. No longer did I need to describe my deep and urgent need to leave as “a switch just flips”. Now I began to see clearly the fears driving my choices. Nothing actually changed; fear, anxiety, love, excitement….those emotions have always remained. But my choices while in these emotions, whether slightly or strongly felt, have been in alignment with my own personal intuition.
I believe AA exhibits a program that works, however I also believe that to some extent it has an undertone that expresses a subtle idea that nothing else will. Having left sobriety, people have expressed deep concern for my well-being, which further exacerbates the previously mentioned undertone. There are many principals, ideas, insights, and self reflective work that I choose to continue.
So with all that said, the point I think I’m trying to get to is that this feeling of guilt, small but visceral, is somewhat unnerving. It inspires doubt in my choice, and anxiety ensues. In trying to quiet my mind and allow no decision to be my current decision, I found tiny Buddha and wanted to share with a seemingly objective third party. Guilt was a feeling I was deeply familiar with prior to picking up drugs and alcohol, and I’ve since learned I’m no ones higher power and cannot exert such a force upon them, just as they can’t upon me. Feelings aren’t facts.
With that im seeking a suggestion or perhaps the sharing of a similar experience.
April 5, 2017 at 6:47 pm #143833
AnonymousGuestDear Jennifer:
I am trying to understand your share: at 25 you saw a counselor for the first time who handed you an AA meeting schedule. At 27 you got sober followed by a year of sobriety. During that year you got clarity, insight, was able to endure anxiety and feelings without automatically reacting the way you used to (running away from yourself, others, jobs, responsibilities).
You have mixed feelings about AA, disliking the idea presented that it is the only way. You withdrew from AA, now drinking but working on healing in other ways (other than AA). And you feel guilty for quitting AA. Did I understand correctly?
anita
April 6, 2017 at 5:56 am #143901JenniferParticipantExactly! I feel doomed in some way, even though I now have evidence that there were ups and downs in life regardless of being sober.
April 6, 2017 at 6:17 am #143909AnonymousGuestDear Jennifer:
AA is not necessary for every individual who seeks healing. There is healing been done outside AA and there is a lot of no-healing in AA.
AA is a social support network. It provides people with rules, literature, meetings, sharing in front of others, socialization, taking on responsibilities in the meeting (secretary, making coffee, etc.) rituals (the celebration of sobriety) and that helps a lot, to a lot of people. For one thing, it keeps a person occupied, so while in a meeting, one doesn’t drink. And then, if a person likes drinking in company, as in a bar, the social person gets to have company in AA.
No, AA is not the only way, not for a lot of people. The most promising thing you mentioned about your healing is that you were/ are able to endure distress without reacting to it any which way. How are you taking on healing, now that you are out of AA? And what is the nature of your drinking?
anita
April 6, 2017 at 7:31 am #143923JenniferParticipantRather than spend most evenings going to meetings after work, I’ve been taking my dog for walks, going to the gym, spending time with my boyfriend and family. I’ve been using guided meditation at night if I have trouble sleeping.
Since “going out”, my drinking has been in bars on the weekend. I love the energy, atmosphere, and dancing. I find myself talking about the same things and in the same way as I did with people in AA…..they are not the only crew who live life with depth and curiosity. I do find it harder to do mundane redundant things now. When I started in AA I was a traveling nurse. I’ve since “stopped running” and work a boring 9-5 for an insurance company that is stable, predictable, and has good benefits. More than wondering how I wound up in AA back then….I now wonder how I wound up here, now. I want to get back to where I was with a feelings my of freedom, rather than feeling trapped now. I’m trying, though, to move slowly and consciously through these things without blaming AA for anything….including the guilt I’ve been feeling. The drinking hasn’t been negative, my feelings in general haven’t changed, it’s the urgency that I’d note more now.
April 6, 2017 at 7:58 am #143927AnonymousGuestDear Jennifer:
Reads to me like you’ve been doing well outside AA. There is a strong element of religion to AA, the message that AA is the one and only way to well being, but it is not true. Also, not all drinkers are the same. There are drinkers who will drink until they pass out, every time. Often people who identify themselves as Alcoholics, in AA, are casual drinkers or moderate drinkers who had a few episodes of drunkenness, which “qualifies” them to identify themselves as Alcoholics.
You wrote that you have trouble handling the mundane, stationary nature of your current job. I didn’t understand what you meant by “the urgency” that you note more now…?
anita
April 6, 2017 at 8:27 am #143933JenniferParticipantI so appreciate you speaking with me….one thing I think I may have lost was the self reliance I once had, which “failed me”. I find myself unable to make a choice unless I share it with 2 or 3 people, which had never been innate. Right now I’m afraid to make any decisions and/or don’t know where to start. I’ve been in this non-clinical position for about 6 months now. The urgency is in getting my life back to where it was; traveling nursing, free time to adventure, but with the ability to connect with people which I’ve gained in this process.
I want my old life back while keeping the many positive gains achieved through trying another approach with AA.
April 6, 2017 at 8:49 am #143937AnonymousGuestDear Jennifer:
You are welcome. So you need to keep running, only with wise self discipline, correct? Balance the freedom you exercised before AA with the discipline you learned there?
Traveling nurse would be a way to balance: you run and get paid for it, you get the adventure element you need, away from the-same-old-same-old of your current job.
Competent psychotherapy, if you are not attending one currently, can help in that balancing act, in your work and in your personal life.
Freedom with responsibility (some thoughtfulness, planning), that will work for you, won’t it?
anita
April 6, 2017 at 9:30 am #143941JenniferParticipantYes, I miss it. That feeling of being tired has not left but my motivation is starting to improve and I’m writing lists of what I need to do next to help organize and subdue my thoughts. I need to renew my nursing license in a couple states, get a position back in the hospital to get recent experience (a prerequisite for any agency is having worked in the position you’re applying within the last 4-6 months), and get recertification for acls, pals, and bls.
It’s the urgency with which I wish to accomplish this and the difficulty in doing so because of the hours I currently work that I’m finding unmanageable, so maybe that’s where the psychotherapy would come in, I’m sure. But I must admit I’m reluctant to consider that as an option as my last experience focused only on my drinking or on medications as a cure.
April 6, 2017 at 9:37 am #143943AnonymousGuestDear Jennifer:
Interview the next therapist, preferably during an initial free session, in person (or on the phone) and make sure she/ he is not going to focus- or even mention- drinking and medications. It is a reasonable requirement, on your part, for the purpose of hiring a therapist.
anita
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