Dear Masha:

You wrote (your girlfriend suggested to you that): “my home situation isn’t healthy. That my parents depend too much on their child. And honestly, it might be unhealthy.”

It may be true, what she suggested, which you considered yourself. If your mother depended on you too much before she got sick, that would be telling.

Thing is, the relationship with your girlfriend is not healthy either, is it? She complains to you about you. She didn’t present problems as things for the two of you to work on as a team.

Reads to me that her concern is being number one in your life, her concern is her position in your life, not your well being.

Am I correct?

anita

Dear Masha:

Reads to me that what you said to your mother is bothering you a whole lot. What is it that you said to her?

anita

Dear Masha:

You wrote: “I said some really hurtful things to my mom because I listened to my gf… terrible thing… very egoistic”. In your recent post you wrote that you told her: “I need space, that she is asking too much from me.”

What is it that you view as terrible:

Is it that you didn’t feel at all that your mother was asking you for too much and that you said it only so to please your girlfriend

Or is it that refusing any of your mother’s requests a terrible thing (Did you ever refuse any of her requests, before or after her sickness)?

anita

Hi Masha,

It looks like you have gotten some great advice. However, being someone who too suffers from abandonment issues from a very traumatic and neglectful childhood (which took years of Psychotherapy to overcome), it sounds as if your girlfriend has issues from perhaps a traumatic past. Perhaps a parental authority figure from her childhood left her, and unfortunately, if unresolved, this will follow us into our future relationships in adulthood..creating a cycle of co-dependency, constant fear, anxiety, anger, lashing out when left alone etc.

Unless one enters Psychotherapy to get fears of abandonment resolved, any relationship, will suffer. As the abandonment will manifest from the unmet needs of the parental figure on to you. Your girlfriend getting angry and saying you are “putting her second” is coming from fear she most likely had as neglect or trauma from a dysfunctional past, and this can only be resolved with therapy. She “clings” to you in a desperate fashion as not to be left, and you can’t fix her. There is nothing your mother is doing is wrong. Our parents took care of us when raising us, so it is our turn to take care of them when they become sick. When your girlfriend has constant fear and anxiety, she can’t have goals or dreams unless she enters quality Therapy..to get issues resolved. There is a great book called “I love you, don’t leave me” it is a great book for loved ones with abandonment, co-dependent issues as well as the person who suffer from this. My therapist have me this book to read when I was in therapy, and when I find myself falling into my old patterns, I read the book and workbook that comes with it. There is also a great book called “Co-dependent no more” by Melody Beattie. I hope things get better with your mom.

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Eliana.