Home→Forums→Tough Times→I have been through a lot but i don't think people close to me recognize that.
- This topic has 4 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 10 months ago by
Jonny.
-
AuthorPosts
-
June 28, 2014 at 9:34 pm #59838
@Jasmine-3ParticipantHey Jonny,
You have your support. Hey mate, do everything that your heart wishes when and how. Don’t be hard on yourself, pls.
Live in the moment and practice giving some love to yourself. Perhaps, consider repeating positive affirmations to self in front of mirror each day.
Trust me, life gets better when we are easy on self.
You are awesome as you are and believe in that.
Best wishes,
Jasmine
June 28, 2014 at 11:34 pm #59841
MattParticipantJonny,
Whew, you’re one tough dude. I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand the tasteless and dreary state we can find ourselves in sometimes. As jasmine kindly noted, you’re turning your strength inward, suffering over your suffering. Dumped by a girl, grieving the loss, but feeling ashamed of your feelings, suffering that you’ve been suffering. With mom, college, girls, drugs… its no wonder your concentration is depleted. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
Sometimes when the wind howls, lots of leaves rustle. The mind gets all kicked up, thoughts springing everywhere. It can give the appearance of ADD, such as random distracting thoughts and stories leading our mind away from where we wish it to be. Trying to study, thinking about the gf. Trying to prepare mentally and emotionally for an exam, thoughts of mom. Dear brother, its not because you’re weak… far from it. You’re over stressed. Too much too fast, and of course we get overwhelmed. Even Superman has to recharge.
There are some things we can’t really control. Buddha taught it such as death, old age and disease just happen. Mom’s mental illness, ex gf, etc… stuff doesn’t always shine and dance with butterflies and fairies.
The good news is that we can ride those experiences with grace. If we learn to self nurture, such as take better care of ourselves, learning to de-stress, unwind, let go… yesterdays peaks and valleys kind of melt away, leave our mind more peaceful and smooth. What do you do to self nurture? To take your own hand and find a little space, comfort?
My favorite is metta meditation, which may benefit you in many ways. It helps to produce, very directly, a peaceful mind, concentrated mind. Metta is the warm feeling of friendship, such as we might feel when we hug a scared little kitten, wanting her to know that she is seen, loved. As we wish for happiness for self and others, over time and practice, we feel happiness, stability. The mind kicks out less, kicks in less. That stability lasts through the stressors, making it more like a dance than a grind. Such as “I hate math” might become “math is such a tricky puzzle, I wonder what’s there?” Said differently, when we cultivate metta, we have more space to work with our environment peacefully. In action, and thought. Consider “ajahn brahm guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. If there’s a garden or park you could do it in, even better! Let nature help one of her children, she’ll reach back if you reach out. 🙂
Finally, you’re not alone in your pain, troubling emotions, and confusion. Our paths can be tricky, but your pain is actually common, a teacher that helps you find what you’re looking for. It comes in different ways for different folks, but there is always hope in our struggle because it reveals our path toward joy. And you’re already walking it, believe it, and the strength you’ve built will remain… long after the clouds clear.
Namaste, dear brother, may your heart find healing, and your mind, peace.
With warmth,
MattJune 29, 2014 at 4:43 am #59846
Warrior of LightParticipantJonny…
You have been having one chaotic and hellish experience, and I admire your courage to share with us. It takes a lot of bravery and strength to even own your experience, let alone be vulnerable and exposed.
Something that comes to my mind regarding the end of your relationship is: the betrayal of disengagement. I know this very well as I’ve been on both the receiving end and the giving end; and most recently the receiving end.
Here’s a quote from Brene Brown’s “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead” that may help put the betrayal of disengagement in perspective:
“In fact, the betrayal usually happens long before the other ones (cheating, lying, choosing other people over us, breaking confidence). I’m talking about the betrayal of disengagement. Of not caring. Of letting the connection go. Of not being willing to devote time and effort to the relationship… When the people we love or with whom we have a deep connection stop caring, stop paying attention, stop investing, and stop fighting for the relationship, trust begins to slip away and hurts starts seeping in. Disengagement triggers shame and our greatest fears – the fears of being abandoned, unworthy, and unlovable. What can make this covert betrayal so much more dangerous than something like a lie or an affair is that we CAN’T POINT TO THE SOURCE OF OUR PAIN (emphasis mine) – there’s no event, no obvious evidence of brokenness. IT CAN MAKE YOU FEEL CRAZY (emphasis mine).”
I had this betrayal occur in my life after being blindsided with the end of a 3 year relationship with my girlfriend, who I anticipated on marrying and spending the rest of my life with. She pretty much straight up told me she wasn’t happy and didn’t want to be with me any more. I can still hear those words to this day. Heartbreaking pain, utter darkness, and emptiness hardly convey my experience. While my girlfriend didn’t cheat on me with another person, she cheated on me with her work, which to her was way more important than our relationship. I too asked similar questions as you have: “Why did this end?” “What did I do wrong?” “How could I not see this coming?” “When did we become totally disconnected from each other?” I ruminated on these questions and the break up every day for months on end. I never got an answer and most likely never will, and that is what made the break up even more painful… because I will never truly know.
For quite a while I moved back and forth through the first 4 of 5 stages of Kubler-Ross’s Stages of Loss and Grief: 1) Denial and Isolation; 2) Anger; 3) Bargaining; 4) Depression. I isolated and denied I was affected by the break up. I yelled and screamed how much I hated her dragging me along in an empty relationship (although not to her face). I pleaded to god my willingness to give up everything in order to be back together, and I cried enough to warrant a flash flood warning. I did this for at least a year after our break up because there was literally nothing else I could do. Also, like yourself, I just needed to get my thoughts and feelings out.
Now what helped me get to Kubler-Ross’s 5th stage of Acceptance was a culmination of getting my Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology from Naropa University (a Buddhist-inspired school); mindfulness/meditation practices (especially the metta practices Matt mentioned); and having the courage to express my hurt, fear, and vulnerability to others (therapist, friends, family, group process class). Can I say I’m 100% healed? Heck no! But I do feel more accepting of myself and my experience, and WAAAAY more compassionate towards the painful experiences which make me feel SOOO exposed and vulnerable.
You’re not alone! Even though I don’t know you and may never meet you, my heart goes out to ya brotha!
With loving-kindness,
WestonJune 29, 2014 at 12:26 pm #59855
JonnyParticipantYou know… A lot of what you guys have said has really struck a chord for me. So thank you for that. It’s also good to know that there are people out there who can relate to me who aren’t just angry and bitter. Because I have found many people who were like that; the people I did drugs with, people I interacted with at the college, people at my old work. I would try to help them too. That’s how I would try and be a friend. I would help those who opened up to me. I would let them know it was okay to open up to me. I told them I wouldn’t judge. I thought that by reaching out and caring I would uphold those friendships for a long time. But there are only a few good friends who I have kept in contact with. And that’s okay. It’s better to have a few good true friends than a lot of fake ones.
-
AuthorPosts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 