Everyone has internal dialog that questions motivations and such. We berate ourselves for not being as confident and self-assured as we ‘pretend’ to be. (in stories this is often symbolized by the evil step mother – instead of nurturing our selves we put ourselves down which can become a unhelpful habit even a addiction)

On my latest employment review, I was giving high scores for remaining calm in difficult situations. I could only smile as inwardly I feel I’m often in a state of panic. Begs the question what is real – the ‘negative internal dialog’ or my outer actions? Who am I?

Both are real in that I experience them however neither are me. I find Buddhist thought helpful here as the self as we tend to imagine it to be is always changing and so does not exist as a fixed ‘thing’. I am not my thoughts, I am not my memories, I am not my actions…  ‘I am’

I’m trying to express a similar idea behind fear and courage. Courage and fear are related is that we exercise courage when we overcome fear. No fear, no courage required.  If we define ourselves by our thoughts we might say we are full of fear if we measure ourselves by our actions we might say we are courageous.

Someone who practices mindfulness and meditation might say such labeling is unskillful and stop asking the question. It is enough that we can act even when afraid, and for those time we can’t forgive ourselves and work to do better.

I don’t want to go down the rabbit hole here, however I hope you can see that our inner dialog does not always match how we are in the world and that’s a good thing. So give yourself a break.

Much of the anxiety your experiencing comes from the tension your creating between labeling yourself based on a negative internal dialog and the how you act in the world – your persona.  Because the labels seem to contradict each other you label your actions fake, a facade, you’re only pretending… Faking it till you make it (which is what we all do) however you can’t acknowledge when you make it because you labeled it as a facade.

In the words of Yoda ‘there is no try only do’ You aren’t faking it your doing the best you can with what you have despite the negative self talk.  Its clear from your post that you work really hard to do better when you learn better. What more would you ask of anyone.

Work on avoiding labeling yourself base on negative self talk. Pay more attention to how you actually are relating to others. Be honest and become a master of your stories – vice letting your stories master you.

Mindfulness allows me to notice that my thoughts don’t always determine how I act. Though I may be afraid I often act with courage in the face of that fear.  Mindfulness reveals that who ever ‘I’ am my thoughts and actions don’t necessary define me.  This creates the space where I might observe (detached) my thoughts and actions and more often then not come to a realisation that my fear is False Evidence Appearing Real (F.E.A.R.).

Mindfulness reveals that Everyone, EVERYONE struggles with this fear of ‘being found out’ and fake. (Does that shock you?)  But that it is almost always false evidence, we aren’t being fake were working on our becoming, when we are trying we are doing. This realisation opens the door to compassion for ourselves and others.

You F.E.A.R. That you look like someone who doesn’t have their act together. (look like implies you know as some level that this issue is about perception and not reality) No matter how many people tell you that you look like someone who has it together you won’t believe them because you have decided that you are your thoughts.

As our thoughts are constantly changing this must be overwhelming and begs the question which thought are you?  The tendency is to pick the most negative which allows you to create what you Fear and make the false evidence real.

The good news is that if we create what we fear mindfulness allows us to create what we hope for.

If your authentic intention is to create strong relationships and not sabotage them by creating conditions that reinforce your negative thinking you might start to work on becoming more skillful and compassionate with your thoughts.

Hi Lucas,

I have the same internal voice. I really love the episode of Bojack Horseman S04E06 – this might get my comment moderated out, unsure about the policy on this, but whatever: it’s called Stupid Piece of Sh*t. It’s the first/only time I’ve seen that voice so accurately portrayed in pop culture. It’s a combination of negative self talk and existential crises all rolled into one.

I was talking to my brother about it – we both have the voice, seems to especially crop up in people who have tendencies toward perfectionism who have also been abused. One thing we both realized was that the voice is very good at grabbing onto “real” information about our failures in order to get its foot in the door, and then it just lays into us with all manner of constant abuse.

My other thought on your post is that you’re not really having problems with intimacy per say.

Like say intimacy is inviting someone into your house. You know your house is a mess. The wallpaper is peeling and floorboards are rotting and you’ve let trash pile up everywhere. And you’re like “Why can’t I just invite them to live in here with me? What is wrong with me?”

I mean, 1) because you don’t want them to see your trash and think poorly of you and 2) because you know if you’re this terrible to yourself, why should you make others live in your trash? You’re trying to protect them from yourself.

You have a trash-house problem, not an invitation problem.

What I did, and what a lot of people do, is to find someone else whose house is also full of trash, and invite them in. Because they already live in trash, so what’s the big deal?

Needless to say, if this metaphor is making any sense, inviting people with their own problems to share yours can get very, very messy. I’m not saying don’t do it, but I am saying it wasn’t the answer, it didn’t help my original trash-house problem, and we did end up hurting each other a lot. We also ended up helping each other a lot. In the end I realized I had to fix my house myself. Once I did that, inviting people in was so much easier. I don’t live in the cleanest house these days, but it’s better than it used to be and I feel okay about having people inside every once in a while. In other words, it’s still a struggle, but the struggle is less hard.

My advice would be to try to stop beating yourself up for not being okay with intimacy. You’re just giving that negative voice another piece of ammo. I’ve jumped out of a plane twice, and it’s awesome. Sharing my intimate emotional feelings is a thousand times harder than that. So you’re not abnormal, or we’re both abnormal together.

Another thing I do is that if I’m trying to solve a problem (my next job, for instance) and that voice is arguing with me, I put aside solving the problem until I have more control over that voice. The voice is an expert at ruining every attempt to make a decision or positive change in my life. I try to focus on the day to day and stockpile positive experiences until I feel up to trying to think through my life again.

Take walks, call friends, pet a cat, eat a favorite food, whatever I do that makes me feel good. Maybe even help others, but do it with the knowledge I’m really trying to help myself. (*cough*this post for example *cough* 😉 )

Once I’m in a better mental place, try approaching my decision-making again. This makes me slow sometimes to get things done, but I try to be okay with that and forgive myself for not “living up to my potential”.

I try to tell myself: this is my best, and that is okay. It sounds so stupid and simple but it’s the hardest thing in the world to let go of that loathing and frustration. I hope you can find some strategies and get some peace. Good luck to you!