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I have a difficult time with his sister.

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  • March 26, 2017 at 10:54 am #142193
    Anonymous
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    Dear Trixy:

    Understandably, you have a difficult time with his sister and with her influence over your boyfriend. Reads to me that you have been practicing lots of patience regarding this significant 3 months per year issue.

    I suppose things run smoothly when she is not present because what she brings into the situation is aggression. Things can’t run smoothly when aggression is involved.

    Your boyfriend, no matter how old he is and what assertiveness he may practice in his professional life is … well, not assertive with her. Somehow during their growing up years (those Formative Years), she took on the dominant role to him (and others), and he- the submissive role to her.

    What to do?  Short term competent psychotherapy, a few sessions (maybe in the context of a couple therapy with you… I assume the sister will not be a willing participant)- where he will gain some insight into this dominant/ submissive relationship and learn some assertiveness skills to practice with her.

    If I was you, my attitude with him on the matter will be gentle. I would be as calm as I can be. His sister is disrespectful, pushy, demanding; I would be respectful, patient, always respectful of his right to make his own choices.

    The situation with his sister would be unacceptable to me, simply something very difficult to endure. I would aim toward a resolution. He has to change the dynamic.

    I don’t think there is anything at all you can do by communicating with his sister because her-way-or-the-highway MO works for her. Your only chance is to communicate with him because he may be tired at times accommodating her, he may be resentful of “having to” accommodate her. His discontent with the present (and lifetime) dynamics with her, will make his motivation to change it possible. She is not likely to be motivated.

    Your thoughts?

    anita

     

    March 26, 2017 at 10:57 am #142195
    Anna Smith
    Participant

    Hey Trixy,

    Reading this – I have to be honest – makes me feel as if maybe you have not necessarily understood that family, no matter how irritable and annoying may be, is forever. She was in your boyfriend’s life from the very beginning, long before you. They’re lucky to be close enough and to be able to see each other several times a year (I know I don’t have this luxury with my sister). It is, to me, no wonder that he wants to spend his time with her when she is in town. That’s what she’s there for, isn’t it? To see her family?

    I understand that she may be annoying and bother you to no end – believe me, I’ve been there. But the most terrible thing you can do is come between your boyfriend and any member of his family. You issue with her is yours alone, and your boyfriend should be kept very, very far from it. When she’s in town, I’m not understanding why you would want to schedule a date night with him instead – always expect that he wants to spend time with her (as he should). You see him whenever you want – so when she’s in town, back away for that month. He won’t spend every waking moment with her, anyway. It’s just unfair if you try to impose plans and actively exclude her from them when she’s in town to be with your boyfriend and their mother.

    In my opinion, you will break up because of this unless you make some heartfelt changes of your perception of the situation. Again, your issues with her are your own, so you’re not obliged to hang out with her if you don’t want to. You can maintain whatever distance you choose to, but don’t ever bring your boyfriend into it. Even if she’s bringing him into drama and whatever else, at the end of the day that is his sister and it is his choice to become involved. Judging his sister will only push your boyfriend farther from you in the end.

    My honest advice: never speak badly about a family member to your partner unless absolutely necessary, as in, if they’ve personally insulted and hurt you maliciously. Otherwise, keep out of her business and let your boyfriend spend as much time as he wants with her when she’s in town, and let him get wrapped up in whatever drama and issues he chooses to.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Anna Smith.
    • This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Anna Smith.
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