So, this is a serious enquiry about a huge childhood mistake that has been torturing my brain. So when I was 14 almost 15 I reached puberty, I was a “late bloomer”, but as a child I had a very rough time adjusting to things as I had serious, very serious family problems, dad attacking mum and mum depressed etc. But it’s not about making up guilt but my dad also was very strict and hit me more than once but I am still talking to him as these have only just reserficed in my head. I am not trying to make an excuse but I want to give proper detail and hope to God never harm anyone through my choice of words as i do not think what I did was right in any respect.

As a child I got into some rough porn and started masterbating at a young age cause I thought if I went on different porn sites my mum wouldn’t know. I got into, what I now realise is sickening, porn. I was watching it and the comments were worse and as a naive child I believed this is what sex was. I never got spoken to sex about because parents went through horrible stuff. But onto the memory. I was late at night and had my sister lying next to me, she is 3 years younger than me and she was half asleep, and I placed my hand on her as she was on a mattress, this makes me sick as I’m and adult detailing things that I did as a child. It hurts that it has be this way. But I put hand under her pants and for a brief 4 seconds touched her superficially. At this moment I didn’t know about sexual abuse, Touching and it wasn’t because I wanted to ‘gratify’ myself, I was just curious. She didn’t know at all cause I stopped before any penetration or any real activity. I didn’t like it but I didn’t know it was wrong.

One other time, I just turned 15 and she was 12, I went in her new room at night just to ask her wake me up the next morning, it was a school night. She was sleeping with her pants hanging off, must off been where she was moving but I pulled them down and as I leant of to wake her up my penis, this is where I hate my self, pushed against her  and it felt wrong. I stopped and it only lasted 3 seconds only and was extremely superficial. I stopped and she woke up. I apologised and that was it. I never touched or felt a kid ever again, but after that I didn’t see it as wrong, I saw it as putting her in danger and I wasn’t down there for the reason of “sexual gratification” I went down there and didn’t think in hindsight. I wasn’t even thinking about it.

six months have past and I’d just had sex ed. and I  felt terrible. I’d only just realised what I did could have scarred her, I was disgusted, even if I didn’t know, I could hurt my precious little sister. She wasn’t emotionally or physically harmed but I could have, I love my sister with everything and I’d die for her. Ever since I’ve felt horrified, guilty and emmence shame, disgust. I know what I did was wrong, it was, but as a child it wasn’t seen that way. I’d never blame my parents, not her but I blame my immature mind, hormones and the porn. I have become so much smarter since then because I had to get into my job so I could provide for my family, which I had the opportunity to do so I’m ever great ful as the happiness of them made me happy. But this memory is just so intrusive, I try to pressure my self but it keeps getting edited so it seems much worse. I see it as a terrible, terrible mistake which had a great amount of potential to harm which I didn’t see. I have had sleepless nights where I try to protect my sister to make up for it and I spoiler her because that’s what she deserves. Ever since that moment I have never harmed anyone, never fought, and I still wouldn’t cause I am greatly empathetic and feel terrible if I don’t stroke my cat? But in all seriousness I am horrified, I can’t believe I did that/almost. It hurts as it feels like a totally different person. I’d never harm a child purposely, it’s disgusting. I’m sorry if I sound like I am trying to make my actions seem Like an excuse I am simply here to put myself at rest as I’ve had nights where I was being tortured inside (metaphorically) and I felt I wanted to die but that’s so selfish and I wouldn’t harm my family anymore. My guilt is still there and I’m glad because It keeps me going in a way. I wasn’t sexually attracted to my sister and I didn’t know what sexual pleasure was I was naive and wrong. This is to raise awareness that’s young teeagers can be manipulated by pron, as I am now fully against pornography. I hope I haven’t hurt anyone or disturbed them. I just wanted some advice or know what you think, am I a bad person?