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I found out he was cheating with his ex without giving me closure

HomeForumsRelationshipsI found out he was cheating with his ex without giving me closure

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  • This topic has 3 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years ago by GL.
Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)
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  • #268843
    Gabriela
    Participant

    Hello guys ! I really need your help! I feel hurt and sad about everything that happened with me the last year. ( I want to apology for the English as I’m from Europe ) Of course there’s more to the story but this is an overview. Please read it IF you have time and help me understand and go though this process. Sending everyone warm hugs !

    The story starts like this, I met a guy 1/5 years ago he seemed perfect to me, he was my first love and the first 7 months together were great. Problem was his ex, she cheated on him before he met me and they were together on/off for 6 years. He was heartbroken and told me after 7 month that he wasn’t ready to commit to me, so he stopped with me. I was hurt but we moved on as friends as we cared for each other a lot. After 3 month we met again ( he gave me my stuff back ) the meeting was amazing, it felt like an first date and we had sex, after that we saw each other maybe 12 times more in a duration of 8 months. I opened up to him again I tried to make it work and give him a chance. He called it a ‘casual thing’ but still dated me and acted like my boyfriend. He said it’s not about the sex and that it’s not about me that I’m perfect, and he cared for me and has feelings. I was very confused and thought that maybe he will realize how special I and commit to me finally. We agreed to not see other people. last month, his ex girlfriend contacted me on insta ( see saw a pic I posted with him) When I confronted him he admitted that he was still seeing her sometimes and that we all have to stop. He went on about how he doesn’t have any feelings for me and how all of this was a mistake. How he will never give us a chance. He just said that he will stop with both of us and that he doesn’t love her too and it was all for sex … he called himself an asshole and said he was stupid and wanted a new chance with someone new( for me it felt like he changed completely in this moment and I was talking to a different person) He also told me not to talk to his ex as he called her “crazy” and said she wanted to talk bullshit to me.

    All of this happened one day before I went on holidays. He told me he wanted me to enjoy that. So I asked him if he could give me an explanation and apology  to my face when I got back. He agreed to that.

    When I came back I reached out to him, but he was reading my messages and not replying then he blocked me everywhere, on every platform. I was shocked to how little he cared to explain himself….after about 2 weeks his ex girlfriend started talking to me saying that she still is “fucking “ him but there not together because of me. That she is way smarter then me and will marry him anyway. That I was just a ‘hole’ he used because he was an sex addict. She was really rude and aggressive, sending me screenshots of their latest personal messages.  I tried to explain my side but it seemed as the was trying to mark her territory. I tried to reach out to him again but he blocked me again. After that my friend suggested sending his ex old messages and making it seem like it was last week to play her and him the way they did with me. It was my last piece of revenge I was hurt and humiliated by him, it seemed like a good idea at that time. So I did and she just went full crazy on me, harassing me stalking me ( she even suggested a threesome ) I chanced my number and insta account ( I work as a international model so it was hard for me to chance that)

    It’s been one month and I still haven’t heard an apology from him. I keep thinking about all our times together and why he would disrespect me this way. I never did anything wrong to him and everyone that knows me knows that I’m the sweetest caring person. This has been haunting me since 1/5 years now. And I don’t know how to let him go, I feel used and worthless. I wanted closure and I got nothing. Im not sure what to believe anymore, part of me things that he acted with me ( hes an actor so that wouldn’t be hard for him) other part of me wants to believe that it was real and that hes juts confused.

    Please help me understand what happend here. Im really in need of some advice. Thank you

    #268851
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Gabriela:

    Reading your account, regarding his behavior, I had the image of a kid playing  in his room with toys, building stuff, making structures out of blocks, then he gets frustrated and destroys all that  he  built and  exits his room, done.

    Reads like he was juggling  conflicting emotions for a while ex girlfriend, new girlfriend, back and  forth, lots  happening that you were and are  not  aware  of, having been  aware only of your interactions with him, not of her interactions  with him at the same time period,

    and at one point, he got frustrated and was  done with  everything.

    What remained was two  frustrated women, sort of like the toys in the room, left disorganized,  pieces thrown everywhere.

    Maybe  her part in his growing frustration  was  stronger than yours, that is, maybe  she pursued  him aggressively while you pursued him gently, I don’t  know. But regardless, he got frustrated and was done. So he is done, for now, at least.

    What do you think?

    anita

    #268863
    Michelle
    Participant

    An important – but hard – lesson to learn in life is that you won’t get closure from everyone. But you can take steps to move forward on your own. Based on what you wrote, and the immaturity I see on his part, I doubt you will get the closure you need from him. He sounds immature and manipulative, treating women as objects to satisfy his needs rather than actual human beings. These are not desirable traits in a partner so from the outside, it would appear that you are better off for being rid of it.

    Having said that, I know it’s not as easy as “letting go and moving on”. You shared a history with this person and I understand the pain of feeling used and discarded by them. I’m really sorry you experienced that. Time will need to run its course. Right now, I think the best thing you can do is block his account (and his ex/current?). Don’t invite that into your life.

    #268935
    GL
    Participant

    With every relationship a person enter, there is always the fervent hope that it will work out somehow and you want that person to be the one because he is such a great person who fits with you, who is also a great person. But in the end, you don’t really know that person until they do something that opened your eye.

    In the case of your ex, he was your first love so you probably excused some of his behaviors since you don’t have any past relationships to look back to understand his behavior and because you wanted your first relationship to work out. But that he had sex with you after three months of breaking it off with you before and with his history with his previous girlfriend, that really set off alarm/warning bells. Also, the fact that you’ve chosen to be friends just like that even after breaking it off. Those factors together makes it really hard to break it off completely with someone who didn’t really respect you because you’ve invested time and energy into that person. With so much investment, you’ll feel a huge lost if you do nothing so you try to make it work again then his girlfriend came along again so he broke it off ‘again’, key word ‘again’, but you can’t let go because he’s your first love and all the time you’ve spend together.

    You’ve wrote that you didn’t know who he was in the end, so that probably meant that he didn’t show you everything that was him so you can be sure that he wouldn’t have done so should you have stayed together. If he wanted to hide himself, he would do so. And it’s not because of you, but rather, it is something he chose to do for his own convenience.

    So, he did you a favor by disappearing from your life because if this relationship continued, it probably would have looked like the one with his girlfriend, breaking up then getting back together, again and again and again. Why? Because that’s the way he is, and also he couldn’t forget his ex yet still got together with you. You might not have met many people who treated you so discourteously like that, but you have to understand that there are people who are incredibly indecisive by nature and they do not care about you as much as they care about themselves. So they’ll go whichever way flows with them at the moment, even if that meant hooking up then breaking up then getting back together again in the spans of a few months. That’s the kind of person that they are and no matter how much you want them to be different or change, they will never be anything but themselves. That kind of person is not a good person, especially for someone like you who has yet to understand the conditions of a healthy relationship.

    And let it be a lesson to always ignore the other person, the girlfriend in this case, should they contact you for anything less than savory. The girlfriend only contacted you to show her superiority in this messy relationship which means she is capable to do much more, which can lead to danger on your side, should the occasion call for it. So next time, just block it should it happen again. Hopefully, it won’t happen again.

    Now, with every ending there will always be grief and sorrow. Since he chose to left, you should choose to respect his choice of not wanting to be in your life, though it’s better for you. So let yourself have the space to grieve a relationship that ended. Give yourself the time to adjust so that you can move forward. There is no closure from him because that must come from you. Closure means the acceptance that a relationship had ended so it’ll come to you once you have completely accepted that your relationship is done. If you need, write an angry letter to him, throw away everything related to him, delete all your photos, go out and dance your frustration away; anything that help you feel better. And once you feel better, know that this experience is something that will help you be a stronger person if you let it.

    Take care of yourself.

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