Hello Jay,

I am so glad you posted this.

First of all, you will always have this thoughts. With time, the thoughts may become lessen but you will have them. The difference will be whether you act on them when they come.

Now you may be wondering well how do I avoid them. Telling yourself you will do it, won’t help. It will be a process. If you really love this girl and you do want to be with her, then you have to take steps every day or weekly to control your actions whenever things won’t go smooth because that is a part of relationship. Here I recommend searching some suggestions to see what you can do to calm down when these thoughts arise like breathing in and out and then apply them daily or weekly whatever helps.

If you believe girl is toxic, then you need to let go. For example, my close friend only wants to meet over food. I dont want to spend money or eat out so much (unhealthy). I have told her this and recently she still recommended. Anyway, its my choice that I haven’t hang out it with her for 3 weeks and I won’t till we find other activity.

What do you want and go for it.

Passionate Self

Jay,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand the confusion that happens as trust is broken, and hearts begin to grow apart. Sometimes our issues in a relationship (her hiding, your insecurities, etc), put a strain on one another, and over time we lose trust. Feelings remain, love stays in shades, but the willingness to work on the connection erodes, mistrust that its going somewhere beautiful. The confusion here is very natural, feelings all mashing around inside, beehive stirred. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

First, and this might sting, its time to throw in the towel. Stop trying to figure her out, looking at her pictures, dreaming of different paths, walked or unwalked. She’s been clear that the blossom has faded, dear brother.

Yes, but the what if, right? And the remaining desire? Rather than what if, consider “even if”. Such as “even if we connect again down the road, we will be strangers.” With all the burns between you, it’d be tough, and you’d both have to have boatloads of acceptance for each other, all that you’ve been. Every poop, every penis, every lie, leaf to root. Some, heavier meals than others, such as cheating, deceptions, whatnot. Old karma. And, all the stubbed toes that would crop up freshly, because growth of heart is often slow, and while “trying again” seems bright at first, you’re still pretty similar to the people you were last time, with the same struggles.

So, grieve it, friend, let it go. When it arises, try to give a toast to something once beautiful, then get back to your life without her. Try not to bear a grudge, both of you perfectly imperfect, both trying to figure out your happiness. As you forgive her, you’ll make space for your next partner, with a much deeper appreciation for the need to tend our love gently, from a place of bounty. Said differently, notice how its better not to cling to a torch until it snuffs out, rather we follow our own path, with strength, building our life. Do the dishes, shine the shoes, fix what’s broken, laugh with friends and family. Then, as we come back to her, or to any goddess, we have light to share, space to grow something beautiful with her, and the strength to be open, accepting, appreciating that her heart is with you now, no matter where its been before. We all have stories.

Said differently, from a different direction, consider how our partners want to be accepted, and when we cling to their history, they feel judged by our fears, are blamed for them, as though she messed up. She said no for a year? How many times did you ask her? And, sorry to the kid in you, women often love all their romantic partners on some level, forever. So do some men. That’s part of our majesty, remarkable. But oops, you feared, poked, instead of respecting it. Consider a question you could have asked was “Are you sure you love me? Wish to be with me? Would you remind me of our playful space? My heart feels heavy.” Very normal to struggle with this, very usual… something a lot of us do the first few times. Or many, many times, before finding our tender courage. But, maybe next time, you’ll be ready. Dishes clean, shoes sparkling, heart peaceful, etc. What needs scrubbin? Shine outside helps the shine inside, and vice versa. So perk up! 🙂

Finally, don’t underestimate the amount of time you need to spend in your cave, refueling. Self nurturing keeps our energy strong, light bright. Nutrition, rest, exercise, balance. Consider starting a metta practice. Metta is the feeling of warm friendship, and helps us to relax and be open in then present moment, with a peaceful mind, less jumping into the past and future. It builds concentration quickly, so we can attend the dishes, shoes, children, partners, whomever, with focus, openness. That’s where all the fun is, and growth. 🙂 “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

Namaste, dear brother, may your breaths be rich and healing along your path.

With warmth,
Matt

Jay, a quote I read here on TinyBuddha that may resonate with you (as it did me):

“Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past.”

Take care of yourself, friend.