Hi this is my first post here so it might be a long one.

I have been been with my bf for 7 yrs now and we have a daughter together. We had recently gotten engaged last November.

To start of at the beginning our relationship had a lot of problems. Mostly due to my lieing. I lied about not having any sexual relationships when that wasn’t true. I felt so much live from him from the very beginning I was embarrassed to admit that just a few months before meeting him a had lost my virginity to someone that didn’t even care about me. I regretted as soon as I felt things between us because I really wish it had been him. I later confessed that I had lied. I confessed this after I had also let him know that when we were just starting our friendship I had hooked up with a guy at a party (just make out) he viewed me as a slut and a liar and he thinks that I.have done a lot more than I actually have. I don’t blame him.for that because I caused it by not being honest from the beginning. This all led to a lot a lot of fights and problems between us. A year into our relationship we had a daughter together and the problems only got worse. Caused by both our actions towards each other. We struggled with our sexual relationship for awhile. I didn’t feel good enough and struggled a lot to understand and get past him talking to other girls on occasions and his lack of attention towards me.. (porn was a main subject of our fights sometimes also)

We both hated living in constant battle with each other and we both put a lot of effort and time to fix our relationship.
And we did.. it took a long time but we managed to make our relationship so beautiful. He gave me more attention started being home with me all the time.. take me out and spoil me as much as he could. We had sex almost every night. Things were wonderful. Which led to him finally proposing to me..

But yet I did something stupid and selfish. Back in April a friend from high school contacted me through Facebook. Typical how have you been doing conversation.. then he asked for my number…I ignored the message at first but we continued the conversation and he let me know that at times he felt like there was no.point to life sometimes and wanted someone to talk to.. so when he asked for my number again I gave it to him. He he text me and we talked. Days later we talked again.. all this I kept from my bf from fear that given my past he wouldn’t agree with it.. Abd I made the stupid decision of keeping it from him. Me and this friend had a few more conversations.. an he began to get flirty and let me know he had always kinda liked me. It flattered me to know this because a part of me was attracted to him too but I didn’t want to pursue any type of relationship with him.. during our last conversation he asked twice if we could meet up and I let him know that no we couldn’t. That same day my bf got home and saw my messages and text him something sexual pretending to be me.. of course this so called friend responded positively towards the message.

My bf feels like I cheated on him and messed around with this guy when that is not the truth. I see that what I did was wrong and I went about things the wrong way. He is so angry with me Abd feels betrayed but at the same time we both know and agree that neither one of us wants to leave each order..what he is struggling with is the fact that I liked the attention this guy gave me while he and I were doing so good and were more in love than ever.

I’m struggling to understand why I would do this to.him and why I couldn’t appreciate all the love he already gave me.. why his attention wasn’t enough.. I regret all of this and am so ashamed and embarrassed to admit that I.liked being flattered by another guy.
I.feel like such a messed up girlfriend and like I don’t deserve such an.amazing man like him by my side.. but I don’t want to loose him.