Dear Jack:

You wrote that when in the relationship with her, you cried late at night, and in August, “my anxiety and depression started kicking in again… sometimes  I wasn’t  able to function normally as she had to pick me  up from the street and carry me to her home”-

-your significant anxiety and depression preceded your first relationship with a girl, started before you met her, kept  going  while in the relationship, and is  still ongoing.

When  did it  start, what is it  about and did you attend psychotherapy?

anita

Dear Jack:

When we are depressed, new  people in our lives, new places, exciting experiences, these make us feel better temporarily (“When The relationship was forming, it calmed down, I didn’t need any meds and I was  kinda fine”), but the  depression returns sooner or later.

Your anxiety and depression were formed before you met her, in the  context  of your relationship with a parent/s. You didn’t talk about it  yet in therapy. Do you want to share  about it here?

anita

Dear Jack:

Before you stopped feeling love for your parents, you loved them very much.  Every child does. It  is natural.  We are  born to love our parents, and so we do. But when they don’t love us back, we  feel hurt again and again, so we stop feeling that love, so to hurt less.

You had ADHD, you wrote and your parents shouted at you, raised their voices and shouted at you knowing you were diagnosed  with ADHD? I mean, didn’t the diagnosis cause  them to  be more gentle with you?

anita

Dear Jack:

You and I have a few  things in common, one of which is that  my  mother too bullied me (“She screams,  calls m e  an idiot… slapping me”), and she protected me from other bullies, getting very angry when someone  else bullied me. It was as if … she wanted to be the only bully in my life, no competition.

“I remember running away from her and screaming ‘dad!!’ and when  he came  home I just ran to him and hugged him  so  hard”- you were scared of her. Aren’t you still scared of her?

In your original post  you shared  about your ex girlfriend: “We made out.. she  was just lightly stroking  my hair.  Boom.  knock knock. Whose  there? CONFUSION!” – was the confusion about being treated gently, lovingly, like you were some times by your mother and then she turning  against  you viciously, as in how can these two behaviors go together, or what does it  mean if she  does both ?

anita

Dear  Jack:

In your  original post you wrote: “if she wants  to be with me she should not want  to wait”- true love is patient, if  she truly loves you she will  want  to wait. It  is desperation, not love, that makes us rush, makes  us want  to be  with a person right-now-and-no-matter-what.

Did you attend and can you  now attend quality psychotherapy?  Maybe if you do, and if it helps you a lot, then she will have what she  is  waiting for, a less desperate, more patient you?

I will  be away from the computer  soon for the next  fifteen hours  or so. I hope to read from you when I am back. Please  be good to yourself!

anita

Dear Jack:

I misunderstood, I thought that the last communication with her was about being friends, not boyfriend-girlfriend, but  friends. So what  happened is that a few days ago, after the physical intimacy, she wanted to have  no contact at all with  you and you agreed to it. Did I understand correctly this  time?

If I understood correctly, I don’t trust that the relationship is over at this point. Maybe it is, but too soon to tell.  The good thing you had  with her were those conversations: “We had conversations I wouldn’t ever have with by best friends”, and it reads to me that you were respectful  toward each other. Honest, open conversations plus respect is a whole  lot  of promise in an intimate relationship.

A very different kind  of a relationship than the one with your mother with whom honest, open conversations are not possible and respect on her  part toward you doesn’t exist (“She screams, calls me  an idiot and so on..”)

So you do have something positive going for you, your ability and  willingness to communicate honestly, openly and respectfully.

Like  you wrote, it got too much  for her,  understandably, to have to pick you up from the  streets when you had some mental breakdowns, if I understood correctly. If only you were  able to lower the burden on her by controlling your behavior better so to not put  more burden on her than she can handle.

anita

Dear Jack:

I don’t think you are a “spoiled brat” for not wanting to be bothered by a woman who screamed at you repeatedly and  called  you an idiot. No one feels like confiding to a yelling person, or a person who may yell at anytime. So please, don’t add unjust guilt to how badly you already feel.

You need to talk to someone (who doesn’t and  will not yell, I can’t stress this enough…) and your next therapy session is too far off. Well, I am here. Type away. I will be here  for the next couple  of hours or so, maybe  more. Type away, I will read and reply.

It is not a good idea to contact your ex  girlfriend now, because it will  only overwhelm her yet again to hear you in a bad state.

I was wondering just now if you take any medications, and  if so, what are they, also tell me  more about what has “gotten our of  control”?

anita

Dear Jack:

Maybe it is not that  you are selfish by complaining, maybe it is that you weren’t heard for so long that you are intensely frustrated. Maybe you want  someone to hear  you, to understand you… to really understand you, and then, top that understanding with empathy, with kindness. To finally not be alone with all that is  bothering you.

Do you think this is what it is?

anita