I feel like I'm losing myself.

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January 12, 2018 at 8:21 am #186297

Nao
Participant

Hello everyone,

I’m an eighteen year old female living in the Netherlands. At the age of fifteen I met a guy who completely changed my world. We became very close friends. After getting to know him and having spend a lot of time together, I fell for him, and luckily, so did he for me. We started dating for about three months and it was amazing. He was my first boyfriend, first love and first kiss. We created amazing memories and he made me feel like I was growing in life.. until he decided to cheat on me in front of my eyes at a party we were both at. The day after, he broke up with me and decided to hang out with the girl from the party. This is something I had never expected from him. It felt like I didn’t truly know who he was anymore.. however I couldn’t let go of him and tried winning him back day after day. After a week of trying he ”gave in” and came back to me. This same day he cheated on me again with another girl he had just met on Facebook. He dumped me, again, and started an official relationship with this girl a few days later. Meanwhile, he was still seeing the girl from the party as he had a relationship with the girl he met through Facebook. This kept going on for about a month until he decided to break it off with the party girl and swore his loyalty to his girlfriend. He had stopped any kind of contact with me and deleted me off everything. I missed him a lot and I did not know how to process any of this as I was only sixteen years old, but I knew it was leaving me a scar for life.

Six months had passed and with the help of my loved ones, I was doing better. I wasn’t completely over him, but I had started to eat regularly again and I had stopped avoiding those who loved me. During this happier time, my ex tried to have contact with me again through his younger brother, who stayed a friend of mine, to tell me about his regrets. He deeply apologized, told me he still loved me and convinced me that it was right to forgive him. So I did. I forgave him and we became friends again. He didn’t keep his distance at all from me anymore.. He’d text me everyday, call me up each night and tried to make plans with me every time he was free. He’d treat me with extra and special care. Of course, as I still had lingering feelings for him, I fell head over heels. After having spend a lot of time again, he confessed and told me he wanted us to work out again. He had convinced me that he was a different person and this time would give me the treatment I deserve. So we got back together and we had a wonderful ten months of love, happiness and laughter. He did honestly treat me right. He showered me with love, attention and gifts. He’d keep in mind that he had hurt my pride and trust, so he made sure I always know where he was or who he was with. He had stopped going to parties and didn’t meet up with any girl. I did not forbid him anything, but this is what he wanted. We went on a lot of dates, I saw him almost everyday and he’d give me the cutest surprises like chocolates when I wasn’t feeling well, a promise ring because he wanted us to spend the rest of our lives together and roses on days he felt like I deserved them. He cared for me, loved me and made me laugh. We still had some fights, and it took some time to regain my trust, but we made sure it would always work out. He felt like the love of my life. I wanted to support him, be there for him and watch him grow while I was by his side to make sure no one or nothing would hurt him. I was honestly proud to have fallen in love with someone who amazed me and I felt like I’d never regret it.

But I do. I regret everything. I regret accepting him in my life, I regret loving him and I regret believing in him, In the tenth month of our second relationship, he told me he had lost any kind of feeling for me. I thought he was just being silly, because we were having a few fights right before that day. I was mad at him for inviting a girl to his home who we both knew was interested in him. I thought I had the right to be upset, but he thought I was being petty. This created a fight that had lasted a couple of days where both of us were being kind of mean and dry to one another. As I was recognizing changes in his behavior, like barely speaking to me, not telling me where he was and changing all of his passwords of his social media accounts, I decided to take action, because I was not going to lose someone dear over something we could work out. I approached him, telling him how I feel, miss him and miss our happier times together. I knew bad periods are a part of relationships as well, but I knew he was worth it to work it out. In return, he told me he felt the same way and we decided to meet up the next day so we could talk face to face. As I was getting ready to meet him, he’d messaged me, out of nowhere, telling me he couldn’t meet up. When I asked why, he’d come with really silly excuses. I had noticed he was avoiding me and when I asked him why he did, he replied with ”because I don’t know what I’m feeling for you anymore, so I don’t know if I can work this out.” It felt like my world crashed. I knew we weren’t each others favorite at the moment, but never had I thought he had given up on us. Given up on me. After begging for half an hour, he invited me to his place. As I arrived, he’d open the door but not let me in. He started the conversation, telling me he wanted to break up and when I asked why? all he could say was ”I don’t know.” I asked him about all out precious memories and the promises he made me, but he couldn’t care less. He looked at me with a blank expression and did not comfort me at all when I started crying in front of his door. As he was done speaking, he closed the door on me and deleted me off everything he owned. About two days later, he had a new girlfriend and all of my hope of him returning vanished.

We are six months further now, and I’m still deeply hurting. I don’t know how to function anymore. He’s still with his girlfriend, while I’m still crying myself to sleep over him. I have so many questions, but he refuses to speak to me and he doesn’t care at all so why should I bother him? I still don’t know what I did wrong and I still don’t know why he chose to hurt me like this. I created a horrible appetite, I lack hours of sleep, I have lost a lot of friends due to me being absent, I skipped on a lot of fun plans with family members and friends, I skip a lot of classes, I missed so many birthdays and I didn’t even celebrate mine. I even started drinking, smoking and hooking up with strangers to forget. I don’t recognize myself anymore, but I’m trying so hard. Before, I’d never do any of these and I know I’m doing them for the wrong reasons. I honestly tried finding comfort in friends and family, but everyone tells me the exact same thing. ” You are young. You’ll get over it.”

I know. I know I’m young, and I know I’ll end up being over it someday, but that’s not what I need RIGHT NOW. He hurt me as an individual. I completely gave myself up to him. The person I was in that relationship is someone I never want to be again, because that person was never good enough for him even though it’s the best version I have of myself. I allowed him to completely get to know me and I did nothing but love him. I can’t bring myself to hate him, but yet… I hate myself. I can’t seem to blame anyone but myself and I can’t see it in a positive way either.

And then there are those who simply don’t care and are all like ” I told you. He’d hurt you again.” and leave me alone. I don’t want to be in this alone. Not anymore. I tried everything, but nothing is working. I’ve tried seeing other people, but no one makes me feel like he does, they don’t even make me feel loved. I’m not able to return those feelings either, it’s like they don’t exist anymore.

I don’t know what to do.

Please.

Just tell me what to do.

I don’t want to hurt anymore.

Kind regards,

Nao

January 12, 2018 at 9:02 am #186325

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Nao:

You describe a lot of emotional pain following the first and second breakup. I do hope you feel better soon.

I would like to understand better about the fights you had with him, during the first and second relationships. What were those about during the first?

In the second relationship with him, you wrote that he was loyal to you but you had fights with him, one about him inviting to his home a girl who was interested in him- invited her… for what purpose or context?

I wonder who started all or most of the fights and what things were said during those fights, by him and by you.

anita

January 12, 2018 at 9:55 am #186329

Peter
Participant

Some of the pain your experiencing isn’t coming from what happened to you but how your defining a right and wrong choice and so creating regret. The good news is this is something you can change and a good place to start the healing

“Many people imagine that there is a right and wrong choice to be made in every situation. If their decision leads to the result they desire, then they made the right decision. If it doesn’t, then they made the wrong decision. Right and wrong are determined by the outcome that follows.” – Nancy Colier

This attitude toward our choices, as well as this version of life, can cause us a great deal of pain, pain often labeled as regret. Regret more often then not is anger directed a one self.

The emotion we experience as regret is information that we wish we could undo the past and had more control – (its petty much all ego). We get stuck in the emotion of regret by staying fixated in the past – in such a case regret is a waist of time – We want a do over and then sulk when we don’t get to have one. If only, if only, why me, not fair, life sucks… I suck… down the rabbit hole we go.

Regret as information is helpful if we delve down into it. We can’t change what happened so we looked at what we might learn from the experience. (honestly – without creating victim and villain stories. If your creating victim and villain stories your still in regret and aren’t being honest). We see we have done the best we could with what we new in the time. We accept the responsibility that belongs to us and let go and even forgive what does not belong to us. We realize that based on the what we felt and new at the time we would make the same choices and did the best we could with what we had. Regret turns into acceptance. Yes we could do better and deserve better and so we take what we learned to do better.

“For every choice we make, we use the experience, information, and intentions available to us in that particular moment in which we make it. We make the decision we make in an attempt to achieve the goal we desire, with the resources we possess now. Life then unfurls in the way that it does; it becomes what it is in part as a result of our choice and in part as a result of the mystery with which life manifests, the mystery that at times seems bigger than all our choices. The truth is, there’s no reality existing somewhere else that says, “Darn, you’re not going to get to join us over here in the happy life, where you could have ended up if you had made the right choice and picked the other path.” That other, imagined happy life is and has always been just a thought. The particular reality that would have come, had we made the other choice, never was and never will be our reality.”

“There’s only one thing we can know for sure, and that is that whatever situation we’re in now, it will change. It will change in part through our choices and in part through life’s eternal changing nature. Rather than squandering your attention on old choices made, moments that are gone, turn your most powerful gift, your attention, to what’s here now. Bring the best of you, your wisdom, and your full presence to the next choice that presents itself, here, with a sincere intention to do the best you can with who you are right now. Be in this choice, this life, this now, and stop imagining that reality could be or could have been anything other than what it is.” – Nancy Colier

January 18, 2018 at 4:23 pm #187475
Nao
Participant
Dear Anita,

First of all; thank you for taking the time to read my post and to even reply to it!

To answer your questions; During our first relationship we barely fought. During those three months we fought like 2 times total. I can’t correctly remember what those two were about, though. All I know is that we solved them rather quickly as we did not know each other very well during that time and still went through the newly couple phase.

However, during the second relationship we spent 10 months together, which is enough time to be able to argue and so on. The fights that occured then were mostly about stupid stuff, like whenever I would like a picture of a guy friend on social media he’d get annoyed with me, and because I did not approve that kind of attitude, because I thought it was childish I’d get upset back. Honestly, I still had some trust issues because of the first incident, which led to me getting upset over even the slightest uncomfortable thing he’d do to me. For instance, when he’d decide on inviting that girl who was interested in him to his place. Usually, we were both at fault and we’d drag on the fights wayyy too long. It’s totally not worth it to ignore one another for a week when all was done is liking a picture, yet we weren’t able to solve these things quickly. We’d choose misery over happiness and I actually don’t understand why. Maybe because the both of us thought no one would ever leave so we wouldn’t have to be afraid of anything, which caused us to fight a lot of times without worry? Honestly, the fights weren’t worth it, this I realized a bit before he broke up with me, which is why I was the one to approach him to change ourselves for the better, but he declined. I think, at some point, they made him miserably unhappy (that’s how they made me feel aswell, but to me it was never enough to lose him. Sometimes I’d cry for days, because the vibe between us was horrible and I missed him, but he’d ignore my plead for help and vica versa.) to the point where he saw me/us as something toxic.

The only reason I found out about the girl in his house is because his brother, also a dear friend kd mine, messaged me about it. When I asked him why he’d tell me this, he told me that he thought it was pretty odd since his brother (my ex) never did this throughout our entire relationship until the last month. This is what I meant with when I said that I had noticed a change in his behaviour at the end. He even asked him wether I knew about this and his reply was “no, she doesn’t know.” which caused my friend to become even more suspicious. When I was informed about it, I inmediately asked my ex about it and he told me it was simply “nothing” and should brush it off. He told me she was in his house, because they were going to do groceries together and she had to wait in his room so he could get ready. Ofcourse, this isn’t weird or wrong, but the fact that he’d get upset at me when I’d not tell him that I’d go to the grocery store with my guy neighbour, but when I asked about it i had to “brush” it off got me worked up. (Sidenote: I was ordered to always tell him where I was and with who, preferably always a female friend, and if I didn’t he’d get really mad.)
- This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Nao.
January 18, 2018 at 4:36 pm #187485

Nao
Participant

Oh, and about the stuff that were said to eachother during the occasional fights; We’d never insult each other, like calling each other bad names, but we’d be mean in a way. We’d barely speak and reply with “Yes. No. Ok. I don’t care.”

However, when the time of us making up would arrive we’d shower eachother with apologies, explanations, wholesome messages and a lot of love.

January 19, 2018 at 7:28 am #187563

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Nao:

In your original post you wrote regarding your ex boyfriend: “I did nothing but love him.”

Well, it is not true that you did nothing but love him. When you fought with him, when you ignored him for a week and so on, you didn’t love him. Neither did he love you when he fought with you, participating in the same fights.

Fighting, or aggression is not necessary in a relationship. It is possible to have a relationship and to not fight. Aggression kills love. Sometimes it leads to a breakup, at other times, the couple stays together in a tense, miserable relationship. In any case, aggression and love do not go together. It is impossible to make up for aggression again and again by making up after breaking up, by being loving after the aggression and then returning to aggression.

I hope that you consider an aggression free relationship in your future. I hope you recover from this heartache, and do post again, if it helps.

anita

January 19, 2018 at 3:46 pm #187689

Nao
Participant

Hello again Anita,

Thank you for your reply.

I don’t mean to attack you whatsoever, but I don’t think you’re in the position to define whatever ‘love’ is. You haven’t lived through my relationship and my feelings, you’re just hearing about it. I appreciate the fact that you take the time to reply to my messages, but I think you’re being simple minded if you believe love exists only when there’s no aggression taking place. We’re human beings. It’s in our nature to be aggressive towards stuff. If what you’re saying would be correct then it’d mean my parents don’t love each other even though they’ve been married for the past 26 years just because they fight with one another now and then? Ofcourse, I did love my ex even when the fights occured and even when we treated eachother as shit at times. You can’t tell me I didn’t. No one can and no one is allowed to with all the respect. It’s quite rude to decide about somebody else’s feelings.

Maybe what I’m feeling is not for everyone to understand and should be discovered by myself apparently. Thank you anyways for wishing me well and trying to talk about it with me! I wish you all the best aswell.

Kind regards,

Nao

January 19, 2018 at 3:50 pm #187691

Nao
Participant

Dear Peter,

Thank you for the lovely reply and helpful quotes! I honestly hope that I can turn my regret into acceptance someday, because I’m fully aware now that I have that kind of control and that regret isn’t meant to tear me apart forever.

Kind regards,

Nao

January 20, 2018 at 4:04 am #187715

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Nao:

You are welcome. Anger is natural, of course. We can’t help but feel whatever it is we feel.

As humans, in most cases, we have a choice to not act certain ways when angry. When a parent feels angry at her/ his five year old child, for example, it is okay to feel that anger. But is it okay for the parent to act aggressively toward the child, to yell or hit the child?

And when a parent does yell or hit the child, do you think the parent is loving the child at the same time?

anita

January 20, 2018 at 2:55 pm #187773

Buddi
Participant

I am not sure where in Netherlands you are but if you want to know what to do here it is –

1) Google this “CLOSEST CROSS FIT TO ME” . Join and work out. Why cross fit you ask? This is one form of exercise that makes you not just physically strong but it kicks your mental ass. I say this with experience. Once you start cross fit your hunger strike will be over that I can promise you for sure.

2) Join a book club , go to parties with friends and mingle you do not have to hook up or look for a BF just talk to another human being you age and see what is new in the world.

3) BLOCK and DELETE his number/contact from all social media and do not ask about him with common friends or stalk him on FB.

4) Like you said you are too young I PROMISE YOU THIS you will love again and you will have your heart broke several more times but U WILL Survive. Its called Life.

So Fake a Smile if you have to but go out and face it.
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