Dear Azalia:

“I hate being on shaky ground like this, it makes me feel like I’m not gonna be able to ever be happy with love”. When fear is in the way of love, it is in the way. Fear is in the way of calm, peace, a solid ground underneath.

Ongoing fear, aka anxiety will continue to rain on your parade of life, as it did and does for me and for everyone suffering from anxiety. The hemp oil you have been taking for anxiety, it may help some. But there is more to healing from anxiety. Healing from anxiety is slow, takes persistence through distress, over a long, long period of time. It takes managing anxiety by let’s say, making a daily routine for yourself that works for you (including mindful exercise and other healthy or not-harmful activities), it takes changing incorrect beliefs about reality, it takes a safe relationship with at least one person.

It makes sense that you are preparing yourself to him leaving you by finding fault with him and with the relationship, and figuring that the ending of the relationship wouldn’t be such a bad thing after all.

anita

Dear Azalia:

You are welcome and thank you for your good wishes for me, you have been so gracious throughout your thread.

I re-read all your posts trying to learn something new.  At one point your boyfriend noticed that a man liked your pictures online, was “suspicious that he liked me”, then asked you “to stop talking to him” and you immediately complied. At another point he asked you if you were hiding something. You told him about the online business a year before. Later he asked you “if there was something else”.

You wrote: “I do feel .. as if I was a terrible sinner… I always had this idea of my life partner knowing all about me and vice versa; the bad and good.”

Sometimes you want to end this relationship so that he “finds someone as perfect as him. Then you wrote: “some things I don’t like about him relationship wise… the things my boyfriend has disappointed me… when I am with him… the illusion of (his) perfection breaks “-

So far I focused on you, on the origin of your anxiety. Now I am wondering if there is something to look at in your boyfriend’s part of the relationship with you. To look into that part, I ask: how did he disappoint you; what are the things you don’t like about him?

And did he share with you anything that he did wrong in his life?

My goal in asking is to expose any reality that needs to be exposed so to calm your anxiety. If we deny reality, hide it from ourselves, it doesn’t remain hidden, and we remain anxious. Therefore, better see all that there is to see.

anita