Hi everyone.

I’m new here and I really need some advice. I’m feeling very lost. I’m sorry if my story drags on for too long.

I’m 22 years old, female, and just broke up with my boyfriend of 7 months last night. I’ve always been a bit of a loner and this was the longest relationship I’ve ever had. Everything before that ended either very quickly or without pain for me or the ex. Dating just never really appealed to me because I never grew emotionally attached. This is my first “real” relationship.

The man I broke up with just now (we’ll call him X) is a good person. He’s kind, affectionate, tolerant, and truly cared about me. But for at least 4 months now I’ve known X wasn’t right for me. We are very similar in that we are loners and very sensitive to rejection, but we have incredibly different lifestyles. I’m very clean and organized, and I lead an active lifestyle. I was obese and recently lost half my body weight and I’m determined to keep it off with new healthy habits. I also absolutely need to be organized and clean in order to feel stress-free and clear minded. I’m very independent. I’m also going back to school and finishing a program there so that I can move forward with life and support myself and my possible partner.

X on the other hand is nearly 26 and is very much the opposite of me. He still lives at home with no apparent plans to leave, has no real ambition, and he has a very unhealthy lifestyle. He eats the worst types of food, the things I used to eat in the past. He doesn’t shower much and never seems to brush his teeth. He is extremely messy and doesn’t take care of his possessions. I realize those things shouldn’t be deal-breakers in of themselves, but I can’t get past them emotionally. They depress me and drag me down. I also can’t handle how fast the relationship progressed. I’ve been unsure about him since the beginning and wanted to take it slow, I even expressed that to him. But it progressed to meeting his parents, dropping “I love you”s, and hinting at serious plans of a future together after just 3-4 months.

Back in February I actually attempted to break up with him. I could tell even then that it just didn’t feel right to me. We were apart for about a week until he convinced me to give it another try. Since then I’ve grown more and more frustrated with our differences, but more attached to him emotionally as a friend. I care about him deeply. X has been a best friend to me these past few months. It’s rare I can feel so comfortable around someone, and I loved being there for him and seeing him smile. But I just don’t feel romantically or physically attracted to him. It kills me every time I see him because I want to make him happy and spend time with him, but I can’t reciprocate when he tells me he loves me, and I pull away every time things get intimate. I simply can’t force myself to be physical with someone I’m not attracted to at all.

He has expressed concern more than once since February that I seem to be pulling away, and I explained that I’m not really ready for a relationship (which is probably completely true). I asked for a break once, saying that maybe being apart would help me come to a decision, but it didn’t work. He kept contact with me the whole time and it left me very confused, as I love having him in my life as a friend.

Last night I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I felt like I was lying to him and myself. I permanently broke it off with him and now I’m worried sick. He has been very dependent on me emotionally and has told me how attached he is. In truth, this has been extremely suffocating for me. I can’t go more than a couple hours without having to communicate with him, otherwise he gets upset (I’m not a big texter and I need some space). I don’t want to call him clingy but that’s honestly how it felt. I’m still discovering my own needs and I can’t take care of someone else’s insecurities. I need to focus on finding my own strength. No one should stay with someone solely out of pity or guilt. I’ve thought about this endlessly for weeks, second-guessing myself and trying to convince myself that my feelings for him will grow. I know now that I will not be happy in the long run. It’s cruel to string him along when I can’t commit and love him the way he has for me. I can’t force myself to be attracted to him, and our lifestyles are incompatible.

I’m overwhelmed with regret and worry right now. I feel extremely selfish for allowing this to draw out so long. I’ve given him time to invest in me emotionally and now I feel like I’ve broken his heart. I’m also not sure if I’m cruel for feeling unattracted to him and his lifestyle. Maybe I’m simply not ready for a relationship and the compromises it requires, but I wasn’t happy. I know I made the right choice but I’m mourning the loss of a good friend and I’m worried how he’ll handle it. Neither of us have huge social circles to give us support. He also expressed that it’s helped him so much to have me in his life. I want to block it out and move on but I’m so worried and upset. I can’t eat or find the motivation to do much of anything. This is my first painful break-up and I simply don’t know how to get through it. I wish I could ease the pain for him, but I know that’s not possible at this point. How can one find inner peace and the strength to move on in a situation like this? I’m very sensitive, especially when it comes to hurting others, so this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I’m also plagued by the thought that I’ll never find someone so tolerant and affectionate as X.