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I ended an affair

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  • December 5, 2017 at 8:52 am #180635
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lana:

    He is a diplomat (47); you are (or were) a student  (21). He has money; you have way less money.

    This is a significant gap in power. This significant gap in power is something he is aware of as well as you and  it is a very significant element in this relationship and breakup.

    Your motivation has been a mix of wanting money/ the ease of traveling, wanting the protection of his power, feeling esteem for someone powerful being interested in you, powerless. Wanting togetherness, love, intimacy.

    His motivation likely includes enjoying your youth (something of value to many older men; something you probably don’t recognize as valuable about yourself).

    His motivation with you is not marriage, he told you himself.

    I think that what you need first is clarity, clarity of thinking, understanding the reality of your motivations, his motivations and how did it work for your  benefit or not.

    Your mental well-being is your most important resource. How has this relationship affected your mental well-being… not well, from reading your post.

    Your responsibility for yourself is to promote your well-being. Get clarity of your  motivations, of the effectiveness of this relationship: what did it accomplish for your self interest/ benefit and what did it accomplish against your self interest?

    Answer if you’d like and/ or write more about your thoughts and feelings…?

    anita

    December 5, 2017 at 4:16 pm #180677
    Lana
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    thank you for your response.

    He fulfilled my interest by giving me big amount of money for me to travel to Europe. But I don’t know how I’m being honest to my parents because suddenly I’m ‘rich’. Also he gave me easy access to involve in a project in embassy.

    I ended the affair for my own good sake. But lately I’m rethinking again with my decision, especially after knowing he has a trip to Asia, I just want to see him so bad. But he refused, he said he couldn’t make time and it’s not about not wanting. He said he liked to see me when I come to Europe. I feel devastated with his answer. To my thought, he doesn’t want to see me. I have tendency to think beyond his reasons and that’s what he wanted me to do/change: trust him a little bit. Because for him, I always make negative remarks towards him. And he and I know I won’t make it to Europe as soon as possible. I beg to him to let me know if he come again to Asia and he said yeah ok.

    Since it’s over, I always have this panic attack when i wake up in the morning. And in the middle of the night, I will be waking upp with racing heart beats too. Last week when I knew he’d be in Asia, it’s worse. I could have cry spell unexpectedly.I had to go to bathroom to cry when I was in family gathering, I cried when driving, and I barely knew how to force myself to smile.

    We’re not in contact since last Friday. So it’s the longest period we don’t communicate for the past year. I’m scared to lose him completely. I realize that I have a certain feeling towards him and it’s not only about money or power I could acquire. I love him to the point obsessing and controlling.

    December 6, 2017 at 6:10 am #180773
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear  Lana:

    Is the  “big amount  of money” you are referring to, is that the 1200 euros you mentioned in your original post?

    On one  hand you got to travel to Europe and had access to a project  at  the embassy, these are the pluses, the benefits, to you. On the other hand, the minuses, the costs to you were: feeling uncomfortable regarding your family not knowing where or how you got the money to travel,  panic attacks, crying spells while driving (dangerous) and otherwise, obsessing.

    Has it been worth it so far?

    Or are you so obsessed, so distressed at this time that you can’t think straight enough to figure pluses vs minuses?

    If you can think straight enough: if you could make your wishes come true, what  would happen next, in  regard to this relationship, in the near future and the farther away future?

    anita

    December 10, 2017 at 5:03 am #181359
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear Lisa,

    you say in your letter you are passive aggresive as I am, but that is just a label like any other label to dehumanize you, just like any other label people try to tag you with like Racist or homophobe it makes it easy  on their tiny little brains. you are smart enough and young enough to understand that I went through  many of the same things you are going through, but realized later in my life that people who label you never really see the whole picture, I had a Psychiatryst who passed about 6 months ago, from what I saw he lived a really good life and he deserved it, but never once did he label me, that is a good man, I know this may be hard to face but if he is using you and it seems like he is but he offers you something ask him if there are any strings attached ie: do you have to be at his beck and call and if there are well that’s your decision,That’s the way it has to be

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