Hello all,

I have been here in the past, and for similar reasons, though it hasn’t been as bad as lately. It is possible this may belong in emotional mastery, however, it also deals with my own strive, or lack thereof, for personal purpose. As usual, I feel it necessary to preface this with a bit of personal background and insight into my own discoveries of my own mind and psyche. While I do believe this problem to be fixable, it is nearly impossible for me to do this alone because of the way my thought processes work. You will also see me make several excuses like that, as if it was an external problem that is afflicting me and not my own damn self to blame which I like to do quite a bit anyways. With that out of the way, here we go.

I’m selfish. Have been my whole life and while that is relatively normal for the majority of humanity, I believe mine is an unfortunate case of possible psychosis or borderline personality disorder. You see, I have, my whole life, been thinking what I have done with my life was for the purpose of making others happy. Until recently, I realized these efforts were a form of narcissism that aimed to gain the approval of others through their happiness. I wanted to make people happy so that they would see me positively and therefore make me feel good about myself.

Due to some childhood trauma (excuse) I never felt fully worthy of love and admiration. I still do not, otherwise this post wouldn’t be a thing. So here comes the big deal. A lot of people can overcome this feeling of self-worth through meditation, mental exercise and pursuing a purpose or interest of their’s. It’s common knowledge that accepting yourself and your faults leads to a healthier psyche and life in general and sets you up for future possibilities. I have practiced these techniques, but there is something holding me back. A part of me does not want to get better. After many hours of meditation, I can describe the workings of my mind.

This is where I may have some kind of mental disorder (excuse). We are known to have different levels of consciousness and various tools and processes to help us make decisions and understand ourselves along with the world we inhabit. The three levels as I will describe are Conscious, Subconscious and Unconscious. The conscious deals with my conscious thoughts and actions, such as this conscious effort to make a post, playing a different music station, the initiative to make something (not the actual act) and other conscious activities. My conscious thoughts are the only thing keeping me floating right now.

My subconscious mind is where things get a little unpleasant. This one takes roots in my unconscious, but works for a different reason than my unconscious. This is the voice in the back of my head that tells me what’s right and wrong. It’s the ego, the issue child, the masked villain. He tells me I can’t do things and that life is just fine the way it is, when I know it isn’t. He doesn’t want me to change because he knows if I do, it will fundamentally change him and therefore completely anger the unconscious, of which he is just the hand. He is the one that ruminates about the things I screwed up on and tricks my conscious mind into believing I’m the scum of the earth. “Stop trying, you won’t make it”. And the issue with that is, I have very few hobbies and friends. I’m basically in still water because whenever I make a conscious effort to stir up the waters of my life, the subconscious comes out and says, “You suck at that, don’t even try” and I get discouraged and ultimately stop. Needless to say, I’m very quickly losing hobbies and friends. With much meditation, I can quiet this voice, but because of the unconscious part of my mind, it continues to summon more subconscious hands like some kind of anime boss.

Finally, the unconscious is the root cause of all of my suffering. The lizard-brain part of my skull that determines the root reason of why I do anything. It is the easiest to explain, but the hardest to pinpoint in the back of my mind. This part of my psyche is ultimately afraid of being judged, much like a child who is bullied (which I was). It desperately seeks validation from others and immediately throws away any evidence that other present of my faults. My unconscious mind thinks I’m not wrong ever and am impervious to rules and regulations and is pertified of being judged in any way whatsoever. It’s like a little spoiled brat (which I was) until shit hit the fan with my parents, which is definitely the reason why this mindset is prematurely cemented into my unconscious. I was supposed to develop a little bit more(excuse).

So ultimately, finding new people is terrifying, almost nothing interests me anymore and I spend my free time ruminating about how awesome I want my life to be but then putting myself down saying I will never have it. I am also probably the most selfish person you will ever meet and I have no excuse for it. Look how many times I used the word “I” in my post. There isn’t a single sentence without it (save for this one). So, friends, how bad off am I? Do I need bleach? Extermination? Or is this savable?

Please be honest and please have a good day. Thank you for reading.