Hey guys! It’s been a while since my last post here. Recently I got diagnosed of Borderline Personality Disorder. But that’s not quite the point in here. I’m used to get hurt while dating with guys, because part of the BPD is FEELING TOO MUCH, it can be good or bad. This “intensity” always affects the way they see me, the end up getting scared and me, in the same point, feeling guilty of showing myself with them, ashamed of my disorder and considering to be a curse rather than a blessing.

Almost a year ago I broke up with my ex, my self-esteem was in the pits of hell in that point, I didn’t feel worthy of him and I thought I was just making him loose time, for sure, he was going to be able to find someone worthy of him. (At this point I hadn’t been diagnosed yet) He was really hurt because he really loved me, for 6 years. Since the first moment he saw me he knew he wanted to be with me, I know this sounds like super cheesy but that’s the truth. Trough this year, I broke up with him in Dec 30,2019, I’ve been feeling guilty for letting him go, knowing he was my best friend and I had the most magic moments with him, IT WAS MY FAULT for breaking up with him.

Due to this break up and the COVID-19 situation, I was lonely as you can imagine, started dating a guy who just played with my mind and feelings for 6 months. I was looking for external validation in every guy that showed the tinniest interest in me. I got bulimia and then I lost my mind to a breaking point where I was hospitalized in a psychiatric institution for 3 weeks. Definitely If I hadn’t asked for help, I’d be death be now. I hated my self so much, my mind and my body. I was impossible to be alone with me in my own mind. I was diagnosed during my stay in the hospital, and the a lot of thing about me started making sense.

I started to heal, all by myself. But I couldn’t take the guilt of leaving my ex off my head; I missed him like hell, he was my best friend, the person who knew me the best…So I wrote him, all my adventures, bulimia, BPD, loneliness and how much I missed him. He is also a doctor, in November, in our country there is a super important exam to be accepted as an internal medicine resident. So, he was really open to speak to me, AFTER the exam. He told me his mind could only focus in on thing, and that thing was the exam. I didn’t take it personal, since I would had take the same decision if I were in his place. During this time, I sent him plants for his apartment (with a super cheesy note, about new beginnings), sent him breakfast in the Doctor’s Day and a candy bouquet for his birthday. I wanted him to know that I still loved him and I really cared about his decision and his priorities.  He was really nice to me every time I sent him something, very grateful.

The thing is….

It’s almost the exam’s day, and an old friend started to talk to me about how funny were the things I shared on Facebook. We started talking and realized how similar our tastes in music, movies, hobbies. He is also really funny and I found him really attractive. So we met one day for an asian meal and drinks and had a reeaalllly great time together, since that time we dated like 2 more times. He was (is) super cute with me, makes me feel secure, and it seems he is really interested in me.

Then the day of talking with my ex came yesterday, and I’m still shooked about the way we could talk things up, it seemed we haven’t been apart almost A YEAR, our connection was there. He said he was obviously heartbroken when I left him, and begged me to never leave him again, that I am the love of his life and everything it’s better when we’re together (which I agree). We want to be together again at some point although we first need to catch up with a lot of thing we missed this horrible year. The thing is, now I don’t know how to be kind with the guy I had several dates with. I’ve been on the other side a loooooooot of times and I DON´T want to behave like a bad person, make him feel bad, ghost him or hurt him in any way. I don’t want to be one of the guys that have hurted me before. I’m really trying to achieve self-development and be better, not worse.

I’d really like to read your opinions, and how could be the best way to talk with the guy about this. Always with kindness and showing him respect.

Thanks for reading guys.

Stay home! Love.